Dear Beach,

Come a little closer, baby.

Love,
Marie

Dear Future,

Let's make a deal... I don't worry about you, you don't worry about me.

Love,
Marie

Dear Ex Boyfriend,

I really don't need you to fix me up with any of the guys you work with. Your relationship common sense is questionable at best, after all you did break up with Me.

Love,
Becky

Dear Productivity,

Google Chat is kicking your ass.

Love,
BCW

Dear That Guy Who Starts The "A" Line 1+ Hours Before A Southwest Flight Departs,

Way to be that guy.

Love,
Katie

Dear Man Who Sat Next To Me On The Plane Who Claimed To Be A Once Famous Drag Racer,

Thank you for 4 hours of stories from "back in the day"! What would I have done without you!?!

Love,
Katie

Dear Sunshine That Has No Dimmer Switch,

Can you tone it down a bit? People are already referring to you as "Death Ball."

Love,
Kendall

Dear New 'Wash Post' Blogger: "OK, Coretta King Was Not a Communist, My Bad",*

Rocky start.

Love,
Marie

*This letter was basically stolen verbatum from a NY times article. Mad props to the author of it who writes kickass unsortedmail without even trying!!

Dear 'Top 20 Country Comedy Shows' Airing On CMT Tonight,

Wait. So are there really more than 20 country comedy shows or are you just gonna rank Jeff Foxworthy's appearances?

Love,
Marie

Dear Johari Window That I Emailed To My Friends,

So the top 2 adjectives to describe me are complex and witty? Wow...I sound like a TON of fun.

Love,
Katie

Dear Dentist's Assistant Who Managed To Spray Water All Over My Face When She Cleaned My Teeth,

Is this your second time doing this or what?

Love,
Katie

Dear Santa Fe (7000 feet above sea level),

You certainly have a way of dishing out the altitooties.

Love,
Katie

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I keep laughing out loud in a large, silent computer lab full of dutch students.
Yeah, i'm that loud american.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear NY Times Quote "It's Not So Much A Blog As A Travel Destination",

I hope you were referring to ours!

Love,
Marie

Dear Jogger Waiting On The Corner While I Was Stopped At A Red Light,

No, I didn't see you there. And no, I'm not sorry for singing "Let's Get It On" at the top of my lungs with the windows down.

Love,
Marie

Dear Speed Checked By Radar,

So is that opposed to areas where cops just eyeball it?

Love,
Marie

Dear New Home Computer,

Late night Unsorted Mail, here I come!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Headline "Find Out Why David Hasselhoff Cried",

Wait. Let me guess. You found cigarettes in Hobie's beach bag, again?

Love,
Marie

Dear Coffee Mug That I'm Drinking From With Angels and Clouds Printed On It,

I'm not sure if I've ever felt like such a secretary...I mean, executive assistant.

Love,
Katie

Dear Email That I Sent To The Entire Building With A Spelling Error In The Subject Line,

Awesome, just awesome.

Love,
Katie

Dear Panama City Beach,

So I know I haven’t seen you since I was nineteen, skinny, tan and on a wild spring break trip……All that said, please don’t disappoint me this weekend.

Thanks,
Sarah

Dear Katie,

6" Heels? Do you have another job I wasn't aware of?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Hollywood Tans,

When selecting music that would make customers feel more comfortable about taking off their clothes and standing with their backs to the door in the dark, I'm curious as to how you decided on the theme song from Brokeback Mountain...

Love,
Marie

Dear 6 Inch Heels,

You + pushing a flat bed cart loaded with 700 lbs. of Costco purchses = bad idea.

Love,
Katie

Dear Hand Made Confetti That I'm Making For A Company Party,

What was I thinking?

Ugg...back to getting carpal tunnel...I mean, making HAND MADE confetti...

Love,
Katie

Dear Douche Bag That I Met Last Weekend and Conveniently Ran Into Again This Weekend,

Yes. You are still the world's biggest Douche Bag the 2nd go 'round.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Things That Keep Me Guessing,

Nicole Richie's on-again, off-again romance with DJ AM is not one of you.

Love,
Marie

Dear SuperBond Glue,

Your plastic top sort of makes it hard to believe you're going to get the job done on my plastic microwave handle.

Love,
Marie

Dear Naps And Shower That I Have Taken In The Office Over The Past Week,

If I ever complain about my job again, slap me.

Love,
Marie

Dear Thesis,

I want my life back.

Love,
Taylor

Dear Self Tanner,

Where's the "warning: will make you smell like a gorilla"?

Love,
Katie

Dear First Day Back From Vacation,

Because of you, I’m now saving to buy an island in the Caribbean.

