December 30, 2006

Dear K-Fed's Upcoming Professional Wrestling Debut,

Still classy.

Love,
Michael

Dear First Post-College Christmas "Break" Of Only 3 Days,

Bah-humbug to you too.

Love,
Blair

Dear Chimichanga,

You aren't so good the second time around.

Love,
Courtney

Dear Super Walmart,

How could you possibly be out of cigarette lighters???

Love,
Joanna

December 28, 2006

Dear Chocolate Cake And Beer,

Thank you for our amazing evening together.

Love,
Megan, Matt, Megan, & Court

Dear Citizens Jeans,

What do you have against girls who are taller than 5'6" and weigh more than 100 lbs?

Love,
Megan

Dear Steve Nash,

Thank you for getting a hair cut.

Love,
Megan

Dear Rosie,

You're fired.

Love,
Angela

Dear Mortgage Payment,

Quit cramping my style.

Love,
Courtney

December 24, 2006

Dear Perrier Bottle,

Sure I've filled you with regular tap water, but you still make me feel so classy.

Love,
Greg

Dear Verizon Chocolate Phone,

Riddle me this...why don't you make a BROWN PHONE?

Love,
Caitlin

Dear MySpace,

I hate you.

Love,
Joanna

Dear City Frozen In Snow,

Oddly people are friendlier here when they're stuck in 3 feet of snow than when they aren't. Why is that? It's the alcohol...isn't it?

Love,
Kendall

December 21, 2006

Dear Three Glasses Of Wine At The Office Holiday Party,

YOU are th reasn I can'tt tpe today.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Bad Habit,

Break yourself. I'm tired.

Love,
Ashely

Dear Attractive, Talented Blonde Surrounded by Unattractive, Off-Key People Christmas Caroling At Record Labels Along Music Row This Morning,

That's really obvious, yet, still a really good plan.

Love,
Erin

Dear Line To Get A Picture With Santa At The Mall,

Is the purpose of a 1-2 hour wait just to see how GOOD and PATIENT the kids can be or the parents?

Love,
Katie P.

December 19, 2006

Dear Broken Heater In My Office,

It's your faul ti cannot ype today.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Giant Tin Of Butter Cookies That Will Most Certainly Result In A Significant And Depression-Inducing Weigh Gain,

I wish I could quit you.

Love,
Lanier

Dear No Vacation Left At The End Of The Year,

Cough, cough, sniffle...I suddenly feel the 24 hour flu coming on.

Love,
Stephen

December 18, 2006

Dear Double Negative,

I'm never not sure that you make me sound stupid, so why did I not not use you in this morning's meeting?

Love,
Greg

Dear Co-Worker That Crop Dusted My Aisle,

OMG!! That smells!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Justin Timberlake,

You are officially the greatest pop star, ever.

Love,
Tim

Dear Coat That's Too Thick For Fall And Too Thin For Winter,

You're lucky you make me look good.

Love,
Greg

Dear Elliptical Machine,

You know, I really want to use you, but I just don't want to disturb the pile of clothes laying on you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Greg,

I don't know you, but thanks for making me laugh on a Monday morning.

Love,
Erin

December 17, 2006

Dear Doctors' Offices Everywhere,

Your magazine rep lied to you. Parenting and Gardening are NOT the only two magazines we read.

Love,
Greg

Dear Coke Print Ads That Read "Thirsty?",

Yeah...because I just drank this Coke!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Rain,

Why do you insist on arriving only when I'm driving to and from work?

Love,
Danielle

Dear Motivation,

Come back to me. I'm sorry I took you for granted.

Love,
Kendra

Dear Slowly Receding Hairline On My 21 Year Old Head,

C'mon guys, let's stick together and hang on for a few more years. I promise that after I settle down, you can do whatever you want.

Love,
Michael

December 12, 2006

Dear ET's Decision To Put Tom Cruise At The #1 Spot On The Hot List,

Who is voting on this $h*t?

Love,
Marie

Dear Michael Richards,

Word to the wise: You can never fail with knock-knock jokes.

Love,
Greg

Dear Australia,

I was planning to take a vacation to see you, but then I found out that you're responsible for The Wiggles. You can forget it now.

Love,
Greg

Dear Yankee "Sweet" Tea Server,

Also, when I order iced tea, I don't mean mint tea or raspberry tea.

Love,
Rick

Dear Producers Of The Bachelor,

Please pick my friend to be on the show. Not becuase I care that she really find love, but I'm already married and can't be on the show myself.

Love,
Kiki

Dear End Of The Semester,

Thank you for ruining my social life, comedic abilities, and overall merryment.

