Dear Readers,

Just a heads up...I'll be on hiatus until Wednesday as I move cross-country! To where you ask? Oh, just the middle of nowhere. I'm told that I won't have cell phone service or television at my future home...but I will have wireless internet! Thank the good Lord, and Grey's Anatomy on iTunes, and espn.com for live stats, and perezhilton.com...

Keep the letters coming, and I'll post em as soon as I can! And this is not to say that Marie won't be around to keep you entertained. :)

Love,
Katie

Dear Deodorant Stick I Keep Using Even Though It's Been Empty For Four Days,

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Erin & Sarah Mac,

Thank you for introducting me to a whole new way to waste time when I should be working and/or sleeping. I am sure my boss would like to send each of you a personal thank you note.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Guy Wearing A Camouflage-Colored Fanny Pack In The Deli,

We're not in the woods, and I am not a deer, so yes, I am afriad I can see that.

Love,
Greg

Dear 20-Year-Old Brother Who Asked Me In The Car Today What Day Of The Week Thanksgiving Is On This Year,

I am no longer claiming relation to you.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Boss Who Suggested That My Mini-Makeover Start With My Boobs,

Can you say sexual harassment lawsuit?

Love,
Becky

Dear Super Glue That I Couldn't Get The Cap Off Of,

Ok, ok...I was wrong to say that you are just medicore glue. You really are super. Now please, just let go of the cap!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Mouth,

Please consult with brain before opening.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Phrase, “Meet Me At My Locker After 2nd Period”,

Sometimes I miss saying you.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Justin,

I am still not sure what a futuresexlovesong is, but I think I like it.

Love,
Erin A.

Dear Judge Joe Brown Commercial That Said “It’s Joe Time,”

Hell ya it is!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Conversation With My Co-Worker & Student Employee About Having Sex In Your Parents' Bed,

Thanks for bringing me today's awkward moment.

Love,
Danielle

Dear David Caruso,

General Hospital called—they want their soap star gaze back.

Love,
Erin

Dear New Hair Do That I Loved Yesterday But Can't Recreate Today,

Our love affair was too short lived. I miss you.

Love,
Becky

Dear Unexpected Hole In The Butt Of My Suit Pants That I Discovered At Lunch,

You bring a whole new meaning to the term “breezy”!

Love,
Erin

Dear NyQuil,

Taking you at 1am made for a very rough 8am. I have learned my lesson.

Love,
Katie

Dear AWESOME Hot Coco That I Just Discovered Our In-Office Starbucks Machine Makes,

Dammit! 15 more reps...

Love,
Sarah

Dear Wednesday Night Class Called "The Entertainment Industry In New York,"

Glad I'm paying $1600 a month for my bedroom and another couple hundred for tuition to learn that people in New York are lonely...You take my time every week from 7-9:30pm so I can't really go to a show because by the time I get there I've missed half the act. The coolest thing about you is the view from the 63rd floor of the Empire State Building...which got old about 4 weeks ago.

Love,
Josh

Dear Ryan Adams,

Do you read Unsorted Mail?

(Click on the yellow button above the little man in the square on the bottom left.)

Love,
Katie

Dear Creator Of Cricket,

These rules are about as understandable as German hip hop. The only person I’m hating more than you right now is the guy who said, “Hey, let’s play cricket!”

Love,
Greg

Dear Lady In The Car Next To Me At The Stop Light,

The 90's called. They want their hair scrunchy back. Thanks.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Woman Who Sees My Therapist Before Me,

You might want to think about using your indoor voice.

Love,
Mist 1

Dear Lady That Cussed Out My Friend At The Checkout Line For Having More Than 12 Items,

Jeez, you sure do like the F-word! You remind me of my mom. She used to scream the F-word at me like that when I was a little kid…And that’s why I hate myself.

Love,
Greg

Dear Stuffy Nose That Causes Me To Breathe Like A Fat Kid,

Maaaaaaaan…I got winded trying to breathe and eat lunch at the same time…

Love,
Sarah

Dear Mind,

It's clear that I've lost you...I just bought a pair of skinny jeans.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Was Injured In A Trampoline Accident,

I hope you improve by leaps and bounds... hee hee.

Love,
Marie

Dear October,

Let's turn over a new leaf.

Love,
Marie

Dear August And September,

I was not funny during you and the unsortedmail archives prove it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie,

All I have to say is atleast the Celebrity Look-Alike Generator didn't give you Jason Biggs and Lance Bass.