Love,
Russ

Dear Double Negative,

You're never not a better way to say things.

Love,
Marie

Dear Blogger™ Next Blog Button,

Umm, yeah. Perhaps we should rethink your utility.

Love,
Mike B

Dear Driver Who Had All His Windows Rolled Down,

You and I both know its not a pretty day outside. You know what else we both know? That you were airing out a fart.

Love,
Marie

Dear High School Aquaintance,

We weren’t friends in high school so what makes you think I want to be your myspace friend?

Love,
Melinda

Dear Taylor Hicks,

Who knew the potential next American Idol could look so constipated all the time?

Love,
Katie

Dear Barrel Of A Curling Iron Shaped Burn On My Chin,

Great. Juuuuuust great.

Love,
Marie

Dear "Pop Tarts Presents American Idols Live" Concert,

I'd rather stuff you in my locker and go to a "Toaster Strudel Presents Nashville Star" show.

Love,
Marie

Dear Martina McBride,

Thats so embarrassing that you just sang "Imagination Is In Your Noodle" on Sesame Street. Wait. I just watched Sesame Street. Dangit.

Love,
Marie

Dear Jack Bauer,

I want your cell phone that works in caves, power plants, tunnels, and airplanes.

Love,
Fatty

Dear Lady Who Cut Me In Line At Kinkos,

So you said you "only want 8 copies of each photo of your dog"... Do you really think that the word 'only' is appropriate in that sentence?

Love,
Marie

Dear Two Lean Cuisines I Had For Lunch,

I'm not feeling so lean.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Unsorted Mail,

You do a good job of sorting mail which I find to be quite odd.

Love,
Fatty

Dear Izzie from Grey's Anatomy,

You may make me question the sanity of females, but I still love your boobies!

Love,
Fatty

Dear Apple Online Store,

You know you sell expensive things when you ask if your customers want to pay with 2 credit cards.

Love,
Katie

Dear Left Over Chinese Food,

I am going to dominate you when I get home and I'm not even going to give you a chance to get warmed up!

Love,
Kip

Dear Digital Camera,

I apologize for the confusion...not EVERY picture has to be myspace worthy.

Love,
Sarah

Dear McDonalds,

Suddenly calling your coffee “premium” makes me feel better about being a cheapskate. Thank you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Far Left Lane of Traffic,

Don’t people know that you were made for speeding?

Love,
Brad

Dear Neighbor Across The Street,

The second I turn off my bedroom light you start blasting music through the speakers on your balcony. Coincidence, I think not.

Love,
Katie

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! You're the best!

Love,
Marie

Dear Weekly Report To My Boss,

What crap will I pretend to have done this week?

Love,
Brad

Dear McDonald's ArchDeluxe,

Come back!!

Love,
Marie

Dear Internet,

I think I might have found the end to you today.

Love,
Mike B

Dear Realization That I Have To Drive My Boss To The Airport Later Today,

Aw, shucks... Scratch that last letter.

Love,
Marie

Dear Entire Office To Myself,

Can we say... pre party?!

Love,
Marie

Dear April Showers,

Way to be late to the party.

Love,
Josh from Nashville

Dear Baby Shower,

Is it bad that out of twenty women, I am the only one who got drunk?

Love,
Melinda

Dear "The View",

Did I just watch you?...Am I a woman?

Love,
Greg

Dear The Word "Ass Face",

I LOVE YOU!

Love,
C Barnes

Dear Both Top 40 Radio Stations Playing Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" Simultaneously,

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the year was 2006.

Love,
Katie

Dear Children,

You should have mailed my cards and presents by now.

Love,
Mom

Dear Gym That I Noticed Had Been Remodeled Since My Last Visit,

Was I really gone that long? Yikes...

Love,
Katie

Dear Girl Push-Ups,

I like you much better than regular push-ups, but let’s just keep that between us.

Love,
Greg

Dear CVS Farter,

President Bush has just bumped the warning level to red. Thanks a lot, asshole. Literally.

Love,
Gregory

Dear Kenny Chesney's "You Had Me At Hello",

See, the funny thing is, that's about where you lost me.

Love,
Marie

Dear Britney,

You know that exorbitant weight gain doesn't necessarily mean you're pregnant, right?

Love,
Marie

Dear K-Fed,

Maybe you should K-Fed Ex yourself into hiding. Just a thought.

Love,
Gregory

Dear Majority Of Pictures In Friend's Online Album From Recent Party,

If you were a photo essay arguing the hypothesis that I am a loser then... A+.


Love,
Marie

Dear University Alumni Association,

According to my calculations, you’re asking the wrong person for more money.

