August 31, 2006

Dear Boyfriend,

When I pointed out a cute pair of jeans and you said "I thought those were for tall, skinny girls?" exactly what does that make me?

Love,
Sarah Mac

Dear Guy In A Camo Painted Truck In The Kroger Parking Lot,

How artistic! Loved the army men and fake leaves hot glued to the hood! Just fabulous!

Love,
Chin

Dear Kevin Costner's "Waterworld,"

I don't know which is worse...the fact that tv networks still show you or the fact that I actually watched you for 2 minutes.

Love,
Steph

Dear 6:20am Flight Saturday Morning,

Thanks for ruining my Friday night plans.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Readers,

We need your help! Marie has no internet and I have no inspiration.

Please submit your ideas to unsortedmail@gmail.com!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Pink Polo Shirt,

A climber’s acrophobia is to Mount Everest, as my suppressed homophobia is to you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Mom,

No, you do not need to "borrow and break in" my new expensive jacket. Thanks for offering though.

Love,
Katie

August 29, 2006

Dear Ashton Kutcher's New Wedding Crashers Reality TV Show Based Off Of Punk'd,

My heart goes out to those bride's wedding receptions that you're going to ruin.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend's Cat That I'm Allergic To,

I may be allergic to you, but that plays no part in my kicking you when you try that "aren't I so cute because I'm rubbing my head on your leg" maneuver.

Love,
Ryan

Dear MTV's "Made" Participants,

What's with all the crying? You brought this upon yourself...If you
didn't want to do it, why the hell did you sign up?

Love,
Lauren

Dear Credit Card That I Accidentally Left At My Sister's Place In L.A. A Week Ago,

Please hurry home! I have my eye on an eBay item.

Love,
Katie

Dear Workplace I Have Returned To After A 4 Day Weekend,

While our time apart was refreshing and invigorating for me, I can see that you’ve decided to hold a grudge.

Love,
Kelly B.

Dear Tom Cruise,

My couch cushions need fluffing, think you can help?????

Love
Katie P.

Dear Gay Male Barista Who Calls Me Sweetheart,

I play for the other team, but thanks for the term of endearment.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Plants Slowly Dying In My Cubicle,

Yeah, me too.

Love,
Casey

Dear Mr. Karr,

WHY YOU LIE?!

Love,
Katie P.

August 28, 2006

August 27, 2006

Dear Steve Carell,

You're still a winner in my book.

Love,
Katie

Dear Hairstylest,

You know what was funnier than the fact that your best suggestion of how to make my haircolor look realistic was to dye my eyebrows the same color? When I let you do it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Exxon's Touch-Free Car Wash,

The only thing that sets you apart from a 3 minute rain shower is the $7 I just wasted.


Love,
Marie

Dear Kid On The Plane Next To Me,

NO, we're not there yet. NO, we're not there yet. NO, we're not there yet.

Love,
Marie

Dear Childhood Memories, Movie Quotes, What If's, And Deep Thoughts,

Oh! You're back...right as I turn out the lights. Insomnia here I come.

Love,
Katie

Dear Side Effects To The Medicine I'm Taking,

Ya, this feel worse before you feel better thing isn't really working for me.

Love,
Katie

August 25, 2006

Dear Apartment Leasing Office That Compared Mine & My Roommate's Lease To A Marriage,

Well, I'm filing for divorce.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thank you for allowing Erin and I cast our roommate woes onto the
internet with no fear of repercussion.

Love,
Ryan

Dear "Winner Of The Month" Plaque Hanging On My Office Wall,

You were the best $30 I ever spent. And you’re right: I am a winner.

Love,
Greg

Dear MySpace Technical Group,

I'm jealous of your job security.

Love,
Casey

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I spent my 1st 45 minutes at work reading you...and then I took a break.

Love,
Stephen

August 24, 2006

Dear Sally Fields,

Sure its the AARP Magazine, but atleast you made the cover!

Love,
Marie

Dear Head On,

Where do I apply it again?

Love,
Nina

Dear Nibblz On VH1's "Flavor Of Love",

When you said you wanted to be "thexy" for Flav…yeah, that was thuper thexy.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Astronomers Who Just Decided That Pluto Isn't A Planet,

My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine WHAT?