Love,
Marie

Dear Friend Who On Facebook Posted A New Photo Album Titled "Teddy Geiger Concert!",

You better have a good explaination.

Love,
Katie

Dear Wanting To Create A New Blog So That I Could Have A Place To Journal & Post Photos,

And 4 hours after playing on Photoshop and designing the page, I've kind of lost the desire to journal.

Love,
Katie

Dear Avon Clear Skin Invigorating Cleansing Scrub,

How come I didn't really have zits until I started using you?

Love,
Greg

Dear The Saying "Just For Sh*ts & Giggles,"

You annoy me....b/c I certainly don't do anything for the "sh*ts." And if I were, I definitely wouldn't be giggling.

Love,
Crockett

Dear "Oprah & Gayle's Big Adventure",

Oprah, do you don't know to pump gas becuase you haven't done it since 1986? If you ask me, that's a bit more annoying than funny.

Love,
Katie

Dear Catching A Head Cold Right Before I Take The GMAT,

Perfect.

Love,
Katie

Dear Ethernet Conference Call That I'm On,

UUUHHHH... Was that a question for me?? I guess surfing the internet while on the call isn't such a good idea.

Love,
Katie P

Dear Ex,

Are we having a war with blogs? I'm calling a Truce. Really.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for the random people from my past who keep wishing me happy birthday.

Love,
BCW

Dear Katie,

I like it!

Love,
Marie

Dear Accidental Nose Picking While PineSol Is All Over My Hands,

Probably won't do that again anytime soon.

Love,
Marie

Dear Weird And Hard To Explain Mentorship/Student Leadership Internship Thingy I'm Doing For The Next 8 Months,

About 5 minutes into answering the "What are you up to these days" question, I realize most people would have been fine with "Not much. You?"

Love,
Marie

Dear Kenny Chesney,

You SO thought Ellen DeGeneres was talking about your height (and not your vision) when she said that "Your hat isn't helping you with your problem." Your face at that moment=priceless.

Love,
Katie

Dear Seemingly Ridiculously Hot Guy At The Gym,

You were looking pretty good from my eliptical machine over in the corner...until I noticed your short shorts.

Love,
Katie

Dear Co-Workers Having An E-Mail Debate Over Whether Or Not Cell Phone Numbers Are Being Released To Telemarketing Companies,

Don't y'all have something more productive you could be doing.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Creepy Non-English Speaking Man Who Keeps Asking Guys At Work For My Number,

Give it up! If I can't understand you face to face, its not going to translate through a cell phone.

Love,
Jami

Dear Coworker In The Cubicle Next To Me Who Continues To Respond To My Witty E-Mails With 'LOL',

I really thought 'lol' meant 'laughing out loud', not 'sitting at my desk silently'. My bad!

Love,
Shana

Dear Readers,

So we're making adjustments...a little less country and a little less minty. Thoughts?

Love,
Katie

Dear Aaron Carter's 48 Hour Engagement To The Tarnished Beauty Queen Turned Playboy Model Who Also Dated Your Former Pop Star Brother,

And I thought your love would last forever.

Love,
Sarah Mac

Dear Coworkers Who Submit to Unsorted Mail Throughout The Workday,

I would just like to say that it really makes me feel good about myself and my work ethic to know that I am on par with you.

Love,
Erin

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Is it weird that I hear the banjo song from Deliverance when your page popsup....And I like it?

Love,
Sarah Mac

Dear New, Modern, Minimally Decorated, Posh Loft That I Now Live In,

I feel like I need to change myself to “fit in”……..AT HOME…awesome.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Elmo TMX,

I think it is LAP SLAPPING funny that people actually pay $200 for you and then give you to their snotty kids to play with.

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I am suddenly craving a Fannie May Mint Melt Away.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Readers,

So we have a new look for UM! I did it almost all by myself, which means we'll definitely have problems! :)

Let us know your thoughts...should we change the colors, should we scratch it and go back to the old stuff? We love the input!

Off to dream in HTML code...

Love,
Katie

Dear Boss Who Just Asked Me If I Wanted “To Smell Something Good”,

Well, if it’s between that and smelling something bad….yeah, I guess I’ll smell something good.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Hotel I Drive By Everyday On My Way To Work That Has Been Advertising HBO, ESPEN, And Microfridge For Weeks,

Either nobody has informed you of your misspelling or I need an education in ESPEN.

