December 31, 2007

Dear Tennessee Titans Making The Playoffs,

I love you so much it hurts sometimes.

Love,
Michael

Dear Sisters Who Got Me A Scale For Christmas,

I know, I know, I asked for one. But talk about killing the day...ugh.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Working 12 Hours A Day From Dec 17-28,

Thanks for giving me an excuse to not go home and have to deal with my family. But other than that, you suck!

Love,
Brian

December 25, 2007

Dear Loyal Readers,

Unfortunately Unsorted Mail/I will have limited internet access for the next few days, but keep those submissions coming and we'll do a crazy post-fest when we're up and running again.

Love,
Katie

December 23, 2007

Dear Holidays Is A Time For Family,

Have you met mine?

Love,
Miriam

Dear 30 Year Old Woman Entering A Mid-Life Crisis Who Danced On The Bar At Coyote Ugly Then Posted The Pictures On MySpace,

I'm really not sure which one is worse.

Love,
Your mortified sister

Dear Wertz,

A Christmas album next year, pretty please?

Love,
Angela

Dear Going Home For The Holidays,

All I want for Christmas is for you not to be so insanely busy.

Love,
Danielle

December 22, 2007

Dear Woman At Target Who Walked Into My Bathroom Stall Before I Had Gotten Out Because She Had To "Go Bad,"

WHOA! Seriously?! Way to pack a punch of annoying and inappropriate.

Love,
Katie

Dear Man in The Reno Airport,

You stripping off your full Carhart overalls did not make the security line go faster, but it sure did make it seem like Christmas came a little early this year.

Love,
Jackie

December 21, 2007

Dear Golden Girls,

1. Thank you for being in syndication.
2. Thank you for being so funny.
3. Thank you for giving me hope that I'll be funny when I'm old.

Love,
Melissa

Dear Spears Family,

Would you buy it if I said we didn't see this coming?

Love,
Michael

December 19, 2007

Dear Dirty Clothes,

Sorry for using all of my quarters in the slot machines. Better luck next time.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Staying Up Until 2am Assemblin CoWorkers' Christmas Presents,

I don't even like most of you.

"Love,"
Kristin

Dear Jamielynn Spears,

Wow. Christmas came early for celeb gossip addicts everywhere.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Jamielynn Spears,

Why are we the same age, yet you're pregnant and I'm stressed about homework?

Love,
Hannah

Dear Jamielynn Spears,

If you want to keep your child and keep it from trauma, don't let Britney babysit.

Love,
Erica

December 18, 2007

Dear Sleep,

I remember you fondly.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Bottle of Wine,

You should be more responsible and not let me drink all of you in the span of two hours. I hope you learned your lesson.

Love,
Michael

Dear Starbucks "Tall" Drinks,

You're really not fooling people. We know you're shrinking in size.

Love,
Katie

December 13, 2007

Dear Turing Off My Alarm Clock And Checking PerezHilton.com As I Roll Out Of Bed,

Priorities straight during final exam week? Check.

Love,
Katie

Dear Heart,

Ugh. I know. I know. But this time can we just skip straight to "over it?"

Love,
Leah

Dear Relationship Status on Facebook,

Thank you for saving me from a really awkward comment...and friend, tell me yourself next time.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Pager,

I think wearing you every day for work makes me a real grown-up or an old school drug dealer. Not sure which one yet.

Love,
Ann

Dear Room Without Windows That I Am Forced To Work In,

Aren't you breaking some sort of fire code? If not, you should be.

Love,
Beth

December 10, 2007

Dear 70 Degrees in December,

The contract we signed specifically states that the weather outside is supposed to be frightful, not delightful.

Love,
Michael

December 09, 2007

Dear World,

I had to share this with you.

Oh, and this too.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Told Me We Needed To Have a Ten Hour Phone Conversation By Friday Because So Much Has Happened,

You just took catching up to a whole new level. I don't think my ears can take it.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Spare Tire,

You don't look cool on a car, and you don't look cool on me. Please realize you are not welcome here.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Phrase "Don't Mess With Texas,"

You bet this Yankee from New York that just moved here is gonna mess with you. Big time. Oh wait, everyone here has guns and uses them freely...just kidding.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Chia Pet,

Who is still buying you?

Love,
Caitlin

December 07, 2007

Dear Future Husband,

I can explain...

Love,
Christine

December 06, 2007

Dear Friend Who Uses Cliches Constantly,

When in Rome...

Love,
Miriam

Dear Last & Most Important Paper of the Semester,

You have no idea how many times failing seemed like a better option than writing you.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Winter,

You're stopping by southern California this year right?
Make up your mind.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Girl Who Looked at Herself 4 Times While Walking by the the Reflective Window in the Cafeteria,

What's more embarrassing? Not looking at absolutely perfect for an hour or the fact that you are working so hard to look absolutely perfect...in the cafe?

Tough call, I know.

Love,
Leah

December 04, 2007

Dear 19 Year Old Bagel Boy That Winked At me,

Awh! How cute. You're the same age as my baby brother.

Love,
Crystal

Dear Friend Who Keeps Saying How Pretty I Am,

So, is that supposed to make up for the 21 years of singleness? Because it certainly doesn't explain it.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Coiner of the Phrase, "There's More Fish In The Sea,"

I know...

but it's polluted.

Love,
Leah

December 03, 2007

Dear Half Gallon Of Ice Cream That I Finished In 5 Days,

Oh...it was only 4 days? Crap.

Love,
Katie

Dear Mini Fridge That Melted My Ben & Jerry's But Is Now Freezing My Diet Coke,

What the hell?

Love,
Casey

Dear D.L. Hughley,

How did you translate a career of being a kinda funny comedian into being a clueless social commentator? I am fascinated.

Love,
Michael

Dear 85 Degrees In December,

You also lead to seasonal depression...just in a different way.

Love,
Katie

December 02, 2007

Dear Red Wine,

And know you taste so fine.
(And you keep me rocking, all of the time...)

Love,
Alison

Dear Sleep,

It's been far too long since we've spent quality time together.

Love,
Melissa

November 30, 2007

Dear Switchfoot,

Remember when you used to, you know, be good? Let's go back to that, okay?

Love,
Jenny

Dear Hair,

Why do you always look your best when I don't have anywhere to do?

Love,
Megan

Dear Middle Finger,

Thank you for always sticking up for me.

Love,
Tulip

Dear Steph Compaining Abut Men Working Out In Cargo Shorts,

It's a gym, full of stink and sweat, not a fashion show catwalk.

Love,
Kendall

November 29, 2007

Dear Idaho,

Sorry for helping my elderly aunt renew her driver's license.

Love,
Heidi

Dear Tourist Traps in London,

Ya got me.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Grad School,

Funny how I came here for an education and instead gained a drinking habit and love handles.

Love,
Katie

Dear Nipples On Men,

Why am I repulsed by you?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Christian School,

Please give me back my soul.

Love,
Meg

Dear Men,

You look ridiculous when you work out in cargo shorts.

Love,
Steph

November 28, 2007

Dear Facebook Scrabble,

A-D-D-I-C-T-I-O-N

20 points!

Love,
Katie

Dear Oprah's Use of the Word "Shero",

...Really?

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Jackie,

My goldfish was named Matty. I miss him.

Love,
Jen

November 27, 2007

Dear Tennessee Titans,

Why are you so afraid of being loved? Stop losing when you know you can win.

Love,
Michael

Dear Mid-Life Crisis,

You're not supposed to show up for another 20 years. Please go away.

Love,
Melissa

November 26, 2007

Dear Cheap Wine, Ice Cream, Bear Grylls, & I Love New York 2,

You're the best Monday night date a girl could ask for.

Love,
Katie

Dear Goldfish That Was Not Mine,

I am really really sorry that I killed you. I didn't even know your name.

Love,
Jackie

November 25, 2007

Dear Untouched Homework,

I'm really bad at this, aren't I?

Love,
Katie

Dear Untouched Workout Clothes In My Suitcase At The End Of My Trip,

Whoops. My bad.

Love,
Katie

Dear Grandma,

I know you hate my hair. There's really no need to remind me of this fact every single time you see me. I think I get the point.

Love,
Jen

November 22, 2007

Dear Black Friday,

You would be 1000 times more fun if I actually had money.

Love,
Katie

Dear Wynonna,

Lip syncing does not involve talking to people in the crowd instead of mouthing lyrics.

Love,
Katie

Dear Squeaky Brakes,

How long do I have before you stop working?

Love,
Steph

November 21, 2007

Dear Dropping My MacBook Off At The Apple Store For Repairs,

Why do I feel helpless and alone, and why can't I stop eating?

Love,
Katie

Dear Mr. Jack Daniels,

You make Thanksgiving bearable. Well, you and football.

Love,
Joanna

November 20, 2007

Dear Mom,

The dog is not demon-possessed. Just drop it.

Love,
Crystal

Dear Crappy College Mattress,

Thanks for making my good and firm home mattress which I happily slept on for 6 years feel like a slab of rock.

Love,
Phoebe

November 19, 2007

Dear Brad the Bachelor,

Seriously?