Love,
Lauren

Dear All Tax Accountants,

Curious as to what do you do from April to December? Solitaire? Snood? MASH?

Love,
Mike B

Dear Coffee Grinder That Broke This Morning When I Woke Up,

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Lack Of Ideas For Letters,

You are either telling me that I have lost all sense of humor or that my life is just THAT boring. Neither of which is a good sign.

Love,
Sarah

August 23, 2006

Dear Hairline,

Hey, where are YOU going?

Love,
Greg

Dear MTV's 'Next',

NEXT!

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy At A Bar Who Informed Me That "Only One In 500 People In The World Could Do His Job",

Well I did a little research and it turns out that, also, out of that 500, 1 person would be a parking attendant, 3 would be dishwashers, 6 would be barbers and you know what? 4 won't even make it past infancy. So... don't use that line to pick up women again. Ever.

Love,
Marie

Dear Paris Who, Like, Cries While Listening To Her Own CD,

Did you, like, cry when making your own record label too, or did you just cry when all the other record labels turned you down?

Love,
Steph

Dear "Barbara" From Coldplay's New Music Video,

Are you kidding me?

Love,
Katie

Dear Snakes On A Plane,

I can't believe nobody has submitted a letter about you yet.

Love,
Marie

August 22, 2006

Dear "The Ten-Day MBA,"

Where the hell were you two years ago?!

Love,
Greg

Dear Roommate With A New Puppy And Mommy Complex,

No, that is NOT "cute". That is urine. On my couch.

Love,
Erin

Dear Grey's Anatomy Season 2 DVD,

Come out now. I can’t wait three weeks to choose you over sleep.

Love,
Lora

Dear Generic Trash Bags,

You’re a great way to save money. That is, unless I want to use you to hold trash. In that case, I’m pretty screwed.

Love,
Greg

Dear Immune System,

I hope I didn’t offend you with that last letter but I’m really starting to miss you. Please come back. We can’t let it end this way.

Love,
Brando

Dear Every News Channel In Existence,

So John Marc Karr had pate and fried king prawns on his flight to the U.S.? Ya, he's definitely guilty.

Love,
Katie

Dear First Day Of Class Ice Breakers,

Behind The Knee Orange Pass? Cool, I mean, what would any other 22 year old in L.A. rather be doing?

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Business Man In Front Of Me At The Greek Restaurant Who Ordered A "Guy-ro" For Lunch,

Year-row, friend. Gyro.

Love,
Katie

August 21, 2006

Dear People Who Post Comments On Johnny Cash's MySpace Page,

Um, I hate to break it to you, but...

Love,
Katie

Dear Person On The Other End Of Cell Phone Of The Guy Standing Beside Me In The Elevator,

He said he’s in the ELEVATOR!!

Love, Greg

Dear "Fans Of Unsorted Mail,"

Why are you all so cute?! You’re making us ugly fans look bad!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Well-Endowed Lady At 24 Hour Fitness Without A Bra On,

Oh my grossness...are you there to workout or work it?

Love,
Angela

Dear Brooke Hogan,

The only person I hate more than you is me for knowing who you are.

Love,
Greg

August 18, 2006

Dear L.A. Traffic & Smog,

I had NO idea you could be THAT bad.

Love,
Katie

Dear Kate Hudson,

Call me!

Love,
Tim

August 17, 2006

Dear Travis Barker,

Are you sure you don't want to stay together for the kids?

Love,
Marie

Dear Alarm Clock,

You don't get a lot of positive reinforcement, do you?

Love,
Marie

August 16, 2006

Dear Apartment Complex At School That's Still Under Construction Leaving Me No Place To Live On Monday When School Starts,

Oh...so you're putting me up in a hotel with a maid service, free breakfast, free parking, a workout facility, pool, and a daily stipend for lunches and dinners? Ok...

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Project Runway,

What a terrible ending! I might actually write on a message board...for the first time ever.

Love,
Katie

Dear "Curb Your Wheels" Sign,

Why don't you include a picture? I didn't learn that one in Driver's Ed.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Flight Attendant On Half Full Flight Who Informed Us We Could Sit Where Ever We Wanted To,

Hey, just like a Clippers game!

