UNSORTED MAIL

Dear Day Full of Meticulously Mapped Out Errands,

2011-01-18T17:56:00.004-06:00

The only thing I did not plan on was looking down to see that I was still wearing fuzzy red slippers in the shelving section of the Container Store.

Love,
Marie

Dear Towel and Shampoo that I Realized I Did Not Pack for my Pre-Workday Workout,

2011-01-18T17:50:00.006-06:00

Let's be honest, I wasn't all that upset about going to Starbucks instead of exercising today.

Love,
Marie

Dear Dear Blank Please Blank,

2011-01-18T17:46:00.002-06:00

Oh no you did NOT just go there.

Love,
Marie

Dear Frozen Yogurt Shop Employee Who Recognized Me By Name,

2011-01-05T20:59:00.001-06:00

Oh. No.

Love,
Katie

Dear Sister,

2010-12-06T20:43:00.002-06:00

Thank God for your Photoshopping skills...and for keeping our family Christmas card recipients from seeing what we really look like.

Love,
Katie

Dear 74 Degrees and Sunny,

2010-09-27T10:48:00.000-05:00

You make me want to have class outside and I'm not even in school.

Love,
Marie

Dear Garnier Wrinkle Test Strips,

2010-09-01T16:10:00.001-05:00

Its okay, I've got a mirror at home.

Love,
Marie

Dear Person I Remember Being Born Who Friended Me On Facebook,

2010-09-01T09:15:00.004-05:00

I feel old.

Love,
Marie

Dear Monday Night Spent Watching The Bachelor Pad & E! Fashion Police,

2010-08-30T21:26:00.001-05:00

If I had a boyfriend, I'd be really annoying right now.

Love,
Katie

Dear Starbucks Pumpkin Spice,

2010-08-30T08:07:00.001-05:00

Welcome back old friend! I missed you!...no I missed you more!...no, no I missed YOU more!

Love,
Katie

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Dear Guy Who Applied for Our Sales Opening by Emailing a Resume and Photo of his Crotch,

2010-08-26T11:49:00.003-05:00

Not sold.

Love,
Marie

Dear Free Coffee In The Dentists Office Waiting Room,

2010-08-24T21:23:00.001-05:00

Something about this situation doesn't seem right.

Love,
Katie

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Dear Amount of Calories in the Packet of Jalepeno Smokehouse Almonds I Just Ate,

2010-08-03T17:27:00.003-05:00

Funny, thats exactly how many calories I burned on the elliptical this morning. Which actually doesn't seem funny anymore, now that I think about it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Reality Steve,

2010-08-03T12:43:00.002-05:00

Did ABC lure you to their side to spread false info, did they masterfully create a trail of lies for you to follow, did your sources really not know about Ali and Roberto, did... Dammit I can't believe I just used my brain for that.

Love,
Marie

Dear Chris From The Bachelorette,

2010-08-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

SWF in Fayetteville, AR seeks you.

Love,
Katie

Dear New White Jeans and Neon Cardigan from J. Crew,

2010-07-30T18:34:00.001-05:00

Wait...what decade is it?

Love,
Katie

Dear Familiar Face Across The Room At a Party Last Weekend,

2010-07-28T12:46:00.003-05:00

I KNOW you... you're... you're... oh wow. My gynecologist. This is a first.

Love,
Marie

Dear Public Breast Feeder,

2010-07-26T19:24:00.001-05:00

I'll be honest. I like boobs. I like babies. Cover it up.

Love,
Reid

Dear Self,

2010-07-23T20:59:00.002-05:00

Do not eat the fiber gum drop chews just because they taste good.

Love,
Katie

Reason #481 Why We're Friends,

2010-07-22T21:56:00.001-05:00

We both laugh at things like this.

Love,
Katie

Dear Inception,

2010-07-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

O-M-G....scratch that. Whoa-M-G.

Love,
Caroline

Dear Being Called "Young Lady",

2010-07-22T21:48:00.001-05:00

Funny how the things I used to hate are now the things I love.

Love,
(Getting closer to 30) Katie

Dear "Road Trip, Beer Pong" Movie Preview,

2010-07-20T23:09:00.004-05:00

My expectations for the movie I'm about to watch just went down...way down.

Love,
Katie

Dear Double Rainbow Guy on You Tube,

2010-07-20T23:04:00.003-05:00

When you laughed, I laughed. When you started crying, I got nervous.

Love,
Katie

Dear Janitors Dancing To Michael Jackson In The Office Parking Lot,

2010-07-20T07:57:00.001-05:00

I'm so glad I came to work early today.

Love,
Katie

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Dear Spread of Candy Jars and Chocolate Covered Strawberries at the Party Last Night,

2010-07-18T08:51:00.001-05:00

You're a drunk girl's dream.