Love,
Katie

Dear Local Austin News,

Highs of 60 do not demand a heavy winter coat.

Love,
Katie

November 18, 2007

Dear Me,

Can you please stop being the "girl he dated right before he met the one he would marry"? It's getting old.

Love,
A

Dear Boss,

If you could please stop masking your desire to control every aspect of my life with an obvious fake care and concern for me, that would really be great. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah P.

November 15, 2007

Dear Guy in the Next Car,

Your windows aren't even tinted. In fact you had your clear window rolled down halfway. Please wait until you get home before picking your nose.

Love,
Suzel

Dear Brother's Fiance,

He's my best friend and you're stealing him from me. So give me some time to adjust, ok? I do love you thought.

Love,
Michael

November 14, 2007

Dear Accounting Class,

Might as well just call you "Check Perez Hilton 101".

Love,
Katie

Dear Project Runway,

Thank you.

Love,
Katie

Dear WGA Writer's Strike,

Because of you I imagine people leaving their couches for sunshine and playing with children in the park, and laughing over jokes they tell each other over a TV-less meal. OR just their brains getting smaller with low-grade reality TV series.

Love,
Kendall

Dear 10:15am,

Shut up! I'll eat lunch with you whenever I want.

Love,
Sophie

November 13, 2007

Dear Girl in the Library,

I didn't drop my pencil. I threw it at you because the sign right above your head says no talking.

Love,
Tim

P.S. It's probably not a good idea to talk about your unusually heavy menstrual cycle on your cell phone in a crowded, quiet room with good acoustics.

November 12, 2007

Dear Fighting Illini,

A win over the Buckeyes was the perfect birthday present. Thanks!

Love,
Jackie

November 11, 2007

Dear Tease of a Girlfriend,

Without romance or any sexual contact, aren't we just buddies without benefits? The bell tolls for thee.

Love,
Jacob

Dear Fighting Illini,

F*&@ you!

Love,
The Entire Buckeye Nation

November 10, 2007

Dear ACL Knee Surgery,

Ya, you suck and are going to cause me lost of pain and inconvenience, but how sweet is it that I'll have a dead guy's knee?

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Soy Egg Nog,

Yum x infinity = you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Scheduled a Hang Out Time With Me, Then Cancelled, Then Rescheduled, Then "Only Had Ten Minutes,

Next time let's do that whole thing online.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Ben & Jerry's Pistachio Ice Cream,

I bought you because you were the only flavor at the ghetto convenience store, but I finished you in one sitting because you were goo-ood!

Love,
Jen-nay

Dear Encore Presentation of Planet Earth on the Discovery Channel,

You're not a bad reason to stay in on a Friday night.

Love,
Katie

November 08, 2007

Dear Hangover,

No need for another introduction. We've met before.

Love,
JP

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,

When you said you needed space to "figure things out" and didn't want to ever talk to me again, I figured you meant you would actually stop texting me randomly during class and actually calling me at odd hours of the night.

Love,
Gary

Dear New Zealand Super Markets That Sell Fireworks Along Side Groceries,

THAT IS SO COOL and, yet a bad, bad idea!

Love,
Kendall

Dear Models On America's Next Top Model,

It's so weird how the extent of your shallowness makes it possible for me to eat fattening food each week while watching you and really not feel bad about myself at all. Thanks for that!

Love,
Jen

Dear Homecoming,

Thank you for reminding me why I graduated from college and moved away.

Love,
Danielle

November 07, 2007

Dear Ex-Boyfriend's Fiance,

Yup, I was totally avoiding you while I was in town. And I'm only somewhat ashamed that you are too dull to figure that out. The rest of me is spitefully delighted.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Gossip Girl,

I would go on a passionate diatribe about how you're not as good as season one of the O.C. or 99% of the Gilmore Girls series, but then I'd realize that I'm a guy.

Love,
Michael

Dear 60 Year Old Man At Work Who Gave Me A Heart-To-Heart About Not "Dying Alone,"

Wow. I hadn't really thought about that until you pointed it out. Thanks for the heads up.

Love,
Ann

Dear Ronnie Dunn,

Aren't you like 90 by now?

Love,
Katie

Dear Unsorted Mail,

If only I was funny and smart enough to find a way to make a living off of you.

Love,
Katie

November 06, 2007

Dear Dark-Eyed Emo Rock Band Members Who I Played Scrabble With Until 5am Last Week,

b
a-t
c-o-m-e
kiiiie

Love,
Johannah

Dear Broccoli and Cheese and Cheap Wine,

Ya...it's official. I'm in college again.

Love,
Katie

Dear Man in the Car Next to Me who Smiled and then Nodded Approvingly at Me,

I need to confess that my phone did not really ring, I was just pretending to talk on it in order to make our special moment stop as soon as possible. Sorry for being so deceptive.

Love,
Jen

Dear Room,

Clean yourself and you can have all the spare change you can find.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Greyhound Bus Lines,

Thanks for a really great day. Nothing says "fun" like an overcrowded bus, breaking down in the middle of eastern Oregon, and a seat partner who only came back to his seat to hide his weed when the cops showed up to rescue us. You know what I also really liked? That time, after we got onto a new bus, when you forced half of us off, and left us stranded in Stanfield for four hours. I really enjoyed that truck stop, especially the Pilot convenience store. I was also really happy when I missed all my Monday classes. Thanks Greyhound!

Love,
Casey

November 05, 2007

Dear Guy At The Swim Test Today,

No, I can't pass you just because you're black. Thanks for asking.

Love,
Greg

Dear Guy Who Saw Me Crash My Bike Into A Hedge,

I'd rather die alone than have you awkwardly save me. Ride away next time.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Future Husband,

Remember how we were planning to meet...I'm still waiting.

Love,
Jackie

Dear Hayden Panettiere,

Why is your face always so shiny?

Love,
Matte

November 01, 2007

Dear "Missed Connections" Section of Craigslist,

I check you everyday, secretly hoping that I've caught someone's eye and they've written about me.

Love,
Jen

Dear LSU Fans Who Smell Like Corndogs,

When visiting Tuscaloosa this weekend please do us all a favor and pack the speed stick. It's not expensive. Also, if you want Nutria jerky you are going to have to bring it yourself.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Simply Naked Pita Chips,

I could not make it through the work day without you. Only you prevent me from ripping off my coworker's head when she announces what day it is every morning upon entering the office.

Love,
Marty

October 31, 2007

Dear Babe-alicious Italian Woman on the Food Network,

Get out of my dreams and into my car.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Man Who Never Loved Me,

I feel kinda bad being happy that you're fat now.

Love,
Elizabeth

Dear I Love New York 2,

It's a shame I didn't discover you sooner.

Love,
Katie

October 29, 2007

Dear Walgreens,

I really love working at the front register. Thanks to my employee discount and 2 for 1 deals on large bags of Halloween candy, I'm never really hungry or tired on the job!

Does the health insurance plan cover cavities, diabetes, and obesity related health issues?

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Ace of Base,

Thank you for reuniting. Apparently you opened up your eyes and saw the sign.

Love,
JC on behalf of her funny friend Andy

Dear Wal-Mart Cake Decorator,

When our office supervisor calls in a request for a cake to say,

"Best Wishes, Suzanne!" and underneath that write, "We will miss you!"

and then, when instead on the cake you write,

"Best Wishes Suzanne
Under Neat that
We will Miss you"

Could you not have at least spelled "underneath" correctly?

By the way, it was quite a delicious marble swirl.

Love,
Beth

October 24, 2007

Dear Dejected Co-Workers Who Direct Their Animosity At Me Because The Other Girl Got Canned,

Your grief would be more believable if you were not so quick to appropriate her office equipment.

Love,
Kelly

October 23, 2007

Dear Little Girl Infront Of Me At Church,

How cute are you that you wrote on your mini Etch-a-Sketch "Win will it git over?" and then passed it to your mom. I was thinking the same thing.

Love,
Heidi

Dear Carpet Cleaner,

Why did I buy you when I only have hardwood floors?

Love,
Christy

Dear Life,

I'd like time for facebook back please.

Love,
Danielle

October 21, 2007

Dear Vandy,

WOOOO HOOOO!

Love,
Katie and Marie

Dear Gentleman With Highlights In His Mullet,

Thank you; that's all.

Love,
Michael

Dear Turning 30,

I think I am going to skip you and go straight to 31. It seems less traumatic.

Love,
Jen

Dear 2 1/2 Year Old Son Who Said, "There Must Be A Cricket On My Butt" After Passing Gas,

I think if there was a cricket on your butt, he'd be dead by now.

Love,
Dad

Dear Putting Whole Coffee Beans Into The Coffee Filter This Morning,

I had a feeling it was that bad.

Love,
Katie

October 19, 2007

Dear Mom,

Remember when you accidentally signed my birthday card, "Love, Laurie"?

That was the best.

Love,
Jenny

Dear Facebook,

I would like my life back.

Love,
Bret

Dear Birthday,

I think it's time we break up. This getting older thing is not working out.

Love,
Angela

October 17, 2007

Dear Anonymous Summer Sublessor,

The dishes we broke were not family heirlooms. They do not cost $12. They said IKEA on the bottom.