Love,
Greg

Dear Unsorted Mail,

You never fail to make me laugh, no matter how bad my day has been. Thank you!

Love,
Becky

Dear Button That Popped Off The Waist Of My Stretch Jeans,

A safety pin might be a quick fix, but it could not repair the emotional damage that has been done.

Love,
Katie

Dear New York,

Thank you. Diet Cokes taste better when they're $4.50 each.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Publishers of My Research Methods Textbook,

Thanks for the CD-ROM and all, but I think a family-size package of pain reliever would serve a greater purpose.

Love,
Greg

Dear David Blaine,

The real feat last night was suckering network television to set aside a 2 hour special to watch you hold your breath for 7 minutes and fail.

Love,
Russ

Dear Coworker (And I Only Have One),

You farted. I had to paper clip my nose shut just to keep my breakfast down. And really, I just wanted to share that with everyone.

Love,
Marie

Dear Geraldo,

Have you ever done something in your life that you didn’t feel was “EXCLUSIVE”?

Love,
Greg

Dear Girls Flashing Their Boobs At The Kentucky Derby,

So tell me...how many beads does it take to earn your dignity back?

Love,
Katie

Dear Google Search "Did You Mean: ________?" Helper Thingy,

Once again, you totally read my mind.

Love,
Marie

Dear Monday,

You really put the weak in work week.

Love,
Marie

Dear Lead Singer From Rascal Flatts,

So... are you in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Longest recovery from wisdom teeth surgery" or what?

Love,
Marie

Dear Mike/Alecia, Troy/Taya, Fatty/Paige,

I'm a little over being the 3rd, 5th, and 7th wheel.

Love,
Katie

Dear American Inventors,

Can’t someone invent a way for men to apply chapstick that doesn’t look fem?

Love,
Russ

Dear Nick Lachey,

You're odds for a comeback are very slim. I'm glad that you can share that similarity with your tribal armband tattoo.

Love,
David P

Dear AcneFree Face Wash,

Isn't there a law against false advertising?

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Girl Visiting DC Named Kiwi,

I can't wait to eat you... I mean meet you... riiiight.

Love,
Marie

Dear $7.50 Matinee Movie Ticket,

You're about as good of a bargain as a half-price Chris Gaines fan club membership fee.

Love,
Marie

Dear Cuatro De Mayo,

You only wish you were Cinco!

Love,
Josh

Dear Empty Bag of Doritos,

Your maker’s profits, 1. My waistline, 0.

Love,
Greg

Dear Dashingly Good Looking Lawn Guy,

Remember 5 seconds ago when you said you liked my smile, and I said I liked your weedeater? Clearly, you make me nervous.

Love,
C Barnes

Dear Maury Povich,

Yesterday's episode: "I'll Prove My Dead Son Is Not Your Baby's Father" Are you kidding me?

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Who Turned Off the Bathroom Lights on Me,

I hope I shake your hand today.

Love,
Russ

Dear Coworker Who Put The Stonewashed Denim Shirt In The Auction Item Donation Box Down The Hall,

Ummm...do you think someone's actually going to pay money for that?

Love,
Katie

Dear Cardio Abs Instructor,

You know when you kept saying "Three... Two... One... Eight more"?

Bitch.

Love,
Marie

Dear Multiple Lightbulbs That Simultaneously Burned Out In My House This Morning,

Thanks for the pitch black bedroom you left me this morning. I blame you for my mismatched outfit.

Love,
Katie

Dear IT Department,

Who knew Unsorted Mail had a blue background?? Thanks for my new badass monitor.

Love,
Mike B

Dear Little Black Vandy Pants,

I know it hurts your feelings that I only run in you on cold days. But guess what? It hurts my feelings that you stopped flattering me in 1998.

Love,
C Barnes

Dear Connect Four,

Surprisingly, you are not more fun to play while drunk.

Love,
Greg

Dear Marie,

Texas called. She wants her license plates back (since you no longer have a use for them). She also wanted me to warn you that the odds of you marrying a yankee just went up three-fold.

Love,
Jordan

Dear Cab Driver,

You know when you whipped out your guitar to jam along to 'Regulate" by Warren G on my ride this morning? Ya, see, I was actually paying you to DRIVE.

Love,
Wertz

Dear Charlie Sheen,

What Denise needs to realize is that all the restraining orders in the world won't keep her kids safe from the genetic abuse you've already inflicted upon them.

Love,
Marie

Dear Folgers,

The best part of waking up is... Oh, jeez. Today is going to suck.

Love,
Greg

Dear Marie,

You didn’t give me that unsorted mail shoutout that we don’t remember you promising me Friday night.

Love,
Adam