Dear Babe-alicious Italian Woman on the Food Network,

Get out of my dreams and into my car.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Man Who Never Loved Me,

I feel kinda bad being happy that you're fat now.

Love,
Elizabeth

Dear I Love New York 2,

It's a shame I didn't discover you sooner.

Love,
Katie

Dear Walgreens,

I really love working at the front register. Thanks to my employee discount and 2 for 1 deals on large bags of Halloween candy, I'm never really hungry or tired on the job!

Does the health insurance plan cover cavities, diabetes, and obesity related health issues?

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Ace of Base,

Thank you for reuniting. Apparently you opened up your eyes and saw the sign.

Love,
JC on behalf of her funny friend Andy

Dear Wal-Mart Cake Decorator,

When our office supervisor calls in a request for a cake to say,

"Best Wishes, Suzanne!" and underneath that write, "We will miss you!"

and then, when instead on the cake you write,

"Best Wishes Suzanne
Under Neat that
We will Miss you"

Could you not have at least spelled "underneath" correctly?

By the way, it was quite a delicious marble swirl.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dejected Co-Workers Who Direct Their Animosity At Me Because The Other Girl Got Canned,

Your grief would be more believable if you were not so quick to appropriate her office equipment.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Little Girl Infront Of Me At Church,

How cute are you that you wrote on your mini Etch-a-Sketch "Win will it git over?" and then passed it to your mom. I was thinking the same thing.

Love,
Heidi

Dear Carpet Cleaner,

Why did I buy you when I only have hardwood floors?

Love,
Christy

Dear Life,

I'd like time for facebook back please.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Vandy,

WOOOO HOOOO!

Love,
Katie and Marie

Dear Gentleman With Highlights In His Mullet,

Thank you; that's all.

Love,
Michael

Dear Turning 30,

I think I am going to skip you and go straight to 31. It seems less traumatic.

Love,
Jen

Dear 2 1/2 Year Old Son Who Said, "There Must Be A Cricket On My Butt" After Passing Gas,

I think if there was a cricket on your butt, he'd be dead by now.

Love,
Dad

Dear Putting Whole Coffee Beans Into The Coffee Filter This Morning,

I had a feeling it was that bad.

Love,
Katie

Dear Mom,

Remember when you accidentally signed my birthday card, "Love, Laurie"?

That was the best.

Love,
Jenny

Dear Facebook,

I would like my life back.

Love,
Bret

Dear Birthday,

I think it's time we break up. This getting older thing is not working out.

Love,
Angela

Dear Anonymous Summer Sublessor,

The dishes we broke were not family heirlooms. They do not cost $12. They said IKEA on the bottom.

Love,
Bite me.

Dear MySpace,

More like MySpam.

Love,
Katie

Dear Marketing Midterm,

Is it possible to get a G?

Love,
Katie

Dear Halloween Party We're Planning,

You will not have a tub of orange tinted gin & tonic for apple bobbing. I'm still trying to get the pink stain out of my couch from the Valentine's Day party 9 months ago. Well, not actively trying...

Love,
Jen-nay

Dear Celebrity Gossip Magazines,

I must be constipated because I don't give a crap.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Adam,

I think it's time to wrap up the Avril Lavigne phase. It's embarrassing enough that people think it's mine. I don't have the heart to tell them that it's my boyfriend's copy of The Best Damn Thing.

Love,
Kristin

Dear High Natural Gas Prices That Keep Me From Turning The Heat On In The Morning,

I'll be cold til November, I'll be cold til November.

Love,
Stephen

Dear One Large Disgusting Lump That Just Poured Out Of The Non-Dairy Creamer Carton Into My Mug,

Actually, I don't really want any coffee today.
Or maybe ever.

Love,
Sophie

Dear "Gaki Brown" Dress I Was Considering Buying Online,

The gaki part just changed my mind.

Love,
Katie

Dear Cowlick,

Thanks for ruining my chances of ever having sweet emo bangs.

Love,
Katie

Dear Kanye West,

Next time you have an after party starting at 11pm with tickets costing $35, maybe you should show up before 3am.

But thanks for the shitty fashion show and $50 bar tab.

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Whitney On "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?,"

Vowel is not spelled v-o-u-l. I think you're on the wrong show. "Beauty and the Geek" is on the CW.

Love,
JC

Dear Waking Up In Time To Go To Class,

It's been a long time.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Being Sad About The Smoking Ban In Tennessee Even Though I Quit Smoking Long Before It Tooke Effect,

It kind of feels the same as finding out your ex is engaged.

Love,
Michael

Dear Jim Signing Meredith's Cast On The Office,

Unnecessary.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Vandy,

Will you ever stop breaking my heart?

Love,
Katie

Dear Shopping Online During A Midterm Review Session,

It's official. I have a problem.

Love,
Katie

Dear Only Other Person On The Metro Bus With Me Who Just Farted,

You're hopes of playing that off are non existent.

Love,
Katie

Dear Midterns, Depressing Songs, and Waterproof Mascara,

You were made for each other...and me.