Love,
Bite me.

Dear MySpace,

More like MySpam.

Love,
Katie

Dear Marketing Midterm,

Is it possible to get a G?

Love,
Katie

Dear Halloween Party We're Planning,

You will not have a tub of orange tinted gin & tonic for apple bobbing. I'm still trying to get the pink stain out of my couch from the Valentine's Day party 9 months ago. Well, not actively trying...

Love,
Jen-nay

Dear Celebrity Gossip Magazines,

I must be constipated because I don't give a crap.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Adam,

I think it's time to wrap up the Avril Lavigne phase. It's embarrassing enough that people think it's mine. I don't have the heart to tell them that it's my boyfriend's copy of The Best Damn Thing.

Love,
Kristin

Dear High Natural Gas Prices That Keep Me From Turning The Heat On In The Morning,

I'll be cold til November, I'll be cold til November.

Love,
Stephen

October 16, 2007

Dear One Large Disgusting Lump That Just Poured Out Of The Non-Dairy Creamer Carton Into My Mug,

Actually, I don't really want any coffee today.
Or maybe ever.

Love,
Sophie

October 15, 2007

Dear "Gaki Brown" Dress I Was Considering Buying Online,

The gaki part just changed my mind.

Love,
Katie

October 14, 2007

Dear Cowlick,

Thanks for ruining my chances of ever having sweet emo bangs.

Love,
Katie

Dear Kanye West,

Next time you have an after party starting at 11pm with tickets costing $35, maybe you should show up before 3am.

But thanks for the shitty fashion show and $50 bar tab.

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Whitney On "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?,"

Vowel is not spelled v-o-u-l. I think you're on the wrong show. "Beauty and the Geek" is on the CW.

Love,
JC

Dear Waking Up In Time To Go To Class,

It's been a long time.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Being Sad About The Smoking Ban In Tennessee Even Though I Quit Smoking Long Before It Tooke Effect,

It kind of feels the same as finding out your ex is engaged.

Love,
Michael

Dear Jim Signing Meredith's Cast On The Office,

Unnecessary.

Love,
Stephen

October 13, 2007

Dear Vandy,

Will you ever stop breaking my heart?

Love,
Katie

Dear Shopping Online During A Midterm Review Session,

It's official. I have a problem.

Love,
Katie

October 12, 2007

Dear Only Other Person On The Metro Bus With Me Who Just Farted,

You're hopes of playing that off are non existent.

Love,
Katie

Dear Midterns, Depressing Songs, and Waterproof Mascara,

You were made for each other...and me.

Love,
Katie

Dear Library,

Why is it that every time I walk in your doors I suddenly feel ill and want to fall asleep?

Love,
Erica

Dear Unsorted Mail,

You are the first thing I want to see when I wake up AND the last thing I want to see before I go to sleep. Can we be more than just friends?

Love,
Jade

Dear $100 Bill I Had From Selling Something Off Craigslist,

You made me feel more amazing than ever...until I used you at the grocery store and 3 cashiers had to check and make sure you were real.

Love,
Katie

October 11, 2007

Dear NCAA Top 10...Again,

Boston College, South Florida...seriously? Just pick 10 and keep em. You're more indecisive than my high school girlfriend.

Love,
Chin

Dear Unsorted Mail,

You have so improved the quality and the quantity of your content, unlike ABC, NBC, and CBS.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Friend Who Steals My Quotes And Submits Them To Unsorted Mail,

At least get them right.

Love,
Bret

Dear Friend Who Showed Up At A Wine & Cheese Party With A Box Of Wine and Sierra Mist To Mix With It,

Unclassy has just been redefined.

Love,
Katie

October 10, 2007

Dear Matt Wrong,

Can you please not be fictional so that I can make my friend a t-shirt that says, "AHH! I'm marrying Mr. Wrong!"

Love,
Jackie

Dear Cafeteria "Pizza,"

I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit to calling you that.

Love,
Jillian

Dear Girl Who Volunteers At Youth Group With Me,

Fine...I am now looking for a loophole in the "No Dating Policy."

Love,
Michael

Dear Delusional Friend Who Believes She Is Shrinking,

You have an amazing way of making paranoia cute. Keep reaching for the stars.

Love,
Jackie

Dear Imaginary Husband That I Have Named Matt,

When are you going to become a reality?

Love,
Jen

Dear Gmail,

Are the ads that pop up on the side while I write emails supposed to reflect what I'm writing about? I had no idea I was so creepy.

Love,
Miriam

October 09, 2007

Dear Pee Shivers,

You crack me up.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Laptop,

If you'd stop shutting off, I'd stop shaking you.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Customers At The Starbucks I Work At,

You should probably consider the fact that I control what you are about to put in your mouth before you get sassy with me.

Love,
Morgan

October 08, 2007

Dear Sleep,

I thought we were close enough so that you could stay the night.

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear First Child That I Do Not Have and Do Not Expect To Have Any Time Soon,

You will be relieved to know that you now have a name.

Love,
Miriam

October 07, 2007

Dear Jeans,

Why do I have two pairs of you with a rip just underneath my right butt check? Is there something you aren't telling me?

Love,
Jackie

Dear NCAA Top 10,

You guys are there for a reason, because you win. Please start doing it. See you next Saturday.

Love,
Chin

October 06, 2007

Dear Thursday Night Street Fair,

Hmm...as much as I could use a vinyl record ashtray or a t-shirt that says "F**k Cancer" I think I'll stay home to watch Grey's next time.

Love,
Katie

Dear Days,

Why are you so much better when I don't start you until after noon?

Love,
Miriam

Dear Texas,

Hook 'em!...Please...

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Confessed to Constantly Daydreaming About Stealing Something From a Musuem,

Uh, don't worry. This changes nothing.

Love,
Jane

October 05, 2007

Dear ABC,

Do any of your non reality TV shows have any other plot besides old men making sex jokes and scantily clad women?

Love,
Aaron

Dear Getting Overly Excited That I Am Friends With A Famous Person Via MySpace,

Aren't I a little too old to feel like a teenybopper?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Sister Who Went to the Mall and Stood Around in Dark Clothes and Pretended to Be Taking Orders From an Earpiece,

These FBI dreams have finally gone too far.

Love,
Hannah

Dear Life,

Sorry about trading your for the Job.

Love,
Jen

Dear Man Who Asked the Thrift Store Employee What the Difference Is Between Men and Women's Jeans Over and Over and Over,

Thank you for letting me hear that employee say "the shape of the crotch" five times.

Love,
Nate

October 03, 2007

Dear Former Boss's Boss Born in 1960 Who Just Friended Me On Facebook,

Accept?

Love,
Katie

Dear Seasons 1 & 2 Of Prison Break,

My grades are your fault.

Love,
Gerald

Dear Person Who Told Me, "Get Over Yourself,"

So would you like to be the pot or the kettle today?

Love,
Becky

Dear 8am Class,

It's not you...it's me.I think it's about time we started seeing other people.

Love,
Matt

October 02, 2007

Dear Washer/Dryer,

Please stop altering my clothes.

Love,
Steph

Dear Las Vegas,

Please don't hurt me.

Love,
Carla

Dear Fire Truck That Screams Down My Street At 3 AM,

The city may be asleep, but thanks to you I'm not.

Love,
Kendall

October 01, 2007

Dear Percocet,

I love you.

Love,
Bret

Dear Co-Worker That I Don't Know Who Walked By My Cubicle RIght As I Passed Gas,

You should be the one sending a letter to Unsorted Mail, not me!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Technician @ The Radiology Clinic This Morning,

If MRI's are so safe, why do you have to leave the room before you turn the machine on?

Love,
Michael

Dear Astroturf Koozie,

You were by far the best part of this past weekend.

Love,
Katie

September 30, 2007

Dear Block of Sharp Cheddar and Pretzels,

We are making a Sunday afternoon tradition. That was glorious.

Love,
Phoebe

September 29, 2007

Dear iTunes Free TV Shows,

Thank you for making the workouts less painful.

Love,
Carrie

Dear 6 Year Old Girl I'm Nannying,

Is it really necessary to carry around your Barbies in a Coach bag? Thank you for making me realize that I am poorer than you.

Love,
Carrie

Dear Mexico,

Please send some people to England. There are no taco stands and the salsa tastes Italian. The market is wide open.

Love,
Miriam

September 27, 2007

Dear Random People Who Keep Wanting To See Me Before I Leave For Europe,

If we never want to see each other normally, the fact that I'm going on the trip changes nothing.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Online Class,

How did I get a low score in attendance this week? I was online alot; checking facebook, myspace, I even watched some youtube videos and wikipediaed some stuff. I was there. I just got lost and couldn't find the classroom.

Love,
Chin

Dear English Person,

I am sorry for referring to you as British. I had no idea.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Job Fair Interviewer,

You just glanced at my resume and asked me 5 questions. Now, you're offering me the job? Can you say, "red flag?"

Love,
Steph

Dear British Food,

Thank you for being better than every diet I've tried.

