Dear Hot Guys At Work,

Oh, sorry. My bad. I forgot that you don't exist.

Love,
Katie

Dear Oasis,

I hope I can be drunker than you at your concert tonight. I am leaving work early to give it my best shot.

Love,
Kip

Dear Cast Of The OC,

Get out while you still can.

Love,
Ginger

Dear Clock On My Office Wall,

Why do you always move more slowly on Fridays than any other day of the week?

Love,
Becky

Dear Friends Whose Wedding Is During The Final Four Games,

Just make sure there's a tv at the reception and nobody gets hurt.

Love,
Katie

Dear Air Conditioning Blasting In My Office,

You make my pale legs look whiter, if that's even possible.

Love,
Katie

Dear Left Over Tacos,

I'll be seeing you later!

Love,
Kip

Dear Flower Delivery Truck,

Why in the world would you have a pine scented air freshener hanging from your rearview mirror?

Love,
Katie

Dear Horoscope,

Did you really just say:

"Have you been thinking about adopting a pet? If so, this is a great time to do it! You might actually find that you can communicate intuitively with your new friend."

Love,
Katie

Dear Paula Abdul,

Have you listened to your music?

Love,
Greg

Dear Shakespeare,

Thanks for, like, inventing all them new words, and stuff.

Love,
Greg

Dear MRI Appointment,

Why wouldn't you be at 9pm, 30 minutes away?

Love,
Marie

Dear Male MySpace Messagers Who "Saw My Profile And Thought I Seemed Cool",

You've taken desparation to a whole new level. Spare me.

Love,
Marie

Dear 50 Year Old Man Who Cut My Hair This Morning,

Remember how it was just the two of us in the entire salon for an hour? That was awkward.

Love,
Marie

Dear Boss,

Next time you're coming in at noon, do you think you could maybe give me little more of a warning? My 2nd consecutive all-nighter with Jack Bauer is kicking my ass.

Love,
Mike B.

Dear Guy With Goatee Split Into Two 4" Braids,

Even though your girlfriend is only 15, hang on to her, buddy. Girls who go for that look are not exactly a dime a dozen.

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy At The Gym With The "Your Name On A Grain Of Rice Necklace",

Did you get that & the "Will Work For Beer" t-shirt your wearing in Panama City over Spring Break '01?

Love,
Katie

Dear Fatty,

This is the only way you'll ever be featured on unsortedmail if you continue emailing us such vulgar ideas for the blog... I'm still queasy from the one about your wiener.

Love,
Marie

Dear Marie,

Remember our joint speech at the rehearsal dinner when we thanked the groom's parents for the free booze? It was way better than the high-school-friend-bridesmaids' poem.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Walking With White Earplugs,

Honestly? We all know that's not an iPod.

Love,
Marie

Dear Easter,

You're Aramaic for Reese's Peanut Butter Egg, right?

Love,
Katie

Dear Natasha Bedingfield,

It is officially impossible to get through a day without hearing "Unwritten" on the radio...and I'm going insane.

Love,
Katie

Dear College Radio DJ's,

Stop talking. Play music. Seriously, nobody cares about why you love (enter obscure band here).

Love,
Katie

Dear Soon-To-Be Hairstylest Who Could See Me "Anytime",

Should I be concerned?

Love,
Marie

Dear Shatter-Proof Ruler,

Thank God you won’t shatter when I use you to write or read straight lines.

Love,
Russ

Dear Oversized American Restaurant Portions,

I wish I had more of a problem with you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Techno Tejano Music Blasting In My Tanning Booth,

If your purpose was to make the time pass faster, I'd say you achieved the opposite.

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy Singing At Tootsie's Orchid Lounge,

I'm not sure anyone appreciated the on stage muffin top party that took place when you invited all the "redneck women in the house" to come up front and dance with you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy In Front Of Me On My Way To Work Rubber-Necking The Construction Crew,

My gut feeling is that either you've got a thing for ripped t-shirts and muscles or, like many of us, you were tragically misguided by your career counselor. Either way, we may have something in common.

Love,
Carol

Dear Rootbeer And Moonpie I Selected At The Chevron,

Go ahead, make my day.

Love,
Marie

Dear Florida,

I'd hoped you'd be warmer.

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy From Miami With a Kiss T-shirt Under a Sport Coat,

I don't know if it was the fact that they were leopard print or that you called them your "panties" that made me the most nauseous. What I do know is that you made the computer room at the Doubletree feel real uncomfortable real fast.

Love,
Marie

Dear Roommate Who Insists On Watching Re-Runs Of "There & Back" And "Room Raiders" Instead Of Basketball,

Seriously?

Love,
Taylor

Dear Online Bank Statement,

I love it when you surprise me on payday! You're the best.

