Dear Twin Sister Getting Married In Less Than A Month,

I can be foudn at the food and drink table if and when you need me. Please be sure it is well stocked with finger foods and tasty beverages...and by finger I mean can be eaten with just one hand and by tasty I mean alcoholic.

Love,
Taylor

Dear Mortgage Professor,

Thanks for informing us that if we "think" we will get the right answer. Helpful, real helpful.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Teenage Girls Who Compulsively Vote For Sanjaya,

Do you really want to be responsible for my death?

Love,
Jon

Dear Sore Throat And Cough,

Are popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies bad for you? Hope not.

Love,
Sophie

Dear Alabama Highway Patrol Man Who Pulled Me Over,

Thanks for pointing out that there are no roads in Alabama with a speed limit of 81.

Love,
Karen

Dear ATM That Says My Account Does Not Have Sufficient Funds To Complete The Transaction,

What buttons do I need to push to get you to put out, baby?

Love,
Johannah

Dear Woman at WalMart Who Carded Me When My Little Brother Was Buying Airsoft Gun Pellets Because I Apparently Don't Even Pass for 16,

Ouch.

Love,
22 year old Sophie

Dear 3 Year Old Nephew Who I Watched Cry After Eating The Spicy Salsa At US Border Cantina,

The sooner you start listening to me, the happier we'll all be.

Love,
Michael

Dear Musicians,

Why do I always fall for you...and how do I make it stop?

Love,
JC

Dear Kindergarten Girlfriend,

It is mildly inappropriate that after 17 years you Facebook messaged me to say that I'm hot and that "we should get together." It's over. Deal with it.

Love,
Drew

Dear Unsorted Mail Blog,

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there, if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, yeah I - I wanna be on you.

Love,
Ron Burgundy

Dear Overflowing Office Toilet,

Thank you for helping me make a lasting impression on my 3rd day of work.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Unborn Child In Me That Is Past Her Due Date,

This is your eviction notice. You have 24 hours to get out.

Love,
Sandra

Dear Steven,

I agree with your letter regarding Subway. Am I the only one who thought "mr. Big Hot Pastrami" sounded a little dirty?

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Guy With A T-Shirt That Reads "Free Exams" And Has Two Hands Printed Over His Chest,

No, really. I know they're free, but I think I'm gonna pass.

Love,
Katie

Dear College Student Who I Was Encouraging And Motivating To Live Our His Dream Of Being A Motivational Speaker,

It was later that I realized how funny this was.

Love,
Katie

Dear Chris Lofton,

When are you going to stop beating around the bush and call me?

Love,
Shelby

Dear Parent Who Showed Up At 8:30 am For Our 3:45pm Parent Teacher Conference,

I'm starting to see where your son gets it from.

Love,
Lisa

Dear “Mr. Fresh Toasty” Construction Worker from that Subway Commercial,

Please let the "Sandwich Aritsts" at your local Subway know that under no circumstances should they leave their jobs as "Sandwich Artists" to become "Nickname Artists."

Love,
Steven

Dear Kim,

I found out you nickname is "Crazy Kim." You can stop emailing me now.

Love,
Steven

Dear Google Image Moderate Safe Search Feature,

Without you, everything blows (literally).

Love,
Casey

Dear Critics Who Keep Referring To "300" As A Guy's Movie,

Ummmmm I can think of about 300 incredibly in shape, sculpted, muscle-bound reasons why some girls might enjoy it too.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Jack Bauer,

Is that a keg in your pocket becuase I sure would love to tap that ass.

Love,
Erin

Dear Frat Boy On My Street The Morning Of St. Patrick's Day Shouting The "They Can Take Our Lives But Never Take Our Freedom" Braveheart Speech,

Wrong country, but bonus points for getting it word for word.

Love,
Michael

Dear Love Of My Life,

Thanks for ripping my heart out.
You saved me money on Valentines & Christmas.
Now I have a place to sleep.

Love,
Jack

Dear Bad Boys,

Why do I love you so much?

Love,
Morgan

Dear Marie,

We miss you.