Love,
Miriam

September 26, 2007

Dear Masters Degree,

You are just an excuse for me to not have to be grown up quite yet. Just thought you should know.

Love,
Beth

Dear Guy Who Talked To Me On Google Chat For 2 Hours Last Night,

Will you just ask me out already?!

Love,
Kendra

Dear Girl Who Continues To Repeat The Story Of How Someone Thought My Date To The Wedding Was HER Husband,

Junior high called. It wants its drama back.

Love,
Sandra

September 25, 2007

Dear Wednesday,

Oh s**t, it's only Tuesday.

Love,
Katie

Dear Fiber,

As much as I love what you do to my body, do we really need those embarrassing side effects?

Love,
K.P.

September 24, 2007

Dear Roommate With Money,

Our fridge is looking empty.

Love,
Lottie

Dear 55 Year Old Male Co-Worker Who Drinks D,iet Rockstar Religiously,

Perhaps you have mistaken yourself for a 20 year old sorority girl?

Love,
J

September 23, 2007

Dear Not Showering And Spending A Weekend Studying,

I feel like a video game freak who hasn't left the house in 2 days...oh wait...that's almost true.

Love,
Katie

Dear Economics Professor,

Thank you for asking us to define the meaning of life on our take home exam. You are my Oprah.

Love,
Katie

Dear Microsoft Word,

Seriously, how old are you? Picking up "blog" as an unknown word in spell check...

Love,
Katie

Dear Menstrual Cycle,

Writing emotional emails to boys at 2am is a bad idea. If you could keep that in mind, that'd be great.

Love,
Crystal

Dear Ms. "I Know How To Do Math Because I Am An Accountant,"

You are confusing your child when you tell them that 30+50=100. Thankfully you didn't prepare my taxes.

Love,
Your child's teacher

Dear Mouth,

Why do you always say the wrong things at the right times?

Love,
Carla

September 21, 2007

Dear Spammers,

To answer your question: I am a female, therefore, I do not need a larger penis, but thanks for asking.

Love,
Danica

Dear Verizon Wireless,

What about the phrase "good customer service" confuses you?

Love,
Diana

Dear Principal At My Daughter's School Who Told Me To Slow Down In The Drop Off Circle,

Huh, strange. I thought when you frantically waived your arm in a forward motion it meant to speed up.

Love,
Alaina's mom

September 20, 2007

Dear MSNBC,

Here's an idea: spend one day not reporting on Britney Spears.

Love,
Katie

Dear Being Told By My Boss Of Just Two Weeks That It's My Fault He's 6 Months Late Paying His Bills,

Does saying it out loud not make you realize how absurd you are?

Love,
Michael

Dear Delilah,

Hey there! Call that dude so he'll shut the hell up.

Love,
Casey

Dear Promotion,

Yes, the money is nice and the new responsibilities are great, but is it wrong that I am most excited about the fact that my boss is moving down the hall and I am getting his office?

Love,
Jenniac

September 18, 2007

Dear Bathroom Scale,

You lie.

Right?

Love,
Dixie

Dear People Who Can't Laugh At Themselves,

I've decided not to be friends with you anymore. I hope you understand.

Love,
Jackie

Dear Boss,

Are you really paying me $5 an hour to be your therapist? Let me know when you, a grown man, are ready to not be a junior high girl.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Girl In The Single Bathroom Who Told Me To "Knock First" After Our Awkward Encounter,

If you actually close the door all the way, it helps send a message that someone may be in there. Locking it would be your best option.

Love,
Angela

September 16, 2007

Dear 2 1/2 Year Old Son,

Thank you for informing me that you are a "BIG BOY" and that you have a big penis while your grandmother was in the room.

Love,
Mom

Dear Facebook Birthday Reminders,

Thanks for taking all the work out of needing to care. It's because of you that in friendships I'm now a viking!

Love,
Kendall

Dear Globalization,

Could you please stop doing whatever it is that you are doing? My professors are developing an unhealthy relationship with you and are talking about you non-stop.

Love,
Heidi

Dear Woman At The Stoplight Crosswalk Who Holds Out Her Hand Motioning Me To Stop The ENTIRE Time She's Walking In The Crosswalk,

I'm at a FREAKING RED STOPLIGHT!!! Holding out your hand to me only makes me want to gun my engine and scare you.

Love,
Jade

Dear Husband Who Spends Too Much Cash On Booze,

Hey, even I like to drink...but if it's groceries and paying our bills over another six pack or a pint of whiskey, get a clue. You're 53 years old. Grow up.

Love,
Your Better Half

September 12, 2007

Dear Professor Who Spent Over 30 Minutes Teaching a Graduate Class Hand Motions So That We Would Remember 8 Simple Words for an Upcoming Quiz,

When did I start going to graduate school for preschoolers?

Love,
Jen

Dear Child With A Fever Who Spit Grape Tylenol In My Face Last Night Because It's "Nasty",

You're in the hospital because you drank lighter fluid. Are you kidding me?!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Woman Who Works In The First Cubicle By The Door,

Please stop looking me up and down when I walk in in the morning. It's creepy.

Love,
Char

Dear Creepy Neighbor Who Is Always Standing Outside Smoking When I Walk Past and Always Wants To Talk -- Always;

Don't you have a job? Or something?

Love,
Sophie

September 11, 2007

Dear 3 Rockstarts Starting at 11:30pm,

It's not 4:20am and there's no end in sight.

Love,
Chin

Dear Recommended 6 Glasses Of Water A Day,

Thanks for making me pee every hour.

Love,
Libbie

Dear Phoebe,

Congratulations for getting on Unsorted Mail. Your coolness potential has truly been realized.

Love,
Alison

September 10, 2007

Dear Guy Who Was Falling Off His Bike and Caught Himself By Accidentally Punching in a Classroom Window,

Thanks for livening up Intro to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam

Love,
Phoebe

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I'm glad that hiatus is over and you're back for another season. The re-runs were boring.

Love,
Becky

Dear Chacos,

Must you make my feel smell like death? A little help would be appreciated.

Love,
Libbie

Dear iPod Shuffle,

A sermon to Shiny Toy Guns? You're always so full of surprises.

Love,
Katie

Dear MTV VMA's,

What the hell was that mess all about? I would like those 2 hours of my life back ASAP.

Love,
Jenniac

September 09, 2007

Dear Metro Bus System,

You=My new Unsorted Mail muse.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Who Took His Shirt Off As He Got Onto The Metro Bus,

Again, I'm confused.

Love,
Katie

Dear Woman On The Bus Wearing Pantyhose and Exposed Bra Straps,

Interesting choice. It's like they cancel each other out.

Love,
Katie

Dear Face (Especially Chin & Forehead),

While I truly appreciate the fact that you were great during high school, this does not excuse your current behavior. When the dermatologist's aide said that she had never seen anything like this, I knew you had officially gone too far.

You have two weeks.

Love,
Ashley B.

September 08, 2007

Dear MySpace,

I caved. Belonging to 6 Facebook networks just wasn't cutting it.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Boss,

Sometimes you make homelessness an appealing option.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Ambien,

You're hired.

Love,
Marty

September 06, 2007

Dear Co-Worker Who Irritates Me,

1. Your voice does carry through the phone w/o an increase in volume.

2. While on speaker phone, please do remember to hang up the phone after you leave a voicemail, you won’t look & sound like such an idiot when the voicemail asks whether you wish to delete or repeat you message.

3. Please stop calling me your ‘Partner’ when speaking to clients; you’re married, I have a girlfriend and we live in a P.C. world where ‘Partner’ can be seriously mis-construed,

4. Please eat then work instead of crunching away on your chips then proceeding to wipe the food matter on your mouse, keyboard and desktop.

5. You need to exercise and cauterize the blockage in your nasal cavity, I tire of listening to your heavy breathing.

Love,
Christian

Dear Arizona,

If by "dry heat" you mean scorching sun rays of death, then yes, we definitely do have a "dry heat."

Love,
Michelle

Dear Guy I Have Gone Out With A Few Times Who Is Everything I Wanted On Paper: Tall, Educated, Older, And Lives In My Town,

Why am I not attracted to you at all, yet it doesn't stop me from making out with you?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Husband,

Buying tickets to a football game because you didn't realize that our anniversary fell on a Monday is the same as forgetting our anniversary.

Love,
Colette

September 04, 2007

Dear Shower Drain,

Remember that time when you just drained water and didn't erupt the excess salsa poured down the kitchen sink? Let's try that way again.

Love,
Michelle

Dear Shopping Cart With One Bad Wheel,

Why is doing the dance named in your honor more fun than actually being with you?

Love,
Patches

Dear Trainwrecks Everywhere,

Beware, Lindsay Lohan is ruining your good name.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Roommate,

When you suggested that putting Yoplait in the freezer is "kind of" like eating frozen yogurt, well friend you outdid yourself. And no, you will never live this one down.

Love,
Michelle

Dear Complete Memory Lapse Regarding My Diet When Mom Brought the Chocolate Cake Out After Dinner,

How convenient. Thank you.

Love,
Miriam

September 01, 2007

Dear 8am Accounting Class,

I think I'm allergic to you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Nose,

If you stop running, I promise to stop threatening you with plastic surgery.