Love,
Marie

Dear Glove Box,

Has anyone ever actually used you for gloves?

Love,
Marie

Dear Everyone,

Um... ouch? And I thought it was 'don't cry over spilled perfume'. What do you have to say to that?

Love,
Marie

Dear Photoshop,

Who knew that pasting friends' heads on different bodies and posting them as MySpace comments would be so much fun!

Love,
Katie

Dear AC/DC's "Highway To Hell,"

Your being stuck in my head last night was NOT conducive to falling asleep.

Love,
Steph

Dear Houseguest Who I've Allowed To Stay In My Extra Room For The Past 8 Months Without Charging Rent And Only Asking For Half Of The Utilities,

Contrary to what you might think, the trash cans don't have the
magical ability to teleport to the curb and back every Tuesday and
Saturday. You should investigate this phenomenon of them getting out
there more in depth.

Love,
Ryan

August 15, 2006

Dear Immune System,

I hope your two week vacation is going as poorly for you as it is for me.

Love,
Brando

Dear Marie,

So sorry, but I think it's "Don't cry over spilled milk."

Love,
Everyone

Dear Marie,

The correct phrase is “Don’t cry over spilled milk.” Better luck next time.

Sincerely,
Brando

Dear Marie,

I think you mean "Don't Cry Over SPILLED Milk."

Love,
Wedemeyer

Dear Laguna Beach & Project Runway,

On at the same time? Ugh, one Tivo to go please.

Love,
Katie

Dear Office Receptionist,

I didn't know Britney and K-Fed were clients of ours. Thanks for the research.

Love,
Mike B

Dear Orange,

On most things, you’re just fine, but on pants, I’m afraid you don’t belong. (Please inform Target.)

Love,
Greg

August 14, 2006

Dear Person Who Coined The Phrase "Don't Cry Over Spoiled Milk",

You obviously never accidentally drank the stuff.

Love,
Marie

Dear Johnny Depp,

You've been engaged like, what, four times? My love don't cost a thing.

Love,
Nina

Dear Job, Workplace, And Co-Workers,

As far as Unsorted Mail ideas go, without you, I got nothing.

Love,
Katie

Dear God-Knows-How-Old Frozen Burrito I Had For Lunch,

That noise my stomach is making? Yah, it does not translate into "Thank You."

Love,
Danielle

August 13, 2006

Dear Rainbow Chip Ice Cream,

We've been spending way too much time together . . I think we need to take a break.

Love,
Angela

Dear Computer,

You're a BAD BOY! Don't you ever freeze up on me like that again!

Love,
Katie

August 12, 2006

Dear Former Roommate Who Is Applying to Howard School of Divinity and Wants Me to Write a Character Reference,

Can I list all the times at 3 A.M. you would listen to cassettes of sermons and fall prostrate on the floor, rolling around and yelling in tongues? That was pretty divine.

Love,
Nina

Dear Boss Who Invited Her Friend's Son To "Come Visit" And Then Said "I'll Leave You Two Alone So You Can Chat" And Then Left The Room,

Subtle. reaaallly subtle.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Thank You For Smoking,

All I can think about when I watch you is how much I want a smoke.

Love,
Marie

August 11, 2006

August 10, 2006

Dear Matthew McConaughey At The Astros Game,

I may have stared at the back of your head during innings 3 through 7, but that was hands down the best game of my life.

Love,
Steph

Dear Driving Range,

I have officially been humbled...and embarassed.

Love,
Katie

Dear Jog After The Dinner I Described In The Previous Letter,

Better add Tums to the shopping list.

Love,
Marie

Dear Baked Bean & Swiss Cheese Omelet For Dinner,

You mean "time to go to the grocery store" in any language.

Love,
Marie

Dear Mom & Dad,

So I let you sucker me into taking a few ability tests and now you are suggesting that I join the Reading Center for the Vision Impaired. How could I have been so blind?!

Love,
Jean

Dear Paris Hilton,

After you stampeded our magazines and took charge of TV, its no wonder the airwaves just surrendered.

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie,

We're the only ones that ever comment.

Love,
Marie

Dear Hand Dryers In Public Restrooms,

Whats your point?