Love,
Cara

Dear Friend Whe Told Me I Looked Like Kate Bosworth In Blue Crush,

2010-07-18T08:49:00.001-05:00

Yesssss.

Love,
Katie

Dear Stressful Work Week,

2010-07-16T06:31:00.001-05:00

Silver lining...losing 2 lbs.

Love,
Katie

Dear Individual Wearing Turqouise Crocs and Brown Velour Pants In The Office Cafeteria,

2010-07-16T00:26:00.001-05:00

What Not To Wear is now on DVD.

Love,
MaryAllison

Dear Brazilian Wax That Somehow Lasted For Over 1 Hour,

2010-07-16T00:18:00.003-05:00

Not only was that the longest and most painful wax I have ever had but it was by far the most awkward.

Love,
Anne

Dear Power Outage, Computer Crash and Getting Locked Out of My Apartment In 1 Night,

2010-07-15T23:24:00.001-05:00

Thank you, God, for my sense of humor.

Love,
Katie

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Dear 2 Month Old Son's Impending Self Awareness,

2010-07-12T22:23:00.000-05:00

Will I regret this as humanity will the computer's?

Love,
Father

Dear Money Magazine,

2010-07-12T22:11:00.003-05:00

I was excited to learn that my town is the #10 best place to live...until I saw the other 9.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend's New Boyfriend Who Looked Really Familiar When We First Met,

2010-07-12T22:05:00.001-05:00

Did you also recognize me as a former match on eHarmony, or was I the only one having a really uncomfortable moment?

Love,
Erica

Dear Plato's Closet,

2010-07-10T09:37:00.000-05:00

I noticed you went for the Crocs and Fuggs over the 7 pairs of designer jeans. Interesting choice.

Love,
Katie

Dear Lindsey Lohan,

2010-07-09T10:09:00.002-05:00

Thanks for making me feel better about how much I drank last night.

Love,
Marie

Dear Neighbors Who Took Advantage Of The Post July 4th Discounts,

2010-07-07T21:30:00.003-05:00

Thank you for the sweet bedtime bottle rockets, roman candles, mortar shells and fountains.

Love,
Matt

Dear 3rd Dinner,

2010-07-07T21:24:00.003-05:00

How did I let you happen?

Love,
Katie

Dear Irate Neighborhood Association Member,

2010-07-07T21:23:00.001-05:00

I am impressed by the gusto with which you roundly condemn the neighborhood association board and use colorful military metaphors to motivate less interested members of the association to join you in ensuring that “founding fathers did not die in vain”. Nonetheless, I am beginning to wonder if six emails a day may be overdoing it. Maybe a short breather?

Love,
Andrew

Dear Theodore Lawrence Tough, My Loving Dog,

2010-07-07T08:30:00.001-05:00

Thank you for bringing me.breakfast in bed this morning. How did you know know that dead toad is my favorite dish? You even went to the trouble to remove its head so I wouldn't have to. You are too good to me.

Love,
Bo

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Dear Office Birthday Party,

2010-07-06T20:33:00.004-05:00

Remember when we all stood there and stared at the cupcakes? That was awkward.

Love,
Katie

Dear Iced Grande Half-Caff Non-Fat 3-Pump No Whip White Chocolate Mocha,

2010-07-05T22:47:00.000-05:00

Just remembering how to order you is a dizzying workout, so it's ok that I drink you everyday, right?

Love,
Mary Allison

Dear Unsorted Mail,

2010-07-05T22:44:00.002-05:00

Where have you been all my life? I've missed you!

Love,
Courtney

Dear Decaf 5 Hour Energy,

2010-07-01T17:54:00.001-05:00

When did we legalize cocaine?

Love,
Katie

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Dear "Mocha",

2010-06-30T21:52:00.001-05:00

I'm flattered that you followed me in the bathroom to ask for my number. Unfortunately you'd need more balls (literally) to get it.

Love,
Jenny

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.6

Dear Unsorted Mail,

2010-06-30T16:24:00.001-05:00

Please leave me alone. I am supposed to be working.

Love,
Jason

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.6

Dear Steve Carell/Michael Scott,

2010-06-29T07:25:00.002-05:00

I can't believe you're leaving The Office! This is huge!...THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!

Love,
Katie

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.6

Dear New Evo 4G,

2010-06-27T22:15:00.000-05:00

I love you...except when you auto correct my texts to say "Lay me" instead of "Let me".

Love,
Katie

Dear Cute Terry Cloth Romper I Tried On,

2010-06-27T14:32:00.003-05:00

For a pool party...probably not. For the Miss New Booty music video...definitely.