Love,
Lauren & The Readers of UM

Dear Chipotle Burrito,

When I said I was going to regret eating you, it was becuase of your caloric content, but you totally showed me with that bout of food poisoning. Good one!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Realizing That I Am Still In Love With Her,

Okay, fine. Whatever. Let's do this.

Love,
Michael

Dear Bracket,

Bite me.

Love,
Ashley Elizabeth

Dear Britney Spears,

Thank you for making me feel prettier and less crazy than ever before. Well done.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Guy In The Company Bathroom Who Just Shouted For More Toilet Paper,

I'm sorry for suggesting that you should just shake it a little more.

Love,
Chandra

Dear American Idol Voters,

If Sanjaya makes it through one more week, you will be responsible for my suicide.

Love,
Casey

Dear Guy Riding A Bicycle That Is Taller Than My Tahoe Who Almost Caused Me To Wreck Because You Dare To Be Different,

What the hell?

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Taylor Hanson Celebrating The Big 2-4 On March 14th,

Happy MMMMBirthday!

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Ladies That Work At Nail Salons,

How about instead of paying you, I give YOU a mani/pedi.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Receptionist With Horribly Bad Teeth at the Dentist's Office,

How do you think that makes us feel?

Love,
Sophie

Dear 8am,

We need to work out another meeting location. The office just ins't working for me.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Mr. "I Have Pictures Of My Little Nieces On My Facebook Profile,

We all know you REALLY want to get married. Your desperation is obvious.

Love,
Thomas

Dear First Grader In My Class,

Remember when I asked you, "how long was George Washington president?" and you said, "200 inches!" Thank you. I still wake up laughing at night.

Love,
Liza

Dear Spring Weather,

I'll wear shorts, bright colored shirts, and flip flops every day, so there's no reason for you to go anywhere. Deal? Deal.

Love,
Michael

Dear Method Brand Wood-Wipes,

The fact that you make my hands smell like cake does not help me obey the "non edible" label.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Dyslexia,

I hatin' freak you.

Love,
Sophie

Dear Mr. Target Employee,

Yes, I was laughing at you becuase you are yelling at the cart pushing machine like it's your child. No I was not trying to hide my laughter.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Drunken Tourist On Broadway Who Wanted Us To Go Back To Your Hotel Room,

The fact that you said something about us not ending up in a meat locker the next morning didn't scare me at all.

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Daylight Savings Time,

No, I will NOT spring forward! That hour of sleep is MINE!

Love,
Emily

Dear TLC Special Entitled "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day,"

Thanks to you, I have no appetite.

Love,
Rachel

Dear Smoke Detector,

I know I'm a bad cook. Would you please stop rubbing it in.

Love,
Liza

Dear Mr. Colbert,

Thank you for giving my town its 15 minutes of fame.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Men At The Gym,

Watching ESPN while you workout does not make the elliptical machine macho.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Mississipian Co-Worker,

Just becuase you've been to Dallas, and I happen to be from Dallas, doesn't mean we always have to talk about Dallas.

Love,
Liza

Dear 35 Year Old Man Wearing A Gold Chain AND A Class Ring,

Are you kidding me?

Love,
Kurt

Dear NyQuil,

Thanks for the 13 hours of sleep I got last night...and the pool of drool next to me this morning.

Love,
Khaki

Dear Fear Of Flying,

Who invited you to come the day before my trip to NYC?

Love,
Michael

Dear Liver,

I'm sorry about Friday night. And Saturday night. It was just one of those weekends. I hope you understand.

Love,
Matt

Dear Justin,

Where has sexy been all this time?

Love,
Caris

Dear Tattoo Of A Butterfly On The Small Of My Back,

Will you fly away when I'm old and wrinkly?

Love,
Zoe

Dear Target Employees,

When a civilian comes into your store dressed in red and khaki, don't you get confused as to whether they are a coworker or not?

Love,
Caris

Dear Being Told By My Best Friend's 9 Year Old Sister That I Need To Get It Together,

What did you ever do with your life?

Love,
Michael

Dear Frequent Customer Card,

Next time I go to get a sandwich, please remember to come with me. Your population is multiplying like rabbits in my drawer.

Love,
Drew