October 31, 2006

Dear Game Of Egg Nog Pong,

You were the worst idea ever...and my tummy agrees.

Love,
Katie

Dear Readers,

Due to popular demand, we have created a facebook group for our fans!

Enjoy and keep the letters coming!

Love,
Katie & Marie

Dear CT From The Real World/Road Rules Challenge,

When did you get hot?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Searching Myself On Google,

Apparently I don't exist or am untraceable...or let's just admit it...unimportant.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Netflix,

Thank you for making for TV movies availible to rent. I highly recommend any that star (and I use that term loosely) Six from Blossom.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Evangelist At REI,

As uncomfortable as you made people, I have to give you props for your creative line: "I see you're looking at Camelpacks...have you ever had any living water?"

Love,
Katie

Dear Grocery Store Cashier Dressed As A Ghoul/Beaten Lady/Dancer In Thriller,

I think some of your fake blood got on my bananas.

Love,
Katie

Dear Weather.com,

So it's 5 degrees outside and feels like -5? Why don't you just tell me I'm screwed.

Love,
Katie

Dear Reese And Ryan's Split,

There goes the American dream... Next thing you know, baseball will be illegal and apple pie will be extinct.

Love,
Marie

October 30, 2006

Dear Small Educational Component To My Internship Urban Experience,

Spending the majority of my day in the library makes me question the use of the word "small".

Love,
Marie

Dear NBC,

Thank you for creating Heroes in case Lost gets cancelled.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Lost, Or Writers Of Lost, Or ABC,

I didn't know the title of your show was your goal for your viewers.

Love,
Kendall

Dear World,

Why do unattractive boys become irresistable when they pick up a guitar?

Love,
Jenny

Dear The OC,

Showing the season 4 premiere a week early for free on MySpace still does not change the fact that you killed Marissa and the show sucks now.

Love,
Meredith

October 29, 2006

Dear Ex-Boyfriends Birthday,

To call or not to call? Or maybe just to hope you check my blog and realize that I remembered...

Love,
Marie

October 27, 2006

Dear Ghost Hunters,

When seeing a ghost, should you really chase it?

Love,
Angela

Dear Inviting People To Your Wedding Via Facebook,

Two words: Party Foul.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Concept Of Procrasination,

May God bless whoever created you.

Love,
Jenny

October 26, 2006

Dear World,

News Flash: Did everyone know that you can watch Grey's and Lost for FREE on Abc.com?!

...Is it that obvious that I don't have a television?

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy At AutoZone Who Gave Me A Weird Look When I Didn't Know What Kind Of Engine My Car Had,

(Multiple entries...leave a comment and vote for your favorite!)

A. I can tell you what my dress size is though.

B. Sorry, raised by a single mother - Would you like me to bake you some cookies while you check under the hood for me?

C. So where do I go to turn in my penis?

Love,
Greg

Dear Guy Sitting Next To Me In The Library,

Ever heard of Breathe-Rite Strips?

Love,
Jenny

Dear 4 Inch Stiletto Heeled Pumps,

How can something so beatiful be so evil? My blistered feel will never forgive you, but my eyes will always love you.

Love,
Sara

October 25, 2006

Dear Bike Seat After 35 Mile Ride,

Expect to hear from my lawyer.

Love,
Marie

Dear Rachel Ray,

Have you discovered the Starbucks Double Shot too?!

Love,
Jenny

Dear Audience At "Showtime At The Apollo,"

With Monique and Sinbad as alternating hosts, do you ever have an opportunity to stop booing?

Love,
Greg

Dear New Haircut,

Daaammmmnnnnn guuuurrrrlllll!

Love,
Kendra

Dear Alamance County: Your Link To The Future,

Were all the relevant slogans taken?

Love,
Marie

Dear Kenny,

I almost get mad when you don't die.

Love,
Greg

Dear Cardinals,

I can't believe people don't make more fun of Pujols' name. I mean come on... Pooholes! Now thats funny!

Love,
Marie

Dear Neighborhood Sign Reading Caution: Deaf Pedestrian,

Not to single anyone out or anything...

Love,
Marie

October 24, 2006

Dear Suites Everywhere,

It really irritates me that your abbreviation is 'Ste'.

Love,
Marie

October 23, 2006

October 22, 2006

Dear Psuedo-Ten-Year College Reunion in Boulder,

There is NO WAY it's been THAT long. Thanks for adding grey to my hair.