Love,
Katie

Dear Sunburn,

2010-06-27T14:25:00.002-05:00

You weren't the accessory I was hoping to wear for my work presentation.

Love,
Katie

Dear Boyfriend,

2010-06-27T08:27:00.002-05:00

Although wearing a Backstreet Boys t-shirt to my high school reunion would have been hilarious, thank you for having a spare real shirt in your car.

Love,
Steph

Dear Party in The USA,

2010-06-26T08:17:00.003-05:00

I will be on the lake today. And you will be on repeat.

Love,
Katie

Dear Gourmet Cheeses,

2010-06-25T20:44:00.001-05:00

Please go on sale. Permanently.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Walmart Shopper Who Offered to Help Me Select a Good Wine,

2010-06-25T20:41:00.003-05:00

Thank you for the Boone's Farm recommendation. I'm going to have to pass.

Love,
Katie

Dear Radio DJs,

2010-06-25T19:18:00.000-05:00

As a general rule, you should not be on billboards or TV.

Love,
Katie

Dear Biscotti,

2010-06-24T10:10:00.001-05:00

I can't explain it, but I like you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Tool Academy,

2010-06-20T22:12:00.001-05:00

Why is that girl giving away roses?

Love,
Katie

Dear High School Reunion,

2010-06-15T00:34:00.001-05:00

You were kind of like the last scene in Lost...but way less meaningful.

Love,
Sarah I.

Dear Very Competitive Aggie Husband,

2010-06-15T00:15:00.000-05:00

If A&M and Vanderbilt end up in the same conference, college football season is going to have a lot more riding on it this fall. After all, the SEC can only have one whipping boy and I feel like Vandy's time is up...

Love,
Sarah

Dear Fellow World Cup Watcher,

2010-06-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

If you don't enjoy soccer, that's fine. But please don't come to watch the World Cup where I am and then criticize the game of soccer as silly and boring. You know, there's a reason it's the most popular game in the world. Maybe it's the Indian, not the arrows, friend.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sierra Club,

2010-06-14T22:44:00.001-05:00

Remember that time you cut down all those trees in order to fill my mailbox with junk mail? Why don't you just send us letter printed on baby seal skin?

Love,
Seth & Julie

Dear High School Reunion,

2010-06-13T17:42:00.003-05:00

Number of people that I flat out didn't recognize = 3. Win.

Love,
Katie

Dear Houston Heat,

2010-06-13T17:37:00.002-05:00

Uncool.

Love,
Katie

Dear Robert Green,

2010-06-13T17:35:00.001-05:00

Tough break...I'd be happy to console you.

Love,
Summer

Dear Facebook,

2010-06-13T17:29:00.003-05:00

Reason #451 why I have a love/hate you: You take the mystery out of high school reunions.

Love,
Katie

Dear Woman In The Grocery Store Parking Lot Who Walked By My Open Driver's Side Window Right As Steve Miller Band Was Cat Calling In "The Joker",

2010-06-10T23:16:00.005-05:00

Awk-waaarrrd.

Love,
Katie

Dear BCS Conference Realignments,

2010-06-10T19:14:00.000-05:00

You remind me of my sorority rush days...and that speed dating phase I went through...wait, what?

Love,
Katie

Dear Dad Who Called USC's 2 Year Post Season Ban "Pretty Much The Death Penalty",

2010-06-10T18:19:00.002-05:00

Close...yet so far away.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Told My Co-Workers That I'm on E-Harmony,

2010-06-10T18:17:00.001-05:00

Karma's a bitch.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Train in the iTunes Top Selling Song List,

2010-06-09T22:24:00.002-05:00

Is it still 1996?

Love,
Katie

Dear Realtor Who Said How Amazing It Is That "Only A Few Years Ago There Were Rats In The Condo Building",

2010-06-09T22:17:00.008-05:00

Timeout, how long have you been a realtor?

Love,
Katie

Dear Middle Schooler Who Said "Gen-UH-tile" Instead of "Gentile,"

2010-06-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

Not laughing at that was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done.

Love,
Seth

Dear Co-Worker I Just Caught Watching Porn,

2010-06-08T21:47:00.000-05:00

It was really funny when you tried to hit minimize, and hit maximize instead.

Love,
Kat

Dear 5th Grade Class,

2010-06-08T21:46:00.001-05:00

Thanks for not paying attention to me at all during that moment yesterday when I mis-typed Peninsula and instead typed Penis. On the board. While you were supposed to be watching.

Love,
Your technology teacher

Dear Toaster Oven That Caught On Fire, Evacuated Everyone In My Office Building, & Alterted The Entire Fire Department That MY Toast Was to Blame,

2010-06-08T21:41:00.004-05:00

Thanks for that.