Love,
Angela

Dear Katie,

I guess unemployment also looks like making 10 unsorted mail posts at 2 on a Friday night. You need to come back to Nashville.

Love,
Wedemeyer

Dear Cable Company That Told Be They Would Be There Anywhere Between 8am And 4pm,

...ok...

Love,
Stephen

Dear Georgia,

Sure you won, but that game was pathetic.

Love,
Katie

Dear Musician Friend Who Thanked UnsortedMail In His Latest Album Cover,

Right back atcha!

Love,
Marie

Dear Insane Snow Storm In September,

You know that ditch you were hiding and the black ice you caused? My car found it. Thanks for the fabulous welcome, jerk.

Love,
Taylor

Dear Celebrity Look-Alike Generator,

How did I end up with Juliette Lewis and Sean William Scott?

Love,
Katie

Dear Everyone That I Wish I Could Write About On This Blog,

I think you're cool. Oh, but you're not. I bet I'll never see you again. And you, why did you do that? I miss you!

And somehow...that wasn't the release I was looking for.

Love,
Katie

Dear 1:20am,

So this is where my Unsorted Mail inspiration was hiding?

Love,
Katie

Dear Cool Band That's Apparently Playing A Show In Little Ole Santa Fe, NM,

Cool, so you play the day after I leave...awesome.

Love,
Katie

Dear High Of 45 Today With A Chance Of Snow Tonight,

WTF?

Love,
Katie

Dear Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico,

Wait, that's actually the name of your town? BADASS!

Love,
Katie

Dear $50 Apple.com Gift Certificate Only Valid With A Minimum Purchase Of $50,

Dammit! Why does everything I want add up to only $49.95?!

Love,
Katie

Dear Having Not Worn Makeup For 3 Straight Weeks,

And the scarier part is that I plan on making you 4. THIS is what unemployement looks like...literally.

Love,
Katie

Dear MTV's "Next" Marathon,

NEXT!!!!

Love,
Danielle

Dear Addison,

All I really want to know is, where did you get those panties? Cali? Dereck's coat pocket?

Love,
Erin

Dear Guy Behind Me Who Tapped His Foot Continuously On A Piece Of Paper During Our Exam,

Ritalin, anyone?

Love,
Casey

Dear Girl Who Sat Next To Me During Our Exam Who Insisted On Hitting The Clear Button On Her Noisy-Buttoned Calculator 18 Times After Each Problem,

I'm glad we both made it out of there alive. It wasn't look good for you there for a few minutes.

Love,
Casey

Dear Drivers' Ed,

You should open an office in Nashville. You would make a killing. Oh, you already have an office here? Wouldn't have guessed that!

Love,
Zach

Dear Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere,

I'll see you later tonight...'wink.'

Love,
Lora

Dear Coworker In The Cubicle Next To Me That Emailed Me And I Replied With "lol" Not Considering That You Could Actually Hear Me,

I didn't laugh...I'm sorry.

Love,
Lora

Dear Katie,

This unemployed thing just took a dangerous turn... KetelOne.com at 11:34 am?

Love,
Marie

Dear Long Lost Friends On MySpace,

Ok, let's address the profile baby picture. Is that you or your child? We're just...getting to that age, you know?

Love,
Katie

Dear Self,

I'm not sure that eliptical workout really made up for those Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, beers, tortilla chips...oh and 2 handfuls of dark chocolate chips...

Love,
Katie

Dear Employee In My Company Parking Deck Driving With Windows Down & Music Blaring Who Came To A Complete Stop To Check Me Out As I Got Into My Car,

Take it down a notch. This isn't the Panama City strip.

Love,
Erin

Dear Lady Who Responded To The Evite To Watch The Alabama Vs. Lousiana-Monroe Game,

With a response like "Count me as RSVP'd...long as the Lord's willin' and the Creeks don't rise, as we say back in Sweet Home Alabama” I can't help but miss the South.

Love,
Meredith

Dear Craigslist,

How come "1 BR 800 Sq. Ft. $400/mo. Utilities included, Green Hills/Hillsboro" isn't a listing?

Love,
Erin

Dear HP Digital Cameras With "Slimming Feature,"

Add to basket!

Love,
Katie

Dear Eating Cheerios In My PJ's At 3:30 In The Afternoon While Chatting On IM,

You, friend, are what unemployement looks like...and I'm pathetic.

