UNSORTED MAIL: July 2006

July 31, 2006

Dear Two Runs To Wendy's Within The Same Hour Last Saturday Night,

Wait...did I just admit that I did that?

Love,
Katie

Dear Girl Who I Live Through Vicariously As You Play On The Internet,

So, my creepy ways and occasional contributions to sudoku don’t help
you out? That is OK…because one day we will be sudoku
champions…together.

Love,
Scott

Dear Unforgiving Jeans,

Would it help if I went to confession?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Over 100 Hits On Unsorted Mail Today,

I'm blushing!

Love,
Marie

Dear Inbox,

I wish you were more exciting.

Love,
Marie

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I'm sick of thinking in letter form...You make me get on my OWN nerves.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Paul Walker,

If we were to ever have sex, I'd need to put a paper bag over your acting.

Love,
Casey

Dear Microsoft Windows AutoCorrect,

im lost wihtou tyou.

Love,
MArie

July 30, 2006

Dear Febreeze Bathroom Spray,

Forget what Dr. Phil says. You are the secret to successful relationships.

Love,
Marie

Dear Chik-Fil-A,

After all that I've done for you, and you still treat me like this on Sundays.

Love,
Marie

July 28, 2006

Dear Grown Man Standing Outside Of My Apartment Complex,

The fact that you were so freaked out by my pair of 3 pound yorkie pups that you ran off and lost your shoe when you saw them really disturbs me. So much for a neighborhood watch group.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Mountain Bike With Really Cool Shocks,

You make riding the Indianapolis sidewalks more extreme than ever.

Love,
Scott

Dear Gossiping Co-Workers,

Your constant hen pecking just makes me happier that I'm not you. Have another muffin as you gripe about your husband's roving eye.

Love,
Allison

Dear People Who Begin Sentences With "Well Aren't WE _____..." When They Are Only Talking About Me,

Stop it.

Love,
Marie

July 27, 2006

Dear Pam & Kid,

So I hear your having a Nashville wedding. Me plus one guest please. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Coworker Who Left Spilled Milk In His Mini Fridge For 3 Plus Months And Is Just Now Trying To Clean It,

Dammit Jordan!

Love,
Katie & Everyone Else You Work With

Dear Apartment,

Pack yourself up - I'm leaving you! And let's just say size DOES matter.

Love,
Casey

Dear Inventor Of The Motorized Cooler,

Thank you. Now, I have a classy place to put my Natty Light.

Love,
Scott

After reading the entirety of your archives last night, my husband is now thinking aloud in letter form only. It's going to make the roadtrip from LA to Houston either totally awesome or really looong. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah

July 26, 2006

Dear Www.odetojaeger.blogspot.com,

I'm willing to believe Jaeger does deserve its own blogspot.

Love,
Marie

Dear Computer Programming Company Employee Who Will Be Attending A Coworker's Bachelor Party This Weekend,

So instead of getting a stripper will y'all slowly take apart an iMac while "Pour Some Sugar On Me" plays in the background and the iMac rotates around a pole?

Love,
Katie

Dear AP Story "Lance Bass of 'N Sync Reveals He's Gay",

You call that breaking news? Try reporting something I don't already know...

Love,
Katie

Dear Joe Dirt Lookalike At The Astros Game,

Did you really just scream "KISS MY GRITS" at the top of your lungs?

Love,
Steph

Dear Friend Who Wanted To Take Multiple Shots Before A Lunch Date To Calm Themselves Down,

I'm not sure that smelling like tequila at noon is the the best way to get to date #2.

Love,
Katie

Dear California,

You know how you think you're better than all those other states because you spurn central AC? Well, you're not.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Bad Joke Telling Dentist,

This brings a whole new meaning to "captive audience".

Love,
Scott

July 25, 2006

Dear Nashville Pool Of Men,

I've lost all faith in you.

Love,
Lauren

P.S. Thank God for cats.

Dear Topher Grace,

Good thing you left “That 70’s Show” so you could kick-start your blooming movie career. Hey, how’s that going anyway?

Love,
Greg

Dear Close Talker,

Tic-Tac?

Love,
Lora

Dear Wild Oats Boulder Trail Mix,

Why must you surrender all nutionary value by being doused in sugar?

Love,
Jordan

Dear Friend Of A Co-Worker,

No, I mean…It's totally normal to get completely naked and rub mustard all over your body in a crowded party cove on the lake. So normal.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Oregon,

You may not have Katie. She is obligated to at least one more season of kickball.

Love,
The Flying Squirrels

Dear Monday Night Television,

You are completely useless.

Love,
Russ

Dear Double Chin,

I haven’t heard from you in months, so why suddenly show up at the license branch?

Love,
Greg

July 24, 2006

Dear Rachel Ray of '30 Minute Meals',

Has anyone ever told you that you look like a human version of Princess Fiona after she turns into an ogre?

Love,
Marie

Dear Halloween Display In The Cracker Barrell General Store,

I'm sorry. I thought it was July 24th.

Love,
Katie

Dear Task Of Filing,

It's not you. It's me.