Love,
Caroline

Dear Twilight,

2010-06-08T21:41:00.001-05:00

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Love,
Jenny

Dear Mother of My Now Ex Boyfriend Who Thinks I'm a Great Catch and Is Praying For a "Hot" Husband For Me,

2010-06-08T21:35:00.001-05:00

I appreciate the sentiment. Really, I do. But it might be better in the future to keep those prayers between you and God.

Love,
Beth

Dear 10 Year High School Reunion Evite RSVP List,

2010-06-08T18:56:00.004-05:00

Who are these people?

Love,
Katie

P.S. Anyone know where I can find a pimp and a Ferrari?

Dear Realator Who Told Me I Could Throw A Halloween Party & Dress As A Nun in My Catholic Church Turned Condo,

2010-06-07T22:55:00.003-05:00

Something tells me you've done this before.

Love,
Katie

Dear Work Sponsored River Float Trip Invite,

2010-06-07T22:25:00.002-05:00

Work is to bathing suits as orange juice is to toothpaste. Decline.

Love,
Katie

Dear Readers,

2010-06-07T22:21:00.001-05:00

Send us your letters (unsortedmail@gmail.com) por favor!

Love,
Katie

Dear Axe Shampoo,

2010-06-05T14:35:00.000-05:00

If 94% of girls you've surveyed agree that greasy, dirty hair doesn't look good on a boy...could I get phone numbers for the other 6%?

Love,
Chris

Dear Spontaneously Running In A 5K Fun Run After 3 Beers,

2010-06-05T13:59:00.003-05:00

I've had better ideas.

Love,
Katie

Dear Unsorted Mail Face Mini Lift That Seemed To Easy To Be Real,

2010-06-05T13:56:00.001-05:00

Did that just work?

ohoh.oh.ohoh.oh.oh...oh...my...gosh.

Love,
Katie

Dear Semi Annual Sale At Nordstrom Starting On Wednesday,

2010-05-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

Living in Arkansas has now become torture.

Love,
Katie

Dear Kyle From The Bachelorette Whose Occupation is "Outdoorsman",

2010-05-24T22:23:00.005-05:00

Let's just call it what it is....unemployed.

Love,
Katie

Dear Bachelorette,

2010-05-24T22:23:00.002-05:00

You are going to make for endless Unsorted Mail posts.

Love,
Katie

Dear Flip Cup Pool Party That Woke Me Up From My Sunday Nap,

2010-05-24T22:20:00.001-05:00

I guess this means it's summer.

Love,
Katie

Dear 21 Year Old Who I Met At The Bar On Friday,

2010-05-23T14:54:00.002-05:00

It's official...I'm a cougar in training.

Love,
Katie

Dear Loyal Unsorted Mail Fans,

2010-05-17T20:31:00.001-05:00

We hope to be back soon! Stay tuned for details!

Love,
Katie & Marie

Dear The River 102.3's Mammogram Mixer,

2010-01-07T10:18:00.001-06:00

Regretfully decline...

Love,
Marie

Dear Tiger,

2009-12-04T08:56:00.001-06:00

You're actually more of a cheetah, now that I think about it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Garden Ridge,

2009-09-18T11:14:00.001-05:00

You sell Halloween costumes, Pringles and shower curtains, but no actual plants. Did everybody know this but me?

Love,
Marie

Dear Billy Currington,

2009-08-24T15:49:00.001-05:00

If Katielamm were still working for your label, she wouldn't have let you get away with rhyming 'obituary' with 'millionairrey'.

Love,
Marie

Dear "Dance Your Ass Off",

2009-08-18T10:21:00.002-05:00

Reality TV does have a breaking point. And no, I'm not making a fat joke.

Love,
Marie

Dear Job,

2009-08-17T10:40:00.002-05:00

You are seriously taking up too real estate on my calendar.

Love,
Marie

Dear Ikea,

2009-08-17T10:38:00.002-05:00

You were not meant to be done alone.

Love,
Marie

Dear Bacon Jam,

2009-07-17T10:18:00.001-05:00

If you're wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Love,
Marie

Dear Taylor Kitsch,

2009-05-08T11:36:00.002-05:00

When I casually made eye contact with you in Whole Foods, I was mentally wrestling to the floor and duct taping the mouth of my inner-twelve-year-old-screaming-I-LOVE-YOU-TIM-RIGGINS!-while-begging-for-an-autograph-self. You're welcome.

Love,
Marie

Dear The Salt Lick BBQ, Claiming To Be The Last Bit Of Texas Left In Austin,

2009-05-08T11:28:00.002-05:00

1) You yourself are not located in Austin.
2) You've clearly never been to Deep Eddy Cabaret.

Love,
Marie