Dear Horse Poo,

I think we're both ready to hit the trail.

Love,
Marie

Dear Girl At Work I Have Trouble Starting Normal Conversations With,

Hey, so, like, do they even have male OB/GYNs anymore?!

Love,
Greg

Dear Men Who No Longer Give Ladies Seats On The Metro,

I'd expect a little more con-seat-eration out of you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Marie,

Oh! I was just about to post that last letter! Asheville '06 here we come!

Love,
Katie

Dear Katie,

See you tomorrow!

Love,
Marie

Dear 8-Yr Old Boy In A Stroller,

Of course you and your mom have matching fanny packs.

Love,
Marie

Dear Friday,

How is it only 11:13 am and you feel like 6:49 pm?

Heart,
Melinda

Dear Days Of Our Lives,

When I turned you on yesterday and saw Steve and Kayla, Frankie, Austin, and Carrie all back in Salem, I had to go check my calendar to make sure the year was still 2006.

Love,
Becky

Dear People Who Don't Use Turn Signals,

It's a crime that your actions aren't against the law in Tennessee. I mean, it's not a crime. Or...um...it should be...?

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy At Gym In See-Through Shorts And Tightie Whities On Elliptical,

No game. No game at all.

Love,
Blair

Dear Quadricep I Pulled During Our Kickball Game,

We have to come up with a better story.

Love,
Katie

Dear Number Of Times I Glance At My MySpace To See If I Have Messages,

I'm so glad nobody is counting you becuase we'd all know how pathetic I really am.

Love,
Katie

Dear Time I Said "House Sitting Is The Bombest Way To Make Money",

I can't help but feel like the house I'm house sitting at's basement flooded just to spite me.

Love,
Marie

Dear Non-Alcoholic Beer Keg,

I'm sure you're just an expensive joke.

Love,
Greg

Dear Meeting That I Just Forgot About and Now It’s Too Late Go Into,

OH CRAP!

Love,
Brad

Dear Blind Date,

I heard you eloped with your ex-fiancé 2 weeks ago…I had no idea the date was that bad…

Love,
Sarah

Dear Nasty Pigeon That Tried To Fly In My House Through A Closed Window,

Take THAT!

Love,
Wertz

Dear Marie,

You will be missing your parents when I leave you out there to die because you either a) get hypothermia, b) are too exhausted to go on or c) get mysteriously impaled with a spear. Respect!

Love,
Your Friend Who Sent You a Two-Page Packing List for TWO Nights of Backpacking

Dear Expression: "Toot My Own Horn",

You're funny.

Love,
Katie

Dear World,

I grilled beef kabobs for the first time ever last night, and let me tell you, I'm a good little griller!

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Sent Us A Two-Page Packing List For One Night Of Backpacking,

Someone missing their days as a wilderness guide?

Love,
Marie

Dear April Showers,

June has stolen your thunder. Quite literally.

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy In The Grocery Store Who Said He Loved My T-Shirt And Wanted To Take A Closer Look,

Thanks for reminding me that I wasn't wearing a bra.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Community College Commercial I Have Memorized,

Thanks for reminding me that I watch way to much TV.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Katie,

When you say the powder Emergen-C packets "really fill you up" is that like an anorexic girl saying that she satisfied with gum and water?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Bombay Sapphire Gin,

I’m not sure who to be angrier with – you or the tattoo artist for not talking me out of Tweedy Bird tattoo I now have on my lower back – but someone is gonna pay.

Love,
Greg

Dear Anxious Coworker Who Makes Everyone Around Him Nervous,

Quit drinking so much coffee.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Second Wind,

Do you even exist on a hour and a half night's sleep?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Ass-istant,

Good luck finding a new job…I hope your next boss doesn’t mind the amount of time you spend slacking off online.

Love,
Sarah’s Boss

Dear Person Who Stole All My Cash In The Grocery Store And Then Ditched My Purse In The Produce Section,

I'm plum artichoked up about it.