Love,
Jenniac

December 11, 2006

Dear Guy Who Flipped Out At Subway Because They Were Out Of Regular Mayo,

Do manboobs and Miracle Whip not go well together?

Love,
Greg

Dear Exec's At The CW,

Still waiting to hear from you about my "Cuddles The Ninja Cat" pilot. If "Girlfriends" is getting renewed, I expect at least a phone call.

Love,
Greg

Dear Mid-90’s Clearasil Commercial That Has Been On TV Alot Lately,

Can you please tell me why you have brought the commercial with Danny Masterson, then a star on Roseanne, and now a star on That 70s Show back on the air??

Love,
Meredith

Dear Thong,

Will you ever be comfortable?

Love,
Amanda

December 07, 2006

Dear Fly,

Why didn't you tell me you were open? I've been at work for 6 hours!!

Love,
Caroline

Dear Bob Evans Restaurants,

You are SO NOT Cracker Barrell.

Love,
Rick

Dear Nashville Male Hipster That Isn't Trying Too Hard,

I know now why I couldn't find any girls' jeans. Thanks for nothing.

Love,
Cami

Dear Chivalry,

Why did you die? I miss you.

Love,
Amelia

Dear UCLA,

Thanks.

Love,
The Gator Nation

December 05, 2006

Dear Weathermen Everywhere,

First Defense Dopler, Live Dopler 5, SatRad... call your stupid dish whatever flashy name you want. Should I put on a coat or NOT?!

Love,
Greg

Dear Davis on The Real World Who Told One Roommate That He DIdn't Want To Tell His Other Roommates He Was Gay,

See that video camera you're talking into?

Love,
Danielle

December 04, 2006

Dear Handicapped People,

You get all the good parking spaces.

Love,
Marie

December 03, 2006

Dear Co-Worker Who Shouts "For Three Points!" Whenever He Throws Balls Of Trash Into The Wastebasket,

I wish the coach would trade you already.

Love,
Greg

Dear Being Just West Of The Central/Eastern Time Zone Line,

I clock in for work, it's dark. I clock out, it's dark. But having the Late Show on an hour earlier is so worth the depression.

Love,
Greg

Dear iPod Headphones Guy Near Me In The Library,

No commercials are being filmed here tonight, so you don't need to dance around as you stand up to get another book.

Love,
Will

Dear Winter Snow,

You don't call. You don't write. What do St. Louis and Chicago have over Nashville?

Love,
Sara

Dear Counting How Many Times The Cursor On My Blank Document Blinks Every Minute,

You and your friend "writer's block" suck.

Love,
Ashley Elizabeth

Dear Banana Republic,

Thank you for the unisex fitting rooms. They make for a truly awkward dressing experience.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Orhan Kahn,

Must you make ridiculous comments to everyone's posts?

Love,
Todd

November 30, 2006

Dear Makers Of Cheetos,

The makers of buffalo wings gave us wetnaps. My freshly ruined white dress shirt and I agree that you should, too.

Love,
Greg

Dear Pam Anderson And Kid Rock Divorcing,

First Brit and K-Fed...and now you two!?!
Does anything last forever?

Love,
Steph

Dear Chicago Mayor Who Banned a Christmas Story from Your Christmas Festival,

Huh?

Love,
Lanier

Dear Hair That I Thought Could Wait Another Week For Coloring Until I Got The Pictures Developed from Thanksgiving,

You've been outed.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Terrorists Who Tried To Use Liquid Explosives To Attack Airplanes,

You owe me a bottle of shampoo, vanilla body wash, and some really expensive lotion.

Love,
Amelia

Dear Cannibal Corpse, Dying Fetus, Necrophagist, and Unmerciful Concert Playing At The Java Jazz Coffeehouse,

You might need to rethink your choice of venue.

Love,
Steph

November 28, 2006

Dear Old Friend From College Who Still Works At Abercrombie & Fitch,

Whew--Is it sad in here, or is it just you?

Love,
Greg

Dear Old "Friends" Who Found Me On MySpace,

If I wanted to keep in touch with you, I would have.

Love,
Cami

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Why is it that even though you are from the South, you still have the worse fake southern accent I have ever heard?

Love,
Stephen

Dear Coffee Shop Full Of People On Computers,

Ever wonder why we suck at personal relationships?

Love,
Kendall

November 27, 2006

Dear Ability To Write Funny Unsorted Mail Letters,

Wish you were here.

Love,
Katie

Dear Dads Everywhere,

Why is it impossible to think of good gifts for you?

Love,
Katie

Dear Mechanical Santa That Sings Christmas Songs And 'Toots' During Them,

Forget milk and cookies...expect lactaid and soy milk.