Love,
Kendall

Dear People Who Put Fake Baseball and/or Gunshot Stickers In Their Car Window,

I can tell it's not real. Especially when you're driving a Lexus.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Everyone Who Has A Picture Of Them Making Out As Their Profile Pic On Myspace,

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Love,
Parma

Dear 65+ Yr Old Drummer For Amos Lee,

I consider myself lucky that, out of your entire 5 minute sexual solo, the only word I could understand was 'candy'.

Love,
Marie

October 20, 2006

Dear Piece Of Crap Car Alarm Remote Battery,

Thanks for dying while I was at a rest stop getting gasoline and coffee. Breaking into my own car and having to ask a guy for a screwdriver...real fun, and not embarassing at all.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear World,

I bowled a 169 the other night. That is all.

Love,
Katie

Dear Wine Stained Unemployment Handbook,

I can't decide if this is comic or tragic.

Love,
Mist 1

Dear "The Best of Savage Garden" CD,

A blank CD shouldn't cost this much.

Love,
Greg

October 18, 2006

Dear Dave Navarro,

I wish you gave as much care to your music as you do your beard.

Love,
Greg

Dear 7th Grade,

Remember the PEN15 club? Those were the days.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Ben And Jerry's Chunky Monkey Ice Cream,

You shed a whole new light on the phrase "you are what you eat".

Love,
Kendra

Dear VirusScan Software,

It's a bad sign when even you freeze up.

Love,
Marie

October 16, 2006

October 15, 2006

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I think I'm forcing it. Am I even funny anymore?!

Love,
Marie

Dear Friend Who Put Us On The List For His Concert,

That was so money. Literally.

Love,
Marie

Dear Piece Of Paper I've Wrote All My UnsortedMail Ideas On During My Two Week Road Trip,

I can't believe I lost you! I'm going to look like a total UM slacker if I don't come up with a bunch of letters ASAP. Wait... even then, it may be too late to redeem myself. Dangit.

Love,
Marie

Dear Hammock At Friends House,

We should hang.

Love,
Marie

Dear Baguettes,

I imagine you'd be easier to understand for someone who liked crust.

Love,
Marie

Dear Cowbells Everywhere,

You owe Will Farrell a huge thank you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Country Super-Star Who Lives In A Loft Near Me,

You know when you were running and slowed down becuase you recognize me? It wasn't your abs that made me spill my hot coffee all of my white tank top and my dog...I swear.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Facebook,

Stop trying to be MySpace.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Lunch Hour,

It's weird to think that I live for you just as much now, if not more than I did in 6th grade. You rule! I mean...sike!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Girl In The Stall Next To Me Yesterday With Freakishly Ugly Feet and Crooked Toes,

Not that you could see me, but sorry for staring.

Love,
Casey

October 14, 2006

October 13, 2006

Dear Lifelong Friend Who Asked Me To be The Gift Biotch (Err, Attendant) Instead Of A Bridesmaid,

The least you could have done in this already awkward situation was to cover up your suprise that yes, I actually have a date to bring. And we'd like to be at the table closest to the open bar. Thanks.

Love,
Parma

Dear 3 Inch Sex-In-The-City-Worthy Black Stiletto Shoes I Just Bought,

I think even the check out girl just fell in love with me. You're good.

Love,
Parma

Dear John Mayer,

Can you please explain to me the obsession with the bear costume?

Love,
Jami

October 11, 2006

Dear Crest,

Look, if we're not supposed to be eating the toothpaste, then stop flavoring it with things like cinnamon, tangerine, and bubblegum! You're confusing us!

Love,
Greg

Dear Wertz,

You can call ME at 5:19.

Love,
Steph

Dear Orhan Kahn Who Is From Australia And Comments On Everyone’s Letters, Not To Mention The UM Color Change,

Who are you?

Love,
Sarah

Dear The Color Orange,

You rock my socks off! And my phone, and my coat, and my sheets, and my earrings, and my toothpaste, and my sneakers, and...well, you get the picture.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Marie's Most Recent Facebook Photo Additions,

Thanks for confusing me even more as to what she does for a living.

Love,
Mike B

Dear Carson Daly,

Remember when you used to be cool?

