Dear Tiger,

You're actually more of a cheetah, now that I think about it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Garden Ridge,

You sell Halloween costumes, Pringles and shower curtains, but no actual plants. Did everybody know this but me?

Love,
Marie

Dear Billy Currington,

If Katielamm were still working for your label, she wouldn't have let you get away with rhyming 'obituary' with 'millionairrey'.

Love,
Marie

Dear "Dance Your Ass Off",

Reality TV does have a breaking point. And no, I'm not making a fat joke.

Love,
Marie

Dear Job,

You are seriously taking up too real estate on my calendar.

Love,
Marie

Dear Ikea,

You were not meant to be done alone.

Love,
Marie

Dear Bacon Jam,

If you're wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Love,
Marie

Dear Taylor Kitsch,

When I casually made eye contact with you in Whole Foods, I was mentally wrestling to the floor and duct taping the mouth of my inner-twelve-year-old-screaming-I-LOVE-YOU-TIM-RIGGINS!-while-begging-for-an-autograph-self. You're welcome.

Love,
Marie

Dear The Salt Lick BBQ, Claiming To Be The Last Bit Of Texas Left In Austin,

1) You yourself are not located in Austin.
2) You've clearly never been to Deep Eddy Cabaret.

Love,
Marie

Dear DJ Who Played 'It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" at 8am This Morning,

Great point.

Love,
Marie

Dear TJ Maxx,

Why are you on Twitter?

Love,

Marie

Dear Tortilla Chips,

I can't thank you enough for providing me with a way to avoid pouring the salt shaker directly into my mouth in public.

Love,
Marie

Dear People Who Laughed At Me For Never Unpacking My Snowboard Bag Last Year,

Who's laughing now? I'm all packed.

Love,
Marie

Dear Ski Trip I Leave For TODAY(!),

As much as I pride myself on not being a needy person... I need you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Coffee Shop,

You're a chain. You know it. I know it. Now how about some better music?

Love,
David

Dear $85 Biodegradable Yoga Mat,

And all my $20 yoga mat promised to do was last.

Love,
Marie

Dear Graduate School Application,

Studying for the GRE? Essays? What do you think this is... SCHOOL?!?

Love,
Marie

Dear Incessant Sneezing/Nose Blowing,

If it weren't for you, I'd NEVER remember to take my allergy medicine! You're the best.

Love,
Marie

Dear New Year's Resolutions,

I'd rather not start out a new year setting myself up to fail, thankyouverymuch.

Love,
Marie

Dear Allergist I Will See Tomorrow,

It would be hilarious if you tell me I am actually just allergic to kleenex.

Love,
Marie

Dear People Everywhere,

Just because it inflates and is waterproof doesn't mean its a Christmas decoration.

Love,
Marie