Love,
ML

Dear Margaritas and Sangria,

Why don't you two kids mix together to form a glorious drink called a Swirl. Oh wait, those are already invented and I drank far too many of you this weekend. Thanks for the hangover, it was well worth it.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Sixth Year Of College,

It's been fun, but I think it's time that our relationship ended. I hope we can still be friends.

Love,
Brett

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Let me put this in an I Feel statement: When you stop posting new letters, I feel lost, scared, and alone. Sort of like a lost box of puppies.

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Jim Halpert, Sam from Top Chef, Bear Grylls, and Paul the Apostle,

Should you decide to combine into one dreamboat of a person, please call me. I am pretty sure we are meant for each other.

Love,
Ann

Dear Job that Included 2 Children Vomiting All Over the Place Tonight,

That was really disgusting, but still better than unemployment.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Unattractive Coworker,

Why am I attracted to you?

Love,
Anne

Dear People At Walmart Who Block Entire Aisles By Putting Their Shopping Cart Diagonally And Then Bending Over On The Other Side Looking At Something,

Thanks for always being in my way and annoying me. If you don't stop then I am just going to start ramming into you with my cart.

Love,
Amanda

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Seven books were not enough.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Blockbuster Online,

Kiss my @#&$!

Love,
Sophie

Dear Readers,

I won't make excuses, but...

Well, you see, Marie doesn't have a computer and I just started business school.

But I'm committed to getting this thing going again. Forget accounting, stats, econ, finance, and marketing...it's all about the Unsorted Mail, people!

Love,
Katie

July 19, 2007

Dear Graduate School Applications,

Why can't you just turn asexual and do yourself?

Love,
Dianna

Dear Fashion,

Sorry about today.

Love,
Lottie

Dear Beauty Mark Located Above My Lip,

You are going to be officially demoted to "mole" if you keep growing black hairs. No one thinks that is beautiful. Consider yourself warned.

Love,
Jackie

Dear Anyone Who Spells "Thanks" As "Thanx",

That stopped being clever 15 years ago.

Luv,
Jen

Dear 20 lbs. That I've Been Trying To Lose For 3 Months Now,

I don't deserve you, you should be with someone who will appreciate you. Like, for instance, Nicole Richie.

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Woman Sitting Right Next To Me And My Friends @ the Village Tavern Who Was Sticking Her Toungue In Her Boyfriend's Ear All Night,

I bet your dad is so proud of you.

Love,
Michael

Dear Guy Who Sold Me A FAKE Yellowcard CD At The Warped Tour,

I'm prepared to hunt you down until I find you and get my $5 back.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Interstate 40,

After spending 22 hours together, I think it's about time that we go our separate ways.

Love,
Jen

July 13, 2007

Dear High School Guy Who Was Dared To Propose To Me,

...awkward-fest 07.

Love,
Katie

Dear Anonymous Employee,

Thank you for making my morning special. I laughed and almost vomited when I say a peach pit sitting on top of the paper towels in the company bathroom trash can.

Laughed because....what is that little guy doing there?
Vomited because....who would actually devour a peach while performing a bathroom only activity. That requires a lot of hand-mouth coordination and at least a paper towel or two.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Decorative Fruit,

Why do you look so good but taste so bad?

Love,
Neely

Dear Guy I'm Seeing,

Do you think you could maybe wash your sheets so I don't wake up with black dog hair on my shirt, in my underwear, and in my mouth?

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Monday,

While the rest of the world takes vacations at least once a year, your seem to work far more than your share. I am NOT impressed.

Love,
Daniella

Dear God,

Please contact a plumber. The water system in Oklahoma has some major issues and we should be in "DROUGHT" season now, not "RAIN EVERY FREAKIN DAY" season.

Love,
Katie P.

Dear 28 Year Old Sister Living At Home And Hating Her Job,

Don't be mad at me becuase I went away to college, will move out after graduation, and love what I'm doing.

Love,
Lizbeth

July 06, 2007

Dear Vacation To My Family Reuinon,

Thanks. Now I need another vacation.

Love,
Daniella

Dear My First Crush,

You're about 10 years too late.

Love,
Anne

Dear Green Light That Went Green For Every Direction But Mine For 7 Minutes Until My Friend Finally Got Out And Pushed The Pedestrian Walk Light,

Nice.

Love,
Jen

Dear Toilet Seat Covers,

I'm still not quite sure how to use you.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Series Of Exclamation Points,

I'm sorry for abusing you so much the day that I got engaged. I hope you understand.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Tuberculosis Test,

Why are you the only thing that is positive in my life?

Love,
Ann

July 04, 2007

Dear Wedding Picture Facebook Girls,

Let's make a rule... when you're that excited about the next stage of your life, it's time to let the present stage collect some dust.

Love,
David

Dear Katie and Our Nations Independance,

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Marie

Dear Nonstick Pan,

YOU LIE!!

Love,
David

June 29, 2007

Dear Companies Who Won't Hire Me Because I Don't Have Enough Experience,

How am I supposed to "have experience" if you won't hire me to give me experience?

Love,
Crystal

June 25, 2007

Dear Handsome Single Guy Eating Alone In My Section Who Tipped Me Ridiculously Well Today During Lunch,

Thank you! I'm flattered! But next time you should leave your number too!

Love,
Joanna

Dear Brand New Mustache,

So at first it was a bad joke, but now I kind of like you. Can we work things out?

Love,
Michael

Dear Aunt And Uncle,

So you want me to stay at your house for a week? And you have an outdoor pool? And a hot tub? And you just gota brand new flat screen TV with surround sounds and On Demand? Let me check my schedule...I'm free!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Who Texted Me 8 Times And Called me 3 Times In One Day After 2 Years Of Not Talking,

What the ????

Love,
CJ

June 16, 2007

Dear People With Jobs,

How is that you have more time to submit letters to unsorted mail than I do?

Love,
Marie

Dear Sorority House I Currently Live In,

Never thought I'd be able to say that at age 24.

Love,
Marie

June 07, 2007

Dear Ex-girlfriend Who E-mailed Me To Warn Me That She Saw Pictures On Facebook Of My Little Cousin With A "Bad Boy",

I won't ask why you were looking at pictures of junior high kids on Facebook; I'd rather not know. But I do appreciate the concern of a girl who's past relationships include a crack addict and her best friend's boyfriend.

Love,
Michael

Dear Guy Who Is Perfect For Me,

Hey (hey), You (you), I don't like your girlfriend.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Strange Man Who Walked Into Our Studio, Sat In The Gallery, And Held A 15 Minute Conference Call On Your Cell Phone,

Get an office!

Love,
The Gals at Art Space on Main

Dear Bank Statement,

What do you mean I spend my entire two weeks pay on Starbucks?!?!?

Love,
Daniella

June 04, 2007

Dear Boy Who Told My Dad While "Helping" Me Move That He Had Lifted His Fair Share For The Day,

I wouldn't have even considered dating you before, but now I wouldn't let my friends date you either.

Love,
Lisa

June 03, 2007

June 01, 2007

Dear Kids Graduating High School Who Were Freshmen When I Was A Senior,

Thank you so much. I always wanted to feel old and that I wasted three years at the same time.

Love,
Michael

P.S. CONGRATULATION!

Dear Dallas TV Networks,

Under what criteria is the announcement that Superbowl 2011 will be hosted in Dallas worthy of a Special Report and therefore worthy of interrupting 45 minutes of my soap opera???

Love,
Amy

Dear Cab Driver In Vegas,

You're really creepy. Thanks for the card. I'll hang onto it so that when I see a news story about a cab driver kidnapping women, I'll be able to tip off the police.

Love,
Erin

Dear Interviewee,

Next time someone asks you how you deal with angry customers, don't reply, "I have a metal bat at home." Some don't find that funny. Some being me.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Mother,

The fact that you gave me a monogrammed beach bag for my 21st birthday, reading A.L.E. makes me wonder if you gave me the initials you did just for this purpose...If so, well played.

Love,
Alison Elizabeth L.

Dear Geek Squad Guy At Best Buy,

If you were trying to flirt with me, then mentioning that you have a computer just for your gaming and anime was not a good call.

Love,
Stacie

May 23, 2007

Dear Menstrual Cycle,

Well played...well played.

Love,
Debby

Dear House That Needs To Be Packed Up By June 2nd,

I know I was procrastinating for taking classes, celebrating finishing classes, looking for a new place to live, getting my nails done etc. and generally staring at the ceiling in avoidance but …can I get a rain check? American Idol is on tonight.

Love,
Lisa

May 22, 2007

Dear Bachelor,

There are no words to explain why you didn't pick the blonde in last night's episode.

Oh, except these: Tramp Stamp.

Love,
Jeremy

May 21, 2007

Dear What Not To Wear,

I could look good too if I had two personal shoppers, $5000 and a tailor. Please call me. I won't be offended.

Love,
Leslie

Dear Future Husband,

If it's not too inconvenient for you, could we please meet this summer?