Love,
Jenniac

October 10, 2006

Dear Short, But Kinda Cute Guys That Makes My Coffee Every Morning,

Is it wrong that I am beginning to think of our daily encounters as dates?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear CNN.com Headline "'You Only Live Twice' Actor Dead,"

That's so not cool, dude.

Love,
Greg

Dear Mother's Boyfriend That Bought Me A South Park Tie For My Birthday,

Hasn't my mother dumped you yet?

Love,
Greg

Dear Stock Portfolio,

The DOW has hit record highs, where is my GREEN!?

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Georgia Bulldogs,

It's a shame your bark is as lame as your bite. Go Vols!

Love,
Jessica Mac

October 09, 2006

Dear Whole Foods Employee Who Yelled At Me When I Added Cans To The Recycle Bin,

Ironic.

Love,
Sandy

Dear Monday Morning Alarm at 4:50am,

NO.

Love,
Erin C.

Dear Thoughts of What I Was Going To Get Done At Work Today,

You are always different than what actually happens.

Love,
Casey

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thank you! I no longer have to do an ab routine, as the witty banter from your page has provided a similar workout from laughter.

Love,
Jami

Dear SNL Cast,

How does it feel to know that NBC shows a 6 year old episode immediately after your new one? Do you like everyone immediately remembering how much funnier all those other people were?

Love,
Ryan

October 07, 2006

Dear Road Trip Car-Mate Who Ordered A Chick-Fil-A Party Platter For The Drive Out Of Town,

You, sir, are a visionary.

Love,
BCW

Dear Linen's And Things 10% Off Coupon For Shower Curtains,

Um, thanks...?

Love,
Greg

Dear MTV's Two-A-Days,

Why do I watch the same episodes over and over again? Oh that's right, I can't get enough of Southern boys with long bangs and bad grammar.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear BellSouth Fast Access DSL Internet That I Just Installed At My House After Having No Internet For 8 Months,

I want the hours of sleep I have lost from surfing you to reenter the world of Facebook and to catch up on the over 500 Gmail emails I have not been able to read since my office decided to block personal email accounts back. You have caused me to falsely believe I am back in college again.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Denim Vest,

How on earth did you make your way back into the J. Crew catalog?

Love,
Steph

October 05, 2006

Dear Guy Walking By The Stall When The Door Accidently Opened Due To The Cheaply Made Foreign Lock,

Regardless of the smirk on my face, I feel just as, if not more uncomfortable than you.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Autumn,

Thanks for being so cool.

Love,
Josh

Dear Coworker Who Told Me That I Am Longwinded,

That is so not true, I always try to give you the least amount of information when you ask me questions, becuase I know that you're super busy, and it literally annoys me when people try and stand there and have an hour-long conversation with me when all I needed was a simple little thing like the printer is jammed and I can't fix it, or there's a customer whose details I don't understand, or there is a problem with the radio system, because you know that radio system is always own, I'm not sure why they don't just put in a little extra money and buy those Nextel phones, I mean sure there's a monthly fee, but we'll probably make that money back with the savings on time, like there was this one time that Antonio and I had a ten-minute long scuffle over the radio because neither of us were understanding what each other were saying, hey where are you going?

Love,
Greg

Dear Speed Limit,

In New York we think of you just as a suggestion, but thanks for the input.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear 8th Grade Stussy T-Shirt,

I still think you're cool.

Love,
Natalie

Dear Stale Cereal And Somewhat Dated Milk,

Surprisingly, you two don't cancel each other out.

Love,
Greg

Dear Yom Kippur,

Thank you for making October 2nd a day off of work for me. I promise to appreciate you more in the future.

Love,
Jenny D.

Dear Cat,

Don't look at me like that. I scoop your poop everday. Now the toilet's clogged and I think YOU should take care of it. It's called give and take.

Love,
Greg

Dear John Mayer,

Why do you always look like you're about to cry when you perform your songs.

Love,
Steph

Dear Colleagues At My Office Who Insist On Calling Me Blondie,

Enough is enough. I do not feel compelled to call you Brownie just becuase you are a Brunette.

Love,
K Habs

Dear Self,

Thank you for finally getting the courage to submit a letter to unsorted mail. The world should not be without your comedic genius.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear World Of Public Accounting,

I want my life back.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Katie/Marie/WHOEVER,

It's been 4 days...I'm dying...with a cold...and haven't laughed. Pluuuuuese come back!

Love,
Sarah