Love,
Marie

PS. Orange you glad I didn't ketchup with you and squash you? Don't you carrot all about others? Your heart of palm is as cold as iceberg. Ok. I'm done.

Dear Boss,

Here's a hint: Turn your volume down BEFORE you go on my myspace page.... then I'll never know you are stalking me and my friends.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Red Bull,

How do you do it? You look like tinkle but you taste like candy.

Love,
Katie & Sarah

Dear Team We're Playing At Our First League Kickball Game Tonight,

We're going to kick your balls.

Love,
Katie

Dear Hitler Mustache,

You’re just never going to be back in style, are you?

Love,
Greg

Dear Body,

Is it even remotely possible to become hydrated after drinking 15 jagerbombs and 6 beers last night?

Love,
Jordan

Dear Bug Repellent Commercial That Enthusiastically Said "Will Protect You From Insects Carrying West Nile Virus!"

Ha ha! So what you're saying is that you can protect me from death. That's a serious product you got there!

Love,
Katie

Dear Enquirer Headline "Laura Storms Out After George Cheats With Condi",

Yeah, right. Next you're going to tell me Bill cheated on Hillary with Monica.

Love,
Marie

Dear Girl On MTV's "Next",

In reference to the guy you were about to be set up with, did you just say "I hope he looks like he just got out of prison!"

Love,
Katie

Dear Sign That Read "Free Air Show",

Is this opposed to you charging me to look up?

Love,
Zach

Dear Mom's New Live-In-Boyfriend,

I realize that there isn’t any Uncomfortable-Non-Father-Figure’s Day, and for that I am truly sorry. So here, let me pay for the next round.

Love,
Greg

Dear Guy Who Understands Binary Code,

01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01100001 01100011 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100101 01100101 01110000 01111001 00101110

Love,
Greg

Dear Gash On McBride's Face That Made His Shirt Bloody So He Had To Take It Off And Change During The World Cup Game Today,

I love soccer!

Love,
Marie

Dear Middle Aged Woman Wearing Shorts With 'Back Off' Written On The Butt,

No problem.

Love,
Gregory

Dear 35 Yr Old Man Laying Out At Highschool Pool,

A hundred bucks says "Yep, stiiiiill got it" ran through your head atleast once.

Love,
Marie

Dear Sonic Toaster Sandwiches,

You sure know how to make an “I got drunk and hooked up with my ex-boyfriend last night” morning so much better.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Phen Fen,

Has anyone ever told you that you have a drug problem?

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy Friend Who Repeately Said "Side Hug, Side Hug, Side Hug" As I Went In For The Frontal,

Did our friendship just backtrack?

Love,
Jean

Dear Folger's Commercial Katie Just Shared,

Tolerate the morning?! You used to be the best part of waking up! Get your act together.

Love,
Marie

Dear Bonnaroo,

Here I come!

Love,
Katie (& everyone else going)

Dear Folgers,

Whoever wrote this commercial for you must have been on drugs. I'm entertained and afraid all at the same time.

Love,
Katie

Dear President of my Homeowners’ Association,

You returned the check I sent you because I mailed you the check instead of signing up for direct deposit.

Do you want my money or not? And is it that hard to cash a check? You should just be happy that I’m still sending you money…the grounds look like shit.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Side Hug,

You are so awkward.

Love,
Katie

Dear 1/2 Of A Cigarette That I Smoke Every Two Months,

Thanks for reminding me why I don't smoke.

Love,
Marie

Dear 2 Friends Working At Starbucks Closest To My Apartment,

Venti, please!

Love,
Marie

Dear Friend Who Said He "Ends Up On So Many Blogs, Like Girls With Eating Disorders And Stuff",

I get it now...you just stumble upon those blogs. I thought you meant that girls with eating disorders were blogging about you. Now THAT would be interesting.

Love,
Katie

Dear MySpace Friends,

Is it just me or do 75% of you have Gnarls Barkley as your profile song?