Love,
Marie

Dear Brown Out,

It took me a while to convince others that you exist and that you're indeed NOT a politically correct way of saying Black-Out. You're welcome.

Love,
Nina

Dear Money,

Where did you go?

Love,
Angela

Dear Ford Truck Driver Who Managed To Hit Both The Car Behind And In Front Of Him While Parallel Parking,

My first thought was: you're crazy... but when you started to complain that the car in front of you was over the line, I realized that you were psycho.

Love,
Jennifer

August 09, 2006

Dear Levi's Skinny Straight Jeans,

You're not really back, are you?

Love,
Katie

Dear Jeff Bagwell,

I totally made eye contact with you at Cafe Express...that is all.

Love,
Steph

Dear Co-Worker Who Doesn't Work Here Anymore,

Oh wait...that doesn't make sense....Dammit!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Facebook,

I'll never be too busy for you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Eating Cereal While Watching A Urine Gone Commercial,

Bad combo....BAD combo.

Love,
Katie

August 08, 2006

Dear Going Back To Work After A Four Day Weekend,

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Love,
Marie

Dear CVS Coupons That Come With My Reciept At Checkout,

Hmmm, save "$4 on any Diet/Nutrition purchase over $20" and "$5 off any L'oreal Acne Response Skin Care"... I hope you print out randomly.

Love,
Marie

Dear Airport Metal Detector,

It's an underwire. What kind of perv are you?

Love,
Annie

Dear Productivity,

I see you're taking the day off work, too.

Love,
Marie

Dear Fact That I'm Not Getting Married Anytime Soon,

This just in: Walking through Williams-Sonoma doesn't make you any easier.

Love,
Marie

August 07, 2006

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I’m SO sorry. I just realized that it’s almost 4 o’clock, and I haven’t visited you once today. Please forgive me. I promise to pay more attention to you tomorrow.

Love,
Lauren

Dear 8 Year Old Doing Back Handsprings Next To Me On The Stretching Mat At The Gym,

Okeydokey...so now I feel out of shape AND old/uncoodinated/untalented. Rock on.

Love,
Katie

Dear Life,

Today I was paid to play with colored pencils... I so totally win.

Love,
Dylan

Dear Lead Singer Of AFI,

The “stylist” at GreatClips short-changed you, dude. Demand a refund. Or at least half of one.

Love,
Greg

Dear Task Of Filing,

It's not you. It's me.

Love,
Casey

Dear "Juice King",

Now that I own you, I am able to conveniently peel, slice, and press 17 oranges in order to make half a glass of orange juice.

Love,
Scott

Dear Coworker I Share A Thin Wall With,

Did you really just say "All that and a box of Cheerios?"

Love,
Danielle

August 06, 2006

Dear Everyone Who's Afraid I Won't Be Updating This As Much Because I Have Moved To The Middle Of Nowhere,

You are SO wrong...and I mean that in a good way!

Love,
Katie

Dear Eastern Time Zone,

Should I watch "The Office" tonight, or is it just a rerun?

Love,
Tommy

August 04, 2006

Dear Couch In My Office,

Did you know I had a big lunch?

Love,
John

Dear Everyone At The Office Who Just Found Out About My Blog On My Last Day At Work,

You had no idea I was this funny, did you? BOOYA!

Love,
Katie

August 03, 2006

Dear Laptop Battery,

So hot right now.

Love,
Marie

Dear Hollandaise Sauce,

What do you mean?

Love,
Nina

Dear Alexander Graham Bell,

Nothing personal but I hate voicemail.

Love,
Marie

August 02, 2006

Dear Cute Starbuck’s Girl Who Said I Look Like A “Jason” As Opposed To A “Scott” (My Real Name),

Hmmm...ok.

Love,
Jason

Dear 80 Year Old Guy In My Ballroom Dance Class,

We all know it's a toupee, give it up.

Love,
Lora

Dear Compaq Armada 7400 Office Laptop Born in 1998,

Is the Intel really inside?

Love,
Nina

Dear Friend,

When I told you that there was a guy walking around the office looking for you, and your first question was, "Does he look like a cop???" Yeah…I'm concerned.

Love,
Sarah