Love,
Katie

Dear Willa Ford,

I thought it was called "Dancing With The Stars", not "Dancing With The Nobodies Who Had One Crappy Single 6 Years Ago,"

Love,
Katie

Dear Carrie Underwood Whose Subject Of Her New Single Vandalizes Her Boyfriend's Car Because He Cheated On Her,

Maybe you should let Jesus take the wheel.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Ketelone.com,

Way to be original.

Love,
Unsorted Mail

Dear Snake That I Passed On My Bike Ride,

Aaaand...we're pedaling faster.

Love,
Katie

Dear Fairfax County Library Fines,

I will pay you eventually. But if you and I are going to make this relationship work, you are going to have to not be so anal about time.

Love,
AE

Dear Week Of The Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere,

HELL YA!

Love,
Katie

Dear Apartment Suitemates,

Wasn't that fun today when our power was shut down because we didn't get our act together an set up an account with LA Water and Gas?

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Teacher From Charlie Brown,

What?!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Unemployment,

Wow, I've never had this much free time to spend shopping...or, um...saving.

Love,
Katie

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Why does it hurt my pride so much to have letters denyed by you when no one knows except me?

Love,
Chin

Dear Gummi Savers That Are Waaaaaaay Too Sweet,

Why do I knowingly keep eating you?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Hot Chocolate On My Ivory Colored Skirt,

Are you a sign of what the rest of my day is going to be like?

Love,
Danielle

Dear People Of Cooter, Missouri,

Do you not giggle every time you see your water tower?

Love,
Greg

Dear Woman Who Scolded Her 7-Year-Old Grandaughter Saying, "No Honey, We Don't Hate People. We Save Hate For Mosquitos, Spiders, And USC,"

Passionate, are we?

Love,
Katie

Dear Art History Textbook,

Now that you’ve managed to reference “nipple-berries”, I am slightly uncomfortable reading you.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear CAA And Whomever’s Idea It Was To Throw A Party With An Open Bar For Young Music Industry Professionals On A Work Night,

Seriously?

Love,
Erin & her hangover

Dear 5:30am,

Don't worry. I hate you too.

Love,
Chin

Dear Sister Who Said I Should Buy The Bike Because She Might Buy It From Me When I Realize That I Never Use It,

Umm...thanks. Love you too.

Love,
Katie

Dear Bag Boy,

Thanks for pointing out that I'm not buying a bottle of wine tonight.

Love,
Mist 1

Dear Bike Owners,

Ok...Kona Blast or Trek 4500 WSD? Thoughts?

Love,
Katie

Dear Food Pantry That I Am Converting Into A Closet So That I Can TRY To Fit All My Clothes In My New Apartment,

You bring a whole new meaning to the phrase, “put your money where your mouth is."

Love,
Sarah

Dear Fact That I Cried For 20 Minutes On The Phone With My Mom When I Saw That The “Small Difference” In My New Apartment Was The Size Of The Closet,

Yes, I realize I’m a brat and that I need a voice of reason…and a yard sale.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Afternoon Cup Of Coffee,

Why do you make me sweat?

Love,
Joe

Dear Remix Of 'We Belong Together',

Thats about as unnecessary as adding salt to one of Martha Stewart's casseroles. Don't mess with perfection.

Love,
Marie

Dear National Hand Sanitation Week,

Yeah, even thats not enough motivation for me.

Love,
Marie

Dear 4 Hour Nap,

Well, at least I know I'll be awake to see all of Monday night football.

Love,
Katie

Dear Macrumors.com,

Are there really that many people with that little to do in the world? And I thought I was wasting time.....

Love,
Kendall

Dear Person Living On My Couch,

I will be moving out in T-minus 48 hours and then the room intended for your inhabitation will be YOURS. Yes, we’re both happy.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Expensive Shampoo That I Use Everyday,

I just realized how funny it was that you smell like patchouli.

Love,
Katie

Dear Drive To Work On Monday Morning,

Why can't you be more like "Drive Home From Work Friday Evening"?

Love,
Stephen

Dear Cousin's Wedding,

Transportation to and from the reception, top shelf open bar, filet mignon, custom bottles of red and white wine as favors..... I DO!

Love,
Sarah Mac

Dear Grillsbypaulwall.com,

I was wondering if I could get a grill with braces...oh cool, that's in your FAQ section.

Love,
Chin

Dear "XL",

Why are you always the free t-shirt size?

Love,
Steph

Dear "Dinner And A Movie,"

Remember the Titans with black and white cheesecake? How clever of you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Boss That Asked Me About A Line Item On An Invoice,

Yes I did just say “pleasure sensitive”, instead of “pressure sensitive”…I feel dirty.