Love,
Angela

November 26, 2006

November 20, 2006

Dear 9 to 5,

Wouldn't it be more appropriate to call you 7:30 to 6?

Love,
Seth

Dear 50-Something Neighbor who Drives His Girlfriend Around In His Red Convertible Blasting "Don't Cha,"

Awesome. You rock that mid-life crisis!

Love,
Danielle

Dear Bright Orange Flowered Rain Boots,

I hope you're appropriate office attire.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Microsoft,

Replacing the "T" in Tunes with a "Z" does not make your product anywhere near as wonderful as iTunes. But thanks for trying.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Chinese Buffet,

Why can't I quit you?

Love,
Seth

November 15, 2006

Dear Mario Lopez,

Without fail, your dancing triggers an instant flashback to The Max "Dance-Off."

Love,
Steph

Dear Boyfriend-ish Person Who Called Me Motherly,

All I can say is "I'll show you...and...You've done it to yourself!" Hope you don't mind babysitting me this weekend.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Honda Salesman And Manager,

Thank you for putting me in my place as a woman. After you repeatedly asked if I needed to contact my husband for advice because you didn't think I realized what "CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED" meant, I suddenly figured out that I DO need my husband's advice for anything other than washing dishes and vacuuming. Have have I made it this far without him?

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Friends Who Crashed At My Place After A Night Out,

Sure, go ahead..... Raid my fridge...

Love,
Sarah

Dear People Magazine,

I'm not saying I'm necessarily into 45 year old men... but I'm also not going to be disagreeing with you anytime soon.

Love,
Marie

November 14, 2006

Dear TGI Fridays,

Thank you for your new appetizer menu that includes deep fried green beans, fried mac and cheese, and a heart attack.

Love,
Jenniac

November 13, 2006

Dear Allergies,

If I could punch you in the face, I would.

Love,
Katie

Dear LSU Fans,

You all smell like corn dogs.

Love,
Lila

Dear Jay Cutler,

There is a big difference between you and you.

Love,
Marie

November 09, 2006

Dear Crewneck Sweatshirt I Wore All Day,

You make me feel like I'm on Home Improvement.

Love,
Katie

November 07, 2006

Dear Chasing Liberty,

You are the worst movie I have ever seen...and my night has officially been wasted.

Love,
Katie

Dear Arnold,

Thank you for calling Califonia residents and reminding them to vote, but next time, it'd be cooler if you didn't do it 4 times in one day.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Election Day,

I elect to stay inside and drink some tea. But standing in line in the cold would've been fun, too.

Love,
Marie

Dear Kevin Federline,

With your awesomely terrible new album and a loudspeaker, North Korea could take over the world.

Love,
Josh

Dear Algebra II Student Who Asked Me For Help Finding The Limit Of A Function,

Sorry, but Geometry was my limit and I'm afraid there was little functioning after that.

Love,
Marie

November 03, 2006

Dear Low Bandwidth While I'm Trying To Watch "Lost,"

I-cant-underst-yo.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Jim,

How could you miss Pam's call?

Love,
Angela

Dear Kanye,

Are you serious?

Love,
Katie

November 02, 2006

Dear Homework,

You know I am trying to avoiding you when I start proof reading my friends' facebook profiles.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Food Network,

Why is everyone on your channel so skinny?

Love,
Jenny

Dear My Soul Sucking Job,

I'm literally counting down the minutes until my contract ends. And for the record, that's 246,960 minutes.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Episode Of "The Office" That's On Tonight,

I'm so excited that I just farted a little bit.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Promotional Emails From Jcrew.com,

You were so much more fun before I realized this new job only pays $4.86 an hour.

Love,
Katie

October 31, 2006

Dear Game Of Egg Nog Pong,

You were the worst idea ever...and my tummy agrees.

Love,
Katie

Dear Readers,

Due to popular demand, we have created a facebook group for our fans!

Enjoy and keep the letters coming!

Love,
Katie & Marie

Dear CT From The Real World/Road Rules Challenge,

When did you get hot?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Searching Myself On Google,

Apparently I don't exist or am untraceable...or let's just admit it...unimportant.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Netflix,

Thank you for making for TV movies availible to rent. I highly recommend any that star (and I use that term loosely) Six from Blossom.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Evangelist At REI,

As uncomfortable as you made people, I have to give you props for your creative line: "I see you're looking at Camelpacks...have you ever had any living water?"

Love,
Katie

Dear Grocery Store Cashier Dressed As A Ghoul/Beaten Lady/Dancer In Thriller,

I think some of your fake blood got on my bananas.

Love,
Katie

Dear Weather.com,

So it's 5 degrees outside and feels like -5? Why don't you just tell me I'm screwed.