Love,
Mike B.

Dear White Jeans,

I can't believe people buy you.

Love,
Kip

Dear Marie,

Let's talk about priorities...work convention in Florida over Unsorted Mail?

Love,
Katie

Dear Roommate,

12,000 sprays of Abercrombie Woods could not cover up the smell you left in the bathroom.

Love,
Katie

Dear Buffalo Sauce,

I really, really didn't need to know that you're actually just butter and hot sauce.

Love,
Katie

Dear J Crew Spring Catalog,

Did someone say flip flops and searsucker shorts? I'm in love.

Love,
Katie

Dear NyQuil,

I'll take 2 of you and 6:00pm, please.

Love,
Katie

Dear Back Pain,

I take it you don’t like the cheap chair the office gave me.

Love,
Russ

Dear Jordan Catalano,

You and Angela were so cool. I miss you both.

Love,
Katie

Dear Girl In The Office March Madness Pool,

You are not in first place because you have any skill at picking winners. Pure luck.

Love,
David

Dear Guy In This Photo Who "Friended" Me On MySpace,

Deny.

Love,
Katie

Dear Turkey Sandwich,

You make staying awake after lunch an Olympic sport.

Love,
Katie

Dear Seasonal Allergies And Head Cold,

I hate you both.

Love,
Katie

Dear Previous Two Blog Entries,

5 words for you: USAIR flight 1401 to Florida.

You can't stop me.

Love,
Marie

Dear Second Day of Spring,

Did you just predict a 24 hour snow shower?

Love,
Marie

Dear First Day Of Spring,

Did you say a high of 40 degrees?

Love,
Katie

Dear Bubblicious LeBron's Lightning Lemonade Gum,

You taste awesome... for about 30 seconds.

Love,
Marie

Dear Everyone I Am Beating In Our Office March Madness Pool,

I'm in first place, bitches! And y'all are getting beaten by a girl!

Love,
Katie

Dear Pizza Hut,

I can't imagine how much you must've paid Jessica Simpson to sing 'these bites are made for poppin' on your commercial.

Love,
Marie

Dear Crazy Man Waiting For The Metro With Me,

I tried to understand the basis of your fear that the Leprechaun is going to come after you because you have one of his gold coins, but I have to admit I gave up when you started talking about him throwing roast beef and cornbread at you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Marie,

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Katie

Dear Tom-a-to / Tom-ah-to,

Has anybody ever thought about asking YOU?

Love,
Marie

Dear Local CBS Affiliate,

Did you really just switch over to the first 3 minutes of the Tennessee/Winthrop game when Boston College and Pacific started double overtime? You have GOT to be kidding me.

Love,
Katie

Dear Gas,

Why do you only pass 10 seconds before a co-worker comes over to talk to me?

Love,
Mike B

Dear Sunshine,

I fall in love with you only to get burned.

Love,
Josh

Dear Water,

Why can't you taste as good as Diet Dr. Pepper?

Love,
Katie

Dear Birds That Loudly Chirp Outside My Window at 6:30am,

I should welcome you as an early sign of Spring, but on the annoyance scale you're pretty much even with the roommate who doesn't turn off his U2 playing alarm clock before getting in the shower.

Love,
Katie

Dear Cold Wind,

We were both very happy when you moved to Saskatchewan. Are you back because it’s a comfort thing, or do you really think we have a future?

Love,
Adam

Dear Dressing Room Mirrors That Allow Me To See Myself From Every Angle,

I think you owe me an apology.


Love,
Marie

Dear Marie & Katie,

Thanks for providing me with another procrastination device.

Love,
Kip

Dear Urban Outfitters Automated Email Titled Frock & Tunic Sale,

Add to shopping cart? Yes please!

Love,
Katie

Dear Memo,

Yes, I got you already!

Love,
Russ

Dear Throngs of People Wearing Green in the Streets Last Weekend,

Woah there! I think a couple pages in your daytimers got stuck together.

Love,
Marie

Dear Rain,

Why do you stop the second I get under cover?

Love,
Katie

Dear Dinner on Friend's Parent's Credit Card,

Sure, 3 lbs of lobster seems unnecessary... but it was the only thing on the menu that went with our $12 cocktails.

Love,
Marie

Dear Use Of "Bless His/Her Heart" After A Harsh Criticism,

Thanks for making me sound slightly less bitchy.

Love,
Katie

Dear Back-To-Back Awesome Hair Days,

You would go really well with a boyfriend.

Love,
Marie

Dear First Sign of Spring,

Hell yeah!

Love,
Marie

Dear Friday,

I love you.

Love,
Kip

Dear Music Industry Employee That I Recognized At The Gym,

Were you really changing CDs in your Discman on the treadmill?