Love,
Katie

Dear Library,

Why is it that every time I walk in your doors I suddenly feel ill and want to fall asleep?

Love,
Erica

Dear Unsorted Mail,

You are the first thing I want to see when I wake up AND the last thing I want to see before I go to sleep. Can we be more than just friends?

Love,
Jade

Dear $100 Bill I Had From Selling Something Off Craigslist,

You made me feel more amazing than ever...until I used you at the grocery store and 3 cashiers had to check and make sure you were real.

Love,
Katie

Dear NCAA Top 10...Again,

Boston College, South Florida...seriously? Just pick 10 and keep em. You're more indecisive than my high school girlfriend.

Love,
Chin

Dear Unsorted Mail,

You have so improved the quality and the quantity of your content, unlike ABC, NBC, and CBS.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Friend Who Steals My Quotes And Submits Them To Unsorted Mail,

At least get them right.

Love,
Bret

Dear Friend Who Showed Up At A Wine & Cheese Party With A Box Of Wine and Sierra Mist To Mix With It,

Unclassy has just been redefined.

Love,
Katie

Dear Matt Wrong,

Can you please not be fictional so that I can make my friend a t-shirt that says, "AHH! I'm marrying Mr. Wrong!"

Love,
Jackie

Dear Cafeteria "Pizza,"

I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit to calling you that.

Love,
Jillian

Dear Girl Who Volunteers At Youth Group With Me,

Fine...I am now looking for a loophole in the "No Dating Policy."

Love,
Michael

Dear Delusional Friend Who Believes She Is Shrinking,

You have an amazing way of making paranoia cute. Keep reaching for the stars.

Love,
Jackie

Dear Imaginary Husband That I Have Named Matt,

When are you going to become a reality?

Love,
Jen

Dear Gmail,

Are the ads that pop up on the side while I write emails supposed to reflect what I'm writing about? I had no idea I was so creepy.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Pee Shivers,

You crack me up.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Laptop,

If you'd stop shutting off, I'd stop shaking you.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Customers At The Starbucks I Work At,

You should probably consider the fact that I control what you are about to put in your mouth before you get sassy with me.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Sleep,

I thought we were close enough so that you could stay the night.

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear First Child That I Do Not Have and Do Not Expect To Have Any Time Soon,

You will be relieved to know that you now have a name.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Jeans,

Why do I have two pairs of you with a rip just underneath my right butt check? Is there something you aren't telling me?

Love,
Jackie

Dear NCAA Top 10,

You guys are there for a reason, because you win. Please start doing it. See you next Saturday.

Love,
Chin

Dear Thursday Night Street Fair,

Hmm...as much as I could use a vinyl record ashtray or a t-shirt that says "F**k Cancer" I think I'll stay home to watch Grey's next time.

Love,
Katie

Dear Days,

Why are you so much better when I don't start you until after noon?

Love,
Miriam

Dear Texas,

Hook 'em!...Please...

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Confessed to Constantly Daydreaming About Stealing Something From a Musuem,

Uh, don't worry. This changes nothing.

Love,
Jane

Dear ABC,

Do any of your non reality TV shows have any other plot besides old men making sex jokes and scantily clad women?

Love,
Aaron

Dear Getting Overly Excited That I Am Friends With A Famous Person Via MySpace,

Aren't I a little too old to feel like a teenybopper?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Sister Who Went to the Mall and Stood Around in Dark Clothes and Pretended to Be Taking Orders From an Earpiece,

These FBI dreams have finally gone too far.

Love,
Hannah

Dear Life,

Sorry about trading your for the Job.

Love,
Jen

Dear Man Who Asked the Thrift Store Employee What the Difference Is Between Men and Women's Jeans Over and Over and Over,

Thank you for letting me hear that employee say "the shape of the crotch" five times.

Love,
Nate

Dear Former Boss's Boss Born in 1960 Who Just Friended Me On Facebook,

Accept?

Love,
Katie

Dear Seasons 1 & 2 Of Prison Break,

My grades are your fault.

Love,
Gerald

Dear Person Who Told Me, "Get Over Yourself,"

So would you like to be the pot or the kettle today?

Love,
Becky

Dear 8am Class,

It's not you...it's me.I think it's about time we started seeing other people.

Love,
Matt

Dear Washer/Dryer,

Please stop altering my clothes.

Love,
Steph

Dear Las Vegas,

Please don't hurt me.

Love,
Carla

Dear Fire Truck That Screams Down My Street At 3 AM,

The city may be asleep, but thanks to you I'm not.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Percocet,

I love you.

Love,
Bret

Dear Co-Worker That I Don't Know Who Walked By My Cubicle RIght As I Passed Gas,

You should be the one sending a letter to Unsorted Mail, not me!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Technician @ The Radiology Clinic This Morning,

If MRI's are so safe, why do you have to leave the room before you turn the machine on?

Love,
Michael

Dear Astroturf Koozie,

You were by far the best part of this past weekend.

Love,
Katie