Love,
Jackie

May 18, 2007

Dear Producers Of Greys Anatomy,

What are you doing to my heart? I don't know if I can make it all summer, but I love you too much to let go.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Parent Who Put Their Non-English Speaking Child In School 3 Weeks Before School Gets Out In A Grade That The Child Has Already Passed,

My babysitting rate it $1,000,000 an hour.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Buffet,

Vegetable lasagna is not lasagna. Call Stouffer's, I am sure they would agree.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Favorite Chocolate Brown Slacks,

Why must your zipper get stuck each and every time I have to pee?

Love,
Dixie

May 15, 2007

Dear Husband Who Has The Week Off And Is In Charge Of Cooking,

Frozen pizzas and fudgesicles don't count.

Love,
Sarah T.

May 14, 2007

Dear Manhood,

Last week I found out "Gilmore Gilrs" had been cancelled and it made me sad. When exactly did you leave me and why didn't you tell me?

Love,
Michael

Dear Walgreens Onling Store-Finding System,

I asked you for the closest location, and you gave me the 62 closest locations. Can you tell me where I cannot find a location?

Love,
Greg

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Who Said I Was Too Young For You,

Your new girlfriend who is a year younger than me doesn't do much to support your reason for dumping me.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Victoria's Secret Catalogues,

I'm not even a woman, and I feel fat when I thumb though you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Blockbuster,

Normally I'm annoyed by your 2-Day rental deadline, but for "Alpha Dog" you should have made it a 2-Hour deadline so I wouldn't have had the chance to watch it.

Love,
Greg

Dear Mom Who Suggested Buying Me Contacts For My Birthday Because I Can't Afford Them And Need New Ones Since The Old Ones Have Scratched My Eyeball,

Why don't you love me?

Love,
Rachel

May 10, 2007

Dear NBC's The Office,

Why, oh why, couldn't have I gotten hooked on you AFTER finals?

Love,
Joanna

May 09, 2007

Dear Old Asian Guy Who Said My Ponytail Was Cute,

Thanks....and we're walking faster...

Love,
Katie

Dear All Male Occupants of the Frat House Down The Street From My Apartment,

When I left for work the morning of Cinco de Mayo, you all looked very dapper in your bow ties and loafers while standing around in your front yard drinking. When I returned that afternoon, you looked equally impressive shirtless and still going strong on those kegs. I am sure any female presence would have ruined the entire experience.

Love,
Michael

Dear Laziness,

I think you've won. The jawbreaker for breakfast just put me over the edge.

Love,
Liza

Dear My Grad School Colleagues And Faculty,

High school called. They want their drama back.

Love,
Jenniac

May 02, 2007

Dear Four Year Old Cousin,

When you posed for pictures on Easter Sunday giving Grandpa a hug, you broke my cute-o-meter. I expect you to pay for a new one.

Love,
Michael

Dear Global Warming,

85 degrees in April...I'm still not completely sold.

Love,
Michael

Dear Over Attentive Mother We Housesat For,

Thank you for pointing out where the refigerator, microwave, dishwasher, sink, pantry, and every light switch was in your kitchen. I don't know how I would have made it through the weekend!

Love,
Liza

April 29, 2007

Dear Shirtless MySpace Men,

We know it's your brother.

Love,
Jeremiah

Dear Woman At The DMV Who Reminded Me Very Loudly That Lying About Any Information On The Renewal Form INCLUDING YOUR WEIGHT Is A Felony,

Thanks for the self esteem boost.

Love,
Betsy

Dear Mom,

...and how is you getting a boob job supposed to make me feel?

Love,
Michelle

Dear 250 Page Book That I Have To Read By Tomorrow,

If you were as entertaining to read as Unsorted Mail, I would have been finished with you already.

Love,
Beth

April 22, 2007

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

Why do I get dumber when I watch your movies?

Love,
Ann

Dear Sanjaya,

Who knew we'd actually miss you?

Love,
Morgan

Dear California,

Thank you for always providing toilet seat covers.

Could you please tell the other states to follow your example?

Love,
Jen

Dear Mother-In-Law,

Of course I don't mind if you stay another week.

Love,
Ryan

April 19, 2007

Dear Pubescent, Lanky And Pimply High Schooler @ EdgeFest in Frisco, TX 4/15,

Carrying around and flashing a small white dry erase board with "Show me your BOOBS!" written on it just proves how much game you don't have. Sadly, you never will if you've started resorting to these tactics, but I commend you on trying. Add alcohol in your later years and move to New Orleans and maybe, JUST maybe, you'll get your wish.

Love,
Christian

Dear Wife That I Heard Breaking Wind From The Other Room This Morning,

For some reason, the sound of a french horn seems funny to me now.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Lying To A Judge While Under Oath To Get Out Of Jury Duty,

Well, I'm going to hell and/or jail, but at least I won't miss my trip to LA!

Love,
Caitlin

April 18, 2007

Dear Kinda-Cute But Really Borderline Creepy Irish Man Who I Have Now Met Randomly Three Different Times In Three Different Irish Cities,

No, actually if I see you in Venice this weekend I will not call it "fate", I'll call it "scary stalking." But hey, thanks for the pint.

Love,
Johannah

Dear Steven,

Just becuase you are now a lawyer doesn't mean that you can convince me that if I like chocolate, and I like bread, then I should like brownies.

Love,
Sarah T.

April 17, 2007

Dear Large MAN Wearing Goucho Pants, Hooker Boots, A Jean Mini Skirt, And Girlie Polo Shirt At The Bus Stop,

Was it really necessary to top off the whole garb with feathery angel wings?

Love,
Joanna

Dear Ever So Delicate Plastic Grocery Sack That Broke,

Thanks for breaking and therefore making my job easier when you sent 350 pieces of paper stating, "Keep Mississippi Clean - Don't Litter" flying all over a huge parking lot. This not only gives a new meaning to the term "flyers", but it also makes me a hypocrite.

Love,
Kat

Dear Bouncer,

I am no longer thankful that you accepted my fake ID. Did you really think I was 23? Honestly.
At least get me some Advil.

Love,
Ashley

April 14, 2007

Dear Drunk Guy In The Maroon Hat And Blue Plaid Shirt,

Next time yuo try to hit on girls at a concert, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Only introduce yourself once.
2. Try to keep from tipping over (like a cow)
3. Sticking a beer bottle in a girl's face will not increase your chances of anything except continuing to be ignored.
4. If a girl is ignoring your advances, it's not going to help you at all to ask her why she hates you.
5. If at first you don't succeed, try again on a sober day.

Love,
Jen

Dear Jeans,

Really? Was it necessary to rip open when I bent over?

Love,
Jen

Dear McDonalds,

Somewhere between college and Supersize Me, I've grown embarassed that I like you so much.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dreamy Guy In A Porsche Convertible With A Steelers Hat On Backwards On I-5 In Seattle,

I love you. I want to have 10,000 of your babies.

Love,
Kathleen

Dear College Professor,

Thank you so much for assigning the 30 page, single-spaced, size 10 font paper right before my Spring Break. It makes my vacation all the more enjoyable.

Love,
Jon

April 07, 2007

Dear Readers,

In Canada until Thursday (sans computer). Please keep the submissions coming!

Love,
Katie & Unsorted Mail

Dear Family Reunion Attendees,

The single status is not a crisis, so you can call off the intervention.

Love,
Lisa

April 04, 2007

Dear Parent Who Wants Me To Keep Track Of Your Child's Intake And Outtake Of Fluids,

When they start paying me for being a nurse, social worker, counselor, scholar of all subjects and give me all the supplies I need for all of these things I do, I'll consider taking on another job as a human waste specialist.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Mom,

I appreciate you washing my bath mats becuase you assume I never have.

Love,
Sarah T.

Dear Cubicle Mate,

When you break out into a made up song that goes, "I am losing it," I think it becomes bery clear that you've already lost it.

Love,
Lola

April 03, 2007

Dear 15 Minutes Of Fame,

Why did you have to come in the form of a public access television interview about me being single?

Love,
Jackie

Dear Man Who Sat Next To Me On The Plane,

When you dropped your Xanax, asked me to get your imaginary book called "3 Ways To Avoid The FBI" and then spilled Coke all over me becuase you thought there were snakes on the plan, I thought three things:

1. Don't worry, I don't need an apology. I like walking aroudn during my layover with a wet butt.

2. Samuel L. Jackson will be hearing from me.

3. Please take your Xanax BEFORE you get on the plane. Passengers everywhere will be thankful.

Love,
Crockett

Dear New Yellow Shirt,

You were so much cuter before my In-N-Out burger.

Love,
Lola

Dear Female Co-Workers,

Just becuase you won the NCAA bracket by picking the cutest sounding teams does not make you a viable authority now on men's basketball.

Love,
Jon

Dear Boss Who Said That Good Friday Is A "Good Friday To Work,"

Not funny.

Love,
Anna

April 02, 2007

Dear Self,

When you first thought after hearing you're getting an $80/week raise is: "Great, that'll be my beer money AND my church money," you know your priorities are out of whack.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Youth Group Kids Flirting With Each Other At Lunch Today,

Oh puppy love...your lack of sublety is incredibly endearing.

