Dear Makers Of Cheetos,

The makers of buffalo wings gave us wetnaps. My freshly ruined white dress shirt and I agree that you should, too.

Love,
Greg

Dear Pam Anderson And Kid Rock Divorcing,

First Brit and K-Fed...and now you two!?!
Does anything last forever?

Love,
Steph

Dear Chicago Mayor Who Banned a Christmas Story from Your Christmas Festival,

Huh?

Love,
Lanier

Dear Hair That I Thought Could Wait Another Week For Coloring Until I Got The Pictures Developed from Thanksgiving,

You've been outed.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Terrorists Who Tried To Use Liquid Explosives To Attack Airplanes,

You owe me a bottle of shampoo, vanilla body wash, and some really expensive lotion.

Love,
Amelia

Dear Cannibal Corpse, Dying Fetus, Necrophagist, and Unmerciful Concert Playing At The Java Jazz Coffeehouse,

You might need to rethink your choice of venue.

Love,
Steph

Dear Old Friend From College Who Still Works At Abercrombie & Fitch,

Whew--Is it sad in here, or is it just you?

Love,
Greg

Dear Old "Friends" Who Found Me On MySpace,

If I wanted to keep in touch with you, I would have.

Love,
Cami

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Why is it that even though you are from the South, you still have the worse fake southern accent I have ever heard?

Love,
Stephen

Dear Coffee Shop Full Of People On Computers,

Ever wonder why we suck at personal relationships?

Love,
Kendall

Dear Ability To Write Funny Unsorted Mail Letters,

Wish you were here.

Love,
Katie

Dear Dads Everywhere,

Why is it impossible to think of good gifts for you?

Love,
Katie

Dear Mechanical Santa That Sings Christmas Songs And 'Toots' During Them,

Forget milk and cookies...expect lactaid and soy milk.

Love,
Angela

Dear USC Frat Boys That Are Suing Borat Over Your Drunken Appearance In His Latest Flick,

C'mon, of course YOU'VE seen Girls Gone Wild...You didn't question ANYTHING when the producers got you drunk??

Love,
Sarah

Dear Server Who When I Asked If Your Restaurant Had Sweet Tea, Pointed To The Sugar Packets On My Table And Said, "There.",

Yankee.

Love,
Ashley

Dear 9 to 5,

Wouldn't it be more appropriate to call you 7:30 to 6?

Love,
Seth

Dear 50-Something Neighbor who Drives His Girlfriend Around In His Red Convertible Blasting "Don't Cha,"

Awesome. You rock that mid-life crisis!

Love,
Danielle

Dear Bright Orange Flowered Rain Boots,

I hope you're appropriate office attire.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Microsoft,

Replacing the "T" in Tunes with a "Z" does not make your product anywhere near as wonderful as iTunes. But thanks for trying.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Chinese Buffet,

Why can't I quit you?

Love,
Seth

Dear Mario Lopez,

Without fail, your dancing triggers an instant flashback to The Max "Dance-Off."

Love,
Steph

Dear Boyfriend-ish Person Who Called Me Motherly,

All I can say is "I'll show you...and...You've done it to yourself!" Hope you don't mind babysitting me this weekend.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Honda Salesman And Manager,

Thank you for putting me in my place as a woman. After you repeatedly asked if I needed to contact my husband for advice because you didn't think I realized what "CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED" meant, I suddenly figured out that I DO need my husband's advice for anything other than washing dishes and vacuuming. Have have I made it this far without him?

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Friends Who Crashed At My Place After A Night Out,

Sure, go ahead..... Raid my fridge...

Love,
Sarah

Dear People Magazine,

I'm not saying I'm necessarily into 45 year old men... but I'm also not going to be disagreeing with you anytime soon.

Love,
Marie

Dear TGI Fridays,

Thank you for your new appetizer menu that includes deep fried green beans, fried mac and cheese, and a heart attack.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Allergies,

If I could punch you in the face, I would.

Love,
Katie

Dear LSU Fans,

You all smell like corn dogs.

Love,
Lila

Dear Jay Cutler,

There is a big difference between you and you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Crewneck Sweatshirt I Wore All Day,

You make me feel like I'm on Home Improvement.

Love,
Katie

Dear Chasing Liberty,

You are the worst movie I have ever seen...and my night has officially been wasted.

Love,
Katie

Dear Arnold,

Thank you for calling Califonia residents and reminding them to vote, but next time, it'd be cooler if you didn't do it 4 times in one day.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Election Day,

I elect to stay inside and drink some tea. But standing in line in the cold would've been fun, too.

Love,
Marie

Dear Kevin Federline,

With your awesomely terrible new album and a loudspeaker, North Korea could take over the world.

Love,
Josh

Dear Algebra II Student Who Asked Me For Help Finding The Limit Of A Function,

Sorry, but Geometry was my limit and I'm afraid there was little functioning after that.

Love,
Marie

Dear "Emails From Jesus,"

So close to Unsorted Mail, and yet, so far away.

Love,
Becky

Dear Kid Who Was Laughing Uncontrollably and Yelling "Dad, You Farted!" in the Comedy Section at Blockbuster While I Was Looking for a Movie Tonight,

Gracias for the warning.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Low Bandwidth While I'm Trying To Watch "Lost,"

I-cant-underst-yo.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Jim,

How could you miss Pam's call?

Love,
Angela

Dear Kanye,

Are you serious?

Love,
Katie

Dear Homework,

You know I am trying to avoiding you when I start proof reading my friends' facebook profiles.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Food Network,

Why is everyone on your channel so skinny?

Love,
Jenny

Dear My Soul Sucking Job,

I'm literally counting down the minutes until my contract ends. And for the record, that's 246,960 minutes.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Episode Of "The Office" That's On Tonight,

I'm so excited that I just farted a little bit.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Promotional Emails From Jcrew.com,

You were so much more fun before I realized this new job only pays $4.86 an hour.

Love,
Katie