Love,
Katie

P.S. I'm so weird that I actually had a dream last night that I got a computer virus and it switched my song to "Crazy." I think I'm craaaaazaaay...Wow, I'm such a nerd.

Dear Zach,

Sorry for being high-maintenance at your BBQ the other day…..I just thought air conditioning was a no-brainer when it was 90 degrees out.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Today,

You're only Wednesday? Ugg...

Love,
Katie

Dear George Bush,

It is just me or is it starting to seem like you're imitating Will Farrell?!

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie,

I find your most recent April 5th blog entry "Attempting to make up
for my absence" very ironic. I would venture to say you are not
"attempting" very hard.

Love,
Sara

Dear Home Depot,

Do you know how much I really, REALLY love you now that I’m a homeowner?

Love,
Brad

Dear Guy With The George Hamilton Tan, The Beer Gut, Smoking A Cigarette, Wearing A HealthTech Shirt,

You are the very definition of irony.

Love,
Becky

Dear Person Who Found Their Way To My Blog by Googling "Make Me Not Crazy",

Google was like, WAY wrong. You won't find that in my blog. But do let me know if you find it anywhere on the internet.

Love,
Wendy

Dear Sixer Of Corona In The Fridge,

I hope you remembered our date tonight for the Mav's game. If not, I might invite your sis, Dos XX. She has always been more than welcome in my casa.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Lady,

So are you!


Love,
Marie

Dear UnsortedMail,

I'm on a roll!

Love,
Marie

Dear Granny Smith,

How bout dem apples?

Love,
Marie

Dear Boss,

Its noon and I haven't done any work yet. Is that okay? Good.

Love,
Marie

Dear Dippin Dots,

You've been the ice cream of the future for what, 20 years now?

Love,
Marie

Dear Michael Jackson,

What do you and coffee have in common?
I like you better black.

Love,
Marie

Dear Marie,

I hear you sleep in sunglasses at night becuase the sun never sets on a badass.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Taking My Lunch Order Over The Phone,

You know when you accidentally said "So you want the black bean d**k?" instead of dip? Ya...that was funny.

Love,
Katie

Dear Stress Ball,

Oddly enough you cause me stress when I think about all the germs that the entire office has left on you.

Love,
Russ

Dear Lady Picking Her Nose While Driving Down I 65 This Morning,

Unfortunately I saw you.

Love,
Brad

Dear Al-Zurqawi,

Catch ya on the flip side.

Love,
Marie

Dear Shania,

Either Canadian fashion is the opposite of American fashion, or you and KD Lang are way out on a limb.

Love,
Marie

Dear Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade,

Of course you're in the school suppies aisle at the grocery store! What was I thinking?

Love,
Katie

Dear Girl At The Grocery Store Popping A Zit While Looking Into The Reflective Metal Panel On The Side Of The Hot Dog/Sausage Section,

I just lost my appetite.

Love,
Katie

Dear Marie,

I'm back!!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Creator of Cricket,

These rules are about as understandable as German hip hop. The only person I’m hating more than you right now is the guy who said, “Hey, let’s play cricket!”

Love, Greg

Dear Katie,

Without you, this ship sinks.

Love,
Marie

Dear Friends 'Going Away Party',

I'll bring the oxymoron casserole if you bring the contradictory pie!

Love,
Marie

PS. Quite possibly my dorkiest unsortedmail yet and proud of it.

Dear AirTran Webmaster,

Yeah right, 'Does AirTran Offer Logo Merchandise For Sale' is one of 4 FAQ's.

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy In The Pimped Out Excursion Driving Around The Parking Lot Offering Cheap Body Work For My Car,

No one with that goatee, that vehicle, or that business model will ever touch my car.

Love,
BCW

Dear Ticketmaster Email Titled "Don't Miss Mariah Carey",

Dare me.

Love,
Marie

Dear "125 lbs, You Can Get There By June 1st" Post It On My Computer That I Wrote 6 Weeks Ago,

Damn...it's June 1st.

Love,
Katie