Love,
Michael

Dear Cube Mate,

Yes, I did feel slightly pathetic when I realized that I had been talking to you for 30 seconds but you weren't there.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dad,

When you said you hadn't "heard a bunch of Japanese girls giggle in awhile," I understand that you were referring to our previous exchange students that lived with us, but it sure did sound creepy.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear JC,

When you figure out how to stop falling for musicians, copy me on that.

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Boss,

I know that you think you can pull off the leopard print pants and matching belt, but Farah Fawcett called and wants them back.

Love,
Jon

March 30, 2007

Dear Twin Sister Getting Married In Less Than A Month,

I can be foudn at the food and drink table if and when you need me. Please be sure it is well stocked with finger foods and tasty beverages...and by finger I mean can be eaten with just one hand and by tasty I mean alcoholic.

Love,
Taylor

Dear Mortgage Professor,

Thanks for informing us that if we "think" we will get the right answer. Helpful, real helpful.

Love,
Kelly

Dear Teenage Girls Who Compulsively Vote For Sanjaya,

Do you really want to be responsible for my death?

Love,
Jon

March 29, 2007

Dear Sore Throat And Cough,

Are popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies bad for you? Hope not.

Love,
Sophie

Dear Alabama Highway Patrol Man Who Pulled Me Over,

Thanks for pointing out that there are no roads in Alabama with a speed limit of 81.

Love,
Karen

March 28, 2007

Dear ATM That Says My Account Does Not Have Sufficient Funds To Complete The Transaction,

What buttons do I need to push to get you to put out, baby?

Love,
Johannah

Dear Woman at WalMart Who Carded Me When My Little Brother Was Buying Airsoft Gun Pellets Because I Apparently Don't Even Pass for 16,

Ouch.

Love,
22 year old Sophie

Dear 3 Year Old Nephew Who I Watched Cry After Eating The Spicy Salsa At US Border Cantina,

The sooner you start listening to me, the happier we'll all be.

Love,
Michael

Dear Musicians,

Why do I always fall for you...and how do I make it stop?

Love,
JC

March 27, 2007

Dear Kindergarten Girlfriend,

It is mildly inappropriate that after 17 years you Facebook messaged me to say that I'm hot and that "we should get together." It's over. Deal with it.

Love,
Drew

Dear Unsorted Mail Blog,

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there, if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, yeah I - I wanna be on you.

Love,
Ron Burgundy

Dear Overflowing Office Toilet,

Thank you for helping me make a lasting impression on my 3rd day of work.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Unborn Child In Me That Is Past Her Due Date,

This is your eviction notice. You have 24 hours to get out.

Love,
Sandra

Dear Steven,

I agree with your letter regarding Subway. Am I the only one who thought "mr. Big Hot Pastrami" sounded a little dirty?

Love,
Caitlin

March 26, 2007

Dear Guy With A T-Shirt That Reads "Free Exams" And Has Two Hands Printed Over His Chest,

No, really. I know they're free, but I think I'm gonna pass.

Love,
Katie

Dear College Student Who I Was Encouraging And Motivating To Live Our His Dream Of Being A Motivational Speaker,

It was later that I realized how funny this was.

Love,
Katie

Dear Chris Lofton,

When are you going to stop beating around the bush and call me?

Love,
Shelby

Dear Parent Who Showed Up At 8:30 am For Our 3:45pm Parent Teacher Conference,

I'm starting to see where your son gets it from.

Love,
Lisa

Dear “Mr. Fresh Toasty” Construction Worker from that Subway Commercial,

Please let the "Sandwich Aritsts" at your local Subway know that under no circumstances should they leave their jobs as "Sandwich Artists" to become "Nickname Artists."

Love,
Steven

March 22, 2007

Dear Kim,

I found out you nickname is "Crazy Kim." You can stop emailing me now.

Love,
Steven

Dear Google Image Moderate Safe Search Feature,

Without you, everything blows (literally).

Love,
Casey

Dear Critics Who Keep Referring To "300" As A Guy's Movie,

Ummmmm I can think of about 300 incredibly in shape, sculpted, muscle-bound reasons why some girls might enjoy it too.

Love,
Caitlin

March 21, 2007

Dear Jack Bauer,

Is that a keg in your pocket becuase I sure would love to tap that ass.

Love,
Erin

Dear Frat Boy On My Street The Morning Of St. Patrick's Day Shouting The "They Can Take Our Lives But Never Take Our Freedom" Braveheart Speech,

Wrong country, but bonus points for getting it word for word.

Love,
Michael

Dear Love Of My Life,

Thanks for ripping my heart out.
You saved me money on Valentines & Christmas.
Now I have a place to sleep.

Love,
Jack

Dear Bad Boys,

Why do I love you so much?

Love,
Morgan

Dear Marie,

We miss you.

Love,
Lauren & The Readers of UM

March 18, 2007

Dear Chipotle Burrito,

When I said I was going to regret eating you, it was becuase of your caloric content, but you totally showed me with that bout of food poisoning. Good one!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Realizing That I Am Still In Love With Her,

Okay, fine. Whatever. Let's do this.

Love,
Michael

Dear Bracket,

Bite me.

Love,
Ashley Elizabeth

Dear Britney Spears,

Thank you for making me feel prettier and less crazy than ever before. Well done.

Love,
Jenniac

March 16, 2007

Dear Guy In The Company Bathroom Who Just Shouted For More Toilet Paper,

I'm sorry for suggesting that you should just shake it a little more.

Love,
Chandra

Dear American Idol Voters,

If Sanjaya makes it through one more week, you will be responsible for my suicide.

Love,
Casey

Dear Guy Riding A Bicycle That Is Taller Than My Tahoe Who Almost Caused Me To Wreck Because You Dare To Be Different,

What the hell?

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Taylor Hanson Celebrating The Big 2-4 On March 14th,

Happy MMMMBirthday!

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Ladies That Work At Nail Salons,

How about instead of paying you, I give YOU a mani/pedi.

Love,
Jenniac

March 14, 2007

Dear Receptionist With Horribly Bad Teeth at the Dentist's Office,

How do you think that makes us feel?

Love,
Sophie

Dear 8am,

We need to work out another meeting location. The office just ins't working for me.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Mr. "I Have Pictures Of My Little Nieces On My Facebook Profile,

We all know you REALLY want to get married. Your desperation is obvious.

Love,
Thomas

March 13, 2007

Dear First Grader In My Class,

Remember when I asked you, "how long was George Washington president?" and you said, "200 inches!" Thank you. I still wake up laughing at night.

Love,
Liza

Dear Spring Weather,

I'll wear shorts, bright colored shirts, and flip flops every day, so there's no reason for you to go anywhere. Deal? Deal.

Love,
Michael

Dear Method Brand Wood-Wipes,

The fact that you make my hands smell like cake does not help me obey the "non edible" label.

Love,
Danielle

March 12, 2007

Dear Dyslexia,

I hatin' freak you.

Love,
Sophie

Dear Mr. Target Employee,

Yes, I was laughing at you becuase you are yelling at the cart pushing machine like it's your child. No I was not trying to hide my laughter.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Drunken Tourist On Broadway Who Wanted Us To Go Back To Your Hotel Room,

The fact that you said something about us not ending up in a meat locker the next morning didn't scare me at all.

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Daylight Savings Time,

No, I will NOT spring forward! That hour of sleep is MINE!

Love,
Emily

March 09, 2007

Dear TLC Special Entitled "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day,"

Thanks to you, I have no appetite.

Love,
Rachel

Dear Smoke Detector,

I know I'm a bad cook. Would you please stop rubbing it in.

Love,
Liza

Dear Mr. Colbert,

Thank you for giving my town its 15 minutes of fame.

Love,
Danielle

March 07, 2007

Dear Men At The Gym,

Watching ESPN while you workout does not make the elliptical machine macho.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Mississipian Co-Worker,

Just becuase you've been to Dallas, and I happen to be from Dallas, doesn't mean we always have to talk about Dallas.

Love,
Liza

Dear 35 Year Old Man Wearing A Gold Chain AND A Class Ring,

Are you kidding me?

Love,
Kurt

March 06, 2007

Dear NyQuil,

Thanks for the 13 hours of sleep I got last night...and the pool of drool next to me this morning.

Love,
Khaki

March 04, 2007

Dear Fear Of Flying,

Who invited you to come the day before my trip to NYC?

Love,
Michael

Dear Liver,

I'm sorry about Friday night. And Saturday night. It was just one of those weekends. I hope you understand.

Love,
Matt

Dear Justin,

Where has sexy been all this time?

Love,
Caris

Dear Tattoo Of A Butterfly On The Small Of My Back,

Will you fly away when I'm old and wrinkly?

Love,
Zoe

Dear Target Employees,

When a civilian comes into your store dressed in red and khaki, don't you get confused as to whether they are a coworker or not?

Love,
Caris

Dear Being Told By My Best Friend's 9 Year Old Sister That I Need To Get It Together,

What did you ever do with your life?

Love,
Michael

Dear Frequent Customer Card,

Next time I go to get a sandwich, please remember to come with me. Your population is multiplying like rabbits in my drawer.