Love,
Katie

Dear Woman Driving 10 Miles Below The Speed Limit,

At first you annoyed me, but when I saw you stick your whole ice cream cone in your mouth to use both hands on the wheel, you made me sad.

Love,
Katie

Dear Silent Readers,

What's up with no commenting?!?

Love,
Marie & Katie

Dear Fat-Free Half & Half,

Don't you... contradict yourself... or something?

Love, Marie

Dear Thursday,

I woke up and thought you were Wednesday, but you're not...and that's awesome.

Love,
Katie

Dear Dr. Rey from Dr. 90210,

When they took your picture for the definition of 'tool' in the dictionary, did you wear that pinstripe suit and pink tie?

Love,
Marie

Dear 'They Got Married' Pop-Up,

YOU again.

Love,
Marie

Dear Other Roommate Who Didn't Turn Off His Alarm Clock Before Getting In The Shower,

I don't appreciate having U2 stuck in my head all day. Not cool, man. Not cool.

Love,
Katie

Dear Roommate Who Answers The Phone With "Heh-whoa" When His Girlfriend Calls,

Whi-pish! (sound of cracking whip)

Love,
Katie

Dear Chilli Mac,

Why did I eat you again?

Love,
Mike B

Dear "Mr. Mailman" Who Booed Katie's Spring Break Blog Entry,

Who died and made you the new Gene Siskel?

Love,
Marie

Dear Awkward Weird Squeaky Noises That Come From Somewhere Inside The Intestine,

You make a small, quiet, early morning Bible study my worst nightmare.

Love,
Marie

Dear Aloe Vera Stem,

Your brokenness quite literally makes way for healing others. How's that for deep?

Love,
Marie

Dear "Man" As An Ending To Sentences,

Why can't I stop using you, man?

Love,
Katie

Dear Coffee Mugs That I Knocked Over And Wet Coffee Grounds That I Spilled On The Carpet In The Hallway,

Thanks for making it obvious to my coworkers that I'm hungover.

Love,
Katie

Dear Jake Gyllenhaal,

Way to be "that guy" who ruins Kodak moments slash cracks me up.

Love,
Katie

Dear Tough Guy Lifting Weights Next To Me At The Gym,

Don't think I can't hear Madonna's Confessions on a Dancefloor playing in your headphones...becuase I can.

Love,
Katie

P.S. Sweet Umbros.

Dear Integrity,

Sometimes I wonder if you're worth it.

Love,
Marie

Dear "That Guy" at Longhorn Steakhouse,

If I have to hear you say "You must be hungry!" one more time when I pick up lunch for 5 coworkers, I'm going to have to pull on your mullet.

Love,Katie

Dear Academy Awards,

Based on your surprise when Three Six Mafia won, you'd think you didn't both ask them to perform and vote on them to win.

Love,
Marie

Dear Vanderbilt Spring Break,

I like the Panera parking spots that you make availible.

Love,
Katie

Dear "Ben's Chilli Bowl",

My co-workers don't like either of us very much right now.

Love,
Ginger

Dear Nashville Sarah,

I don't blame you one bit for not noticing McHottie when you were neighbors. He was that weird guy that rode on his bike with the ponytail down his back. No wonder you never did a double take.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Secret Invisible Solid Deoderant,

I do my part, why can't you do yours?

Love,
Ginger

Dear Loyal Readers,

You can thank me later for only posting 20% of the food related letters that come to mind.

Love,
Katie

Dear Britney,

Has anyone ever told you that your baby kinda looks like a bulldog?

Love,
Marie

Dear Undergrad Degree,

Wait... why did I need you again?

Love,
Marie

Dear Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On",

Am I the only one who feels awkward when you're played at wedding receptions?

Love,
Katie

Dear Sex,

Are you thinking about me, too?

Love,
Marie

Dear Gmail Chat,

Thanks for giving me a more mature immature way to relate to people.

Love,
Marie

Dear Inflatable Tire,

Why did you attach yourself to my stomach?

Love,
David

Dear Nashville NBC Affiliate (aka: New Least Favorite Channel),

You're seriously choosing to air the "American Baby Casting Call" instead of "The Office"?

Love,
Katie

Dear Car In Front Of Me With The Whistle Tip,

Whatcha wanna WOO WOO!?

Love,
Katie

Dear Spring Break,

I never grew out of my need for you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Tan,

We are farther from each other now than ever before.

Love,
Marie

Dear Office Window,

Your a good-for-nothing-can't-be-opened tease.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Who X-Rayed My Knee,

I think we both know you were looking up my skirt.

Love,
Marie

Dear Adulthood,

College was so much cooler.

Love,
Caitlin