Love,
Casey

Dear Quiet Stroll In The Publix Parking Lot This Afternoon,

I'm sorry you were interrupted by a crazy lady screaming "WHATEVER!!!" at the top of her lungs with no one around but me.

(Sing it) AWKWARD.

Love,
Vanessa

July 23, 2006

Dear Speed Checked By Aircraft Sign,

Then why was there a cop with a radar gun 50 feet behind you?

Love,
Marie

July 22, 2006

Dear Friend Who Dislikes Princess Bride,

Inconceivable!

Love,
Steph

Dear DC Office Of Traffic And Parking / My US History TA From 3 Years Ago,

You love to see me fail.

Love,
Marie

Dear Reader Who Submitted A Letter That Read "Dear Life, Stop Sucking",

Is this a cry for help? Do we need to talk?

Love,
Katie

Dear Songwriter Guy At The Bar Tonight Who Asked Me: "So Are You Going To Say ANYTHING?!",

Are you going to stop talking about yourself for 2 seconds?

Love,
Katie

July 21, 2006

Dear Taz,

I think you are officially a has-been.

Love,
Marie

July 20, 2006

Dear Guy Leaving Target On His Bicycle With A Pack Of 24 Charmin Mega Rolls Hanging From His Handlebars,

He he he...

Love,
Katie

Dear Roommates,

Hey, thanks for turning out ALL the lights in the apartment before you left on your double date! I almost forgot that I'm still here by myself.

Love,
Marie

Dear Extra 15 Lbs. That Force Me To Do Deep Knee Bends To Make My Jeans Fit,

The magic is gone. I think we should start seeing other people.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Blog Section Of 'Bible Online' Website,

Now where were you when Matthew, Mark, Luke, James & John were writing?!

Love,
Marie

Dear Musician Friend For Whom I Recently Posted A MySpace Comment,

Suddenly every wannabe musician under the sun is sending me friend requests and messages... I learned my lesson.

Love,
Marie

Dear Left Ear That Has Been Ringing Every Day For 4 Years Now,

Please stop.

Love,
Wedemeyer

Dear Trans-Fat,

In your case, absense makes the heart grow... stronger.

Love,
Marie

Dear Tostitos,

You disappeared... leaving me no choice but to go after the 7-layer dip with a spoon.

Love,
Marie

Dear Jessica Simpson,

After viewing your "Public Affair" video, even my ipod wants a divorce.

Love,
Steph

July 19, 2006

Dear Burn On My Finger,

Shhhh, no one needs to know that you came from holding up a lighter at the Indigo Girls concert tonight...

Love,
Marie

Dear Project Runway,

Thank God your back!

Love,
Katie

Dear Made In California "Texas Salsa",

You taste nothing like anything I've ever had in Texas...and I don't mean that in a good way.

Love,
Katie

Dear Cute Girl I Met At The Wedding This Weekend,

Seriously?! Arguing over whether or not mules are strictly female? Certainly that is not the most flirtatious topic of conversation I could come up with. I really gotta work on my game.

Love,
Andy

Dear 2 for 1 Margaritas At Chili's All Day Every Day,

What time do you open again?

Love,
Casey

Dear Getting Off Work Early Because Boss Had To Go Pick Up His New BMW,

Some days, we all win.

Love,
Marie

July 18, 2006

Dear Being "On The List" For Daniel Powter Tonight,

I'm not sure if you make me feel more cool or less cool, yet.

Love,
Marie

Dear Strangers Car That I Accidentally Got Into In My Frenzy To Get To The Airport,

Woah! Katie and I both, huh?!

Love,
Marie

Dear Concrete Pile In The Parking Garage At Work,

When I side-swiped you this morning, I knew the rest of today really didn’t stand a chance.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Grilled Cheese And Side Of Fries That I Just Scarfed Down,

Oh, I hurt...but I hurt so good...

Love,
Sarah

Dear Wasting Time At Work,

I like you. Let's do this more often.

Love,
Lora

Dear David Hasselhoff,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Love,
Katie

Dear Episode Of Wife Swap That I Watched Last Night With The Lady Who Thought She Could Get All Her Energy From The Sun,

You owe me an hour of my life back.

Love,
Casey

Dear Wal-Mart Watch Repair Guy Who Broke My Expensive Watch,

What was I thinking trusting a guy with a mullet? Were you filling in for someone and you really work in the hunting dept?

Love,
Vanessa

Dear Co-Creator Of Unsorted Mail Who Thought She Could Sneak Back For Seconds At The Wedding Day Brunch Without Being Noticed,

You were wrong. BUSTED!

Love,
Andy

Dear Time I Walked To My Car Outside The Mall, Got Into The Driver's Seat, And Then Realized It Was Someone Else's Car,

Well that's a first.

Love,
Katie

July 17, 2006

Dear Bumper Sticker That Read "Some Days The Dragons Win",

I have no idea what that means.

Love,
Katie

July 16, 2006

Dear Being In Nashville Without A Car,

You're... different.

Love,
Marie

Dear Jimmie,

I don't care that you cracked corn.

Love,
Marie

July 14, 2006

Dear Jenna Von Oy,

After seeing you at The Grape I learned that you're pursuing a career in country music, but just know that you will always be Six in my heart.

Love,
Shana