Love,
Drew

February 23, 2007

Dear Judge Over Anna Nicole Smith's Case,

Were Pauly Shore and Andy Dick too busy to preside?

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Facebook,

Should I be concerned that you are the reason I go to work everyday?

Love,
Beth

Dear CNN, MSNBC, And The Today Show,

You can all stop competing for the "most outrageous lies we can tell Americans in one day" award.

It's a tie.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Awkwardness,

It's probably best that you stay home tonight while I'm on my date.

Love,
Beth

February 20, 2007

Dear Anonymous Co-Worker,

There is a reason for the Lyson disinfectant spray in the bathroom. Please use it.

Love,
Dixie

Dear Cold Weather,

Thanks for scaring the Girl Scouts away. I now have no cookies.

Love,
Kendall

February 16, 2007

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Who Asked Me for $150 Three Days After We Broke Up,

After seeing some recent pictures of you, I realize that you didn't need to pay your cell phone bill like you said. The new tattoo of your AREA CODE says it all. Glad I didn't let you guilt trip me into forking over the cash.

Love,
Lindsay

Dear High School Senior On A Campus Visit To Your Prospective College,

You might want to rethink that letter jacket from band. That's not really a lady killer anymore.

Love,
Kurt

Dear 6am Flights On A Saturday Morning,

Why do you exist and why do I agree to pay for you?

Love,
Courtney

Dear Uneven Eyebrows,

Maybe plucking you while drunk wasn't the best idea.

Love,
Alison

February 10, 2007

Dear Automatic Spellchecking Function That Now Appears While Writing Facebook Wall Comments,

If you think you're going to make my drunken wall posts sound less incomprehensible, you are sorely mistaken.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Fox News,

The line between you and grocery checkout line tabloids is no longer visible.

Love,
Kendall

February 06, 2007

Dear Britney Spears,

About 2 years ago a reporter asked you how married life was and you said, "It's awesome."

Last week a reporter asked you how single life was and you said, "It's awesome."

Thanks for showing me the difference.

Love,
Jaycie

Dear MySpace & Facebook,

Thanks for taking the "blind" out of "blind date."

Love,
Jaycie

February 05, 2007

Dear Broken Heater In My Apartment,

I didn't care for you much anyway.

Love,
Michael

Dear Uncle Larry,

Your belt buckle collection is amazing! You should sell some and get your electricity turned back on.

Love,
Matt

Dear Toy Companies,

Do you hire research groups to find the most obnoxious noises or is that just pure luck?

Love,
Danielle

Dear Ginger Ale,

Why can't you be a hefeweizen?

Love,
J.

Dear Black Oil Based Paint That's All Over My Hands,

Oh..and now you're all over my keyboard...awesome.

Love,
Jon

Dear Roommate,

Remember when you asked me what kind of animal the Pink PANTHER was? I just wanted to bring that up again.

Love,
Chin

Dear Invitation to Join Facebook Group "Touch Me Where It Tickles,"

I'm not ticklish...but what the hell.

Love,
Jeremie Jay Bryner

Dear Drinking A Beer Before Going To The Gym,

It made sense at the time.

Love,
Caitlin

January 31, 2007

Dear Comb-Over,

You aren't fooling anyone.

Love,
Rachel

January 29, 2007

Dear Man That Interviewed Me for a Job,

The booger in your nose made it really difficult for me to look you in the eye. Please don't hold that against me.

Love,
Caroline

January 26, 2007

Dear "The Real Housewives of Orange County,"

Why can't I stop watching your train wreck of a tv show?

Love,
Jade

Dear Christmas Cards From All Of My Friends,

Thanks for making my kids look average.

Love,
Jayne

Dear Workplace Toilet That Almost Overflowed When I Tried To Flush Down My Deuce,

If you ever scare me like that again, I am going to beat the crap out of you.

Love,
Seth

Dear High School Boyfriend,

It was nice to see you at the reunion. I see that my prayer for you to be runover by a truck for dumping me for that cheerleader went unanswered. But your beer belly, 6 screaming children, and video game addiction will do just fine.

Love,
Ashley

Dear 365 Beer Game,

It's hard to tell if you have made my life complete or ruined it.

Love,
Caitlin

January 24, 2007

Dear High School Boyfriend,

I wasn't fat! But your words sure haunted me for a long time. Oh, and I heard you're bald now, so maybe it's karma.

Love,
B.

Dear Saturday Night When Five Of My Guy Friends And I Danced Together To Techno Music,

We've decided to never speak of that night again so if you could, you know, not talk about it either, we'll be your best friends.

Love,
Michael

Dear Hairstylist in Miami Who With A Snip of Your Scissors Changed My Life,

Thank you for giving me a reason to move to Miami. See you soon!

Love,
Ashley in DC

Dear Meatloaf,

Who would have thought that a loaf of meat could be so good?

Love,
Matt

January 22, 2007

Dear Numerous Unsorted Mail Posts Bitchin About The Cold Weather,

Welcome! From Colorado...where the f*** have you been?

Love,
Kendall

Dear Bacon,

Thank you.

Love,
Matt

Dear Middle-Aged Men Who Wear A Bluetooth Set EVERYWHERE Even Though They Are Never On The Phone,

I know you think you're hip to our generation, but you really just look stupid. And when we smile at you, it's not because we think you're cool, it's becuase we're laughing at you. And let's be honest, you're not going to get a phone call while you're sitting in church.

Love,
JC

Dear Towing Company,

You thought I wouldn't walk the 5 miles from the Red Door to your towing establishment in 20 degree weather and claim my truck at 3:30am. I hope you learned your lesson.

Love,
Michael

January 18, 2007

Dear Non-Fat Sugar-Free Instant Banana Pudding,

You're scaring me.

Love,
Marie

Dear Lady Giving Voicemail Instructions,

How many people in the history of voicemail have actually pressed 2 to leave a numeric page?

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie,

Remember me?

Love,
Marie

Dear Blogger,

Let's make a deal. You get me a computer and I'll pay more attention to you.

Love,
Marie

January 16, 2007

Dear Food Network's "$40 A Day,"

What better way to spend 30 minutes of my day than to watch Rachel Ray eat and eat and eat...

Love,
Katie

Dear House That I Have Been ICED In For 5 Days With A Toddler,

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock
Tick, TIck, TICk, TICK...BOOM!!!

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Winter Weather,

I thought your invitation got lost in the mail or something. I'm glad you decided to show up.

Love,
Michael

Dear Mother Nature,

You're a cruel cruel bitch sometimes, you know?

Love,
Becky (& the Midwest)

January 14, 2007

January 09, 2007

Dear Annoying Co-Worker With The Abnoxiously Loud And Irritating Ringtone,

Cell phones these days come equipt with a vibrate feature. Figure yours out. Now.

Love,
SMAT

Dear Apple Computer Inc., Now Known As Apple Inc.,

Why do you torture me with your constant dazzle and shameless product updates such as the new iPhone? I can't quit you!

Love,
Kendall

Dear Ohio State,

Never underestimate the toughest conference in college football.

Love,
Meredith

January 08, 2007

Dear Gnarls Barkley's "Gone Daddy Gone" Video,

You're like a mix between porn and Kafka. Classy.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Why do you insist on building my hopes up for a winning season only to have them crash down into a horrific pit of fiery, depressing, bang-my-head-against-the-wall, stare-into-nothingness, all-hope-is-lost Hell?

Love,
Tony

Dear Old Lady Who Flipped Me Off On The Freeway For Not Getting Out Of Her Way Fast Enough,

You should probably remove the bumper sticker that says, "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."

Love,
Angela

Dear Weight Gain,

You're late, and now I don't want to.

Love,
Michael

January 06, 2007

Dear Random friends I Never Talk To Who Included Me On Their Mass Merry Christmas/Happy New Year Text Messages,

Unsubscribe.

Love,
Meredith

Dear Washington Redskins,

Why can't you win DURING THE SEASON instead of during the OFFSEASON!?

Love,
Trey

Dear Ex-Girlfriend Making Me Explain To Her Again, On New Year's Eve, Why We Broke Up,

Among other things, I want kids and you don't.

Love,
Michael

Dear Homeless Guy Who Joined Our New Years Eve Party,

That's the sign of a good party.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Friday Night,

How YOU doin'?

Love,
Stephen

January 04, 2007

Dear Drunk Gentleman Who Walked Through The Wendy's Drive-Thru At 2:30 AM On Jan. 1st And Charmed The Workers With A Drunken Shout Of, "COME OOOOON!"

Wanna be friends?

Love,
Michael

Dear Junior High Girlfriend,

I finally learned how to French.

Not a strong reason for the break up.

Love,
Chris

Dear Grandma,

Thanks for the "WOW 2006 Best Christian Hits." Can I have a reciept now?

Love,
Chin

January 03, 2007

Dear Credit Card Debt,

Hey!...Wait up!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Grocery Store Cashier,

Just to clarify: That old folded reciept that fell out of my purse onto your check out line was not me slipping you my number.

Love,
Katie

Dear 2007,

My New Year's resolution will be to stop procrastinating in 2008.

Love,
Stephen