Love,
Lora

Dear High Of 61 Degrees,

I was so not ready for you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Facebook News Feed,

I think I was the only one who liked you.

Love,
Katie

Dear McDonald's Hot & Spicy Chicken Sandwich,

Hot damn! Wendy's spicy chicken is for wimps...you, are not.

Love,
Katie

Dear Gum,

Since I'm chewing you, can't you make me feel full?

Love,
Angela

Dear Campbells "Soup At Hand,"

You're not so handy when you heat up to hand-blistering degrees, are you?

Love,
Danielle

Dear David Spade And Heather Locklear's Split,

So Dave, looks like someone didn't take 'no' for an answer this time...

Love,
Marie

Dear First Pictures Of TomKats Baby,

WOAH! Is it just me or is your baby like 2?

Love,
Marie

Dear 12 Voicemails,

Hopefully some of the 12 will read this and know that I'm atleast aware of how terrible of a person I am.

Love,
Marie

Dear Maria Sharapova,

Prom night?

Love,
Katie

Dear Facebook,

Mini feeds=stalking.

Love,
Angela

Dear Fire Alarm in My Dorm That Went Off Right As I Got Out of the Shower,

As if my life wasn't awkward enough.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Oprah Who Just Said That She Doesn't Understand Why People Wait Years To Be In Her Audience,

Three words, Oprah: free car giveaway.

Love,
Katie

Dear Amelie Mauresmo,

You're just...how do I say this....not that easy to look at.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Who I Worked With At A Camp In 2002 Who I Recently Friended On Facebook,

Thanks for the invitation to join the "Awkward Facebook Encounters" group. How about you tell me what you really think.

Love,
Katie

Dear Puff Daddy,

Sorry, I meant Puffy...or P. Diddy...oh, just Diddy? My B.

Love,
Katie

Dear Professor Who Referenced The Feud That Exists Between The Two Most Well-Known All-Midget Kiss Cover Groups,

…and this applies to philosophy….how?

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Dawson's Creek Re-Runs,

My, what big words you high school kids use...including you, Pacey.

Love,
Katie

Dear Nice Evenings In Which To Drink Outside At A Bar,

I know your days are numbered as the winter approaches. Let's make these few moments we have together last for eternity.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Grandmother Who Said, "No One Told Me The Dog Had Sex Toys!" (Referring To The Stray Dog That You Took In That Humps Stuffed Animals),

Let's get back to G-rated, Nana.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Shakira Performing At The VMA's,

You sang off key, but even I am smart enough to know you aren't famous for your vocal abilities.

Love,
Casey

Dear Toes,

SUCK IT UP. Just because I am now living at 9,600ft doesn't mean the flip-flops are put away before October.

Love,
Taylor

Dear Guy Who Decided to Almost Hit Me As A Way Of Asking Me To Get Out Of The Middle Of The Road In The Parking Garage,

Why did I smile and do the "sorry" wave when I should have hit your new car with my umbrella?!

Love,
Casey

Dear "Fresh Prince" Theme Song,

I'm so glad I haven't forgotten you, and can still sing along word
for word.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Every Bird In Arlington,

Hey, guess what? There are other cars you can poop on besides mine.

Love,
Marie

Dear USC,

You recruit your quarterbacks based on attractiveness, don't you?

Love,
Katie

Dear K-Fed's New Music Video 'Lose Control',

'Lose your remote control' is a better title for identifying with the people that actually end up watching it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Nicole Richie,

That 2 page spread in US Weekly is the only thing you've been filling out lately.

Love,
Marie

Dear Internet Access,

You can run but you can't hide.

Love,
Marie

Dear Princial Of My "Underperforming Elementary School" In South Central Los Angeles,

Using the 50cent line "Ride or Die" as our faculty and staff motto for the year won't necessarily improve our test scores, but it did give me one hell of a laugh. You rock.

Love,
Jenny

Dear Paycheck,

Really? Because I thought I was supposed to make money once I got a real job with my college degree.

Love,
Meredith

Dear 8 Year Old With A Mohawk,

Oh how I hate to think what you will say to your parents 20 years from now.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Massive Traffic Diversion In Front Of My Apartment Complex,

Not going anywhere for a while? (open mouth, insert snickers)

Love,
Steph

Dear Guilty Pleasure of Listening to The Dirty Dancing Havana Nights Soundtrack,

Did I say that outloud?

Love,
Casey