Dear Shirtless MySpace Men,

We know it's your brother.

Love,
Jeremiah

Dear Woman At The DMV Who Reminded Me Very Loudly That Lying About Any Information On The Renewal Form INCLUDING YOUR WEIGHT Is A Felony,

Thanks for the self esteem boost.

Love,
Betsy

Dear Mom,

...and how is you getting a boob job supposed to make me feel?

Love,
Michelle

Dear 250 Page Book That I Have To Read By Tomorrow,

If you were as entertaining to read as Unsorted Mail, I would have been finished with you already.

Love,
Beth

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

Why do I get dumber when I watch your movies?

Love,
Ann

Dear Sanjaya,

Who knew we'd actually miss you?

Love,
Morgan

Dear California,

Thank you for always providing toilet seat covers.

Could you please tell the other states to follow your example?

Love,
Jen

Dear Mother-In-Law,

Of course I don't mind if you stay another week.

Love,
Ryan

Dear Pubescent, Lanky And Pimply High Schooler @ EdgeFest in Frisco, TX 4/15,

Carrying around and flashing a small white dry erase board with "Show me your BOOBS!" written on it just proves how much game you don't have. Sadly, you never will if you've started resorting to these tactics, but I commend you on trying. Add alcohol in your later years and move to New Orleans and maybe, JUST maybe, you'll get your wish.

Love,
Christian

Dear Wife That I Heard Breaking Wind From The Other Room This Morning,

For some reason, the sound of a french horn seems funny to me now.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Lying To A Judge While Under Oath To Get Out Of Jury Duty,

Well, I'm going to hell and/or jail, but at least I won't miss my trip to LA!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Kinda-Cute But Really Borderline Creepy Irish Man Who I Have Now Met Randomly Three Different Times In Three Different Irish Cities,

No, actually if I see you in Venice this weekend I will not call it "fate", I'll call it "scary stalking." But hey, thanks for the pint.

Love,
Johannah

Dear Steven,

Just becuase you are now a lawyer doesn't mean that you can convince me that if I like chocolate, and I like bread, then I should like brownies.

Love,
Sarah T.

Dear Large MAN Wearing Goucho Pants, Hooker Boots, A Jean Mini Skirt, And Girlie Polo Shirt At The Bus Stop,

Was it really necessary to top off the whole garb with feathery angel wings?

Love,
Joanna

Dear Ever So Delicate Plastic Grocery Sack That Broke,

Thanks for breaking and therefore making my job easier when you sent 350 pieces of paper stating, "Keep Mississippi Clean - Don't Litter" flying all over a huge parking lot. This not only gives a new meaning to the term "flyers", but it also makes me a hypocrite.

Love,
Kat

Dear Bouncer,

I am no longer thankful that you accepted my fake ID. Did you really think I was 23? Honestly.
At least get me some Advil.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Drunk Guy In The Maroon Hat And Blue Plaid Shirt,

Next time yuo try to hit on girls at a concert, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Only introduce yourself once.
2. Try to keep from tipping over (like a cow)
3. Sticking a beer bottle in a girl's face will not increase your chances of anything except continuing to be ignored.
4. If a girl is ignoring your advances, it's not going to help you at all to ask her why she hates you.
5. If at first you don't succeed, try again on a sober day.

Love,
Jen

Dear Jeans,

Really? Was it necessary to rip open when I bent over?

Love,
Jen

Dear McDonalds,

Somewhere between college and Supersize Me, I've grown embarassed that I like you so much.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dreamy Guy In A Porsche Convertible With A Steelers Hat On Backwards On I-5 In Seattle,

I love you. I want to have 10,000 of your babies.

Love,
Kathleen

Dear College Professor,

Thank you so much for assigning the 30 page, single-spaced, size 10 font paper right before my Spring Break. It makes my vacation all the more enjoyable.

Love,
Jon

Dear Readers,

In Canada until Thursday (sans computer). Please keep the submissions coming!

Love,
Katie & Unsorted Mail

Dear Family Reunion Attendees,

The single status is not a crisis, so you can call off the intervention.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Parent Who Wants Me To Keep Track Of Your Child's Intake And Outtake Of Fluids,

When they start paying me for being a nurse, social worker, counselor, scholar of all subjects and give me all the supplies I need for all of these things I do, I'll consider taking on another job as a human waste specialist.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Mom,

I appreciate you washing my bath mats becuase you assume I never have.

Love,
Sarah T.

Dear Cubicle Mate,

When you break out into a made up song that goes, "I am losing it," I think it becomes bery clear that you've already lost it.

Love,
Lola

Dear 15 Minutes Of Fame,

Why did you have to come in the form of a public access television interview about me being single?

Love,
Jackie

Dear Man Who Sat Next To Me On The Plane,

When you dropped your Xanax, asked me to get your imaginary book called "3 Ways To Avoid The FBI" and then spilled Coke all over me becuase you thought there were snakes on the plan, I thought three things:

1. Don't worry, I don't need an apology. I like walking aroudn during my layover with a wet butt.

2. Samuel L. Jackson will be hearing from me.

3. Please take your Xanax BEFORE you get on the plane. Passengers everywhere will be thankful.

Love,
Crockett

Dear New Yellow Shirt,

You were so much cuter before my In-N-Out burger.

Love,
Lola

Dear Female Co-Workers,

Just becuase you won the NCAA bracket by picking the cutest sounding teams does not make you a viable authority now on men's basketball.

Love,
Jon

Dear Boss Who Said That Good Friday Is A "Good Friday To Work,"

Not funny.

Love,
Anna

Dear Self,

When you first thought after hearing you're getting an $80/week raise is: "Great, that'll be my beer money AND my church money," you know your priorities are out of whack.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Youth Group Kids Flirting With Each Other At Lunch Today,

Oh puppy love...your lack of sublety is incredibly endearing.

Love,
Michael

Dear Cube Mate,

Yes, I did feel slightly pathetic when I realized that I had been talking to you for 30 seconds but you weren't there.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dad,

When you said you hadn't "heard a bunch of Japanese girls giggle in awhile," I understand that you were referring to our previous exchange students that lived with us, but it sure did sound creepy.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear JC,

When you figure out how to stop falling for musicians, copy me on that.

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Boss,

I know that you think you can pull off the leopard print pants and matching belt, but Farah Fawcett called and wants them back.

Love,
Jon