Love,
Katie

Dear Reese And Ryan's Split,

There goes the American dream... Next thing you know, baseball will be illegal and apple pie will be extinct.

Love,
Marie

October 30, 2006

Dear Small Educational Component To My Internship Urban Experience,

Spending the majority of my day in the library makes me question the use of the word "small".

Love,
Marie

Dear NBC,

Thank you for creating Heroes in case Lost gets cancelled.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Lost, Or Writers Of Lost, Or ABC,

I didn't know the title of your show was your goal for your viewers.

Love,
Kendall

Dear World,

Why do unattractive boys become irresistable when they pick up a guitar?

Love,
Jenny

Dear The OC,

Showing the season 4 premiere a week early for free on MySpace still does not change the fact that you killed Marissa and the show sucks now.

Love,
Meredith

October 29, 2006

Dear Ex-Boyfriends Birthday,

To call or not to call? Or maybe just to hope you check my blog and realize that I remembered...

Love,
Marie

October 27, 2006

Dear Ghost Hunters,

When seeing a ghost, should you really chase it?

Love,
Angela

Dear Inviting People To Your Wedding Via Facebook,

Two words: Party Foul.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Concept Of Procrasination,

May God bless whoever created you.

Love,
Jenny

October 26, 2006

Dear World,

News Flash: Did everyone know that you can watch Grey's and Lost for FREE on Abc.com?!

...Is it that obvious that I don't have a television?

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy At AutoZone Who Gave Me A Weird Look When I Didn't Know What Kind Of Engine My Car Had,

(Multiple entries...leave a comment and vote for your favorite!)

A. I can tell you what my dress size is though.

B. Sorry, raised by a single mother - Would you like me to bake you some cookies while you check under the hood for me?

C. So where do I go to turn in my penis?

Love,
Greg

Dear Guy Sitting Next To Me In The Library,

Ever heard of Breathe-Rite Strips?

Love,
Jenny

Dear 4 Inch Stiletto Heeled Pumps,

How can something so beatiful be so evil? My blistered feel will never forgive you, but my eyes will always love you.

Love,
Sara

October 25, 2006

Dear Bike Seat After 35 Mile Ride,

Expect to hear from my lawyer.

Love,
Marie

Dear Rachel Ray,

Have you discovered the Starbucks Double Shot too?!

Love,
Jenny

Dear Audience At "Showtime At The Apollo,"

With Monique and Sinbad as alternating hosts, do you ever have an opportunity to stop booing?

Love,
Greg

Dear New Haircut,

Daaammmmnnnnn guuuurrrrlllll!

Love,
Kendra

Dear Alamance County: Your Link To The Future,

Were all the relevant slogans taken?

Love,
Marie

Dear Kenny,

I almost get mad when you don't die.

Love,
Greg

Dear Cardinals,

I can't believe people don't make more fun of Pujols' name. I mean come on... Pooholes! Now thats funny!

Love,
Marie

Dear Neighborhood Sign Reading Caution: Deaf Pedestrian,

Not to single anyone out or anything...

Love,
Marie

October 24, 2006

Dear Suites Everywhere,

It really irritates me that your abbreviation is 'Ste'.

Love,
Marie

October 23, 2006

October 22, 2006

Dear Psuedo-Ten-Year College Reunion in Boulder,

There is NO WAY it's been THAT long. Thanks for adding grey to my hair.

Love,
Kendall

Dear People Who Put Fake Baseball and/or Gunshot Stickers In Their Car Window,

I can tell it's not real. Especially when you're driving a Lexus.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Everyone Who Has A Picture Of Them Making Out As Their Profile Pic On Myspace,

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Love,
Parma

Dear 65+ Yr Old Drummer For Amos Lee,

I consider myself lucky that, out of your entire 5 minute sexual solo, the only word I could understand was 'candy'.

Love,
Marie

October 20, 2006

Dear Piece Of Crap Car Alarm Remote Battery,

Thanks for dying while I was at a rest stop getting gasoline and coffee. Breaking into my own car and having to ask a guy for a screwdriver...real fun, and not embarassing at all.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear World,

I bowled a 169 the other night. That is all.

Love,
Katie

Dear Wine Stained Unemployment Handbook,

I can't decide if this is comic or tragic.

Love,
Mist 1

Dear "The Best of Savage Garden" CD,

A blank CD shouldn't cost this much.

Love,
Greg

October 18, 2006

Dear Dave Navarro,

I wish you gave as much care to your music as you do your beard.

Love,
Greg

Dear 7th Grade,

Remember the PEN15 club? Those were the days.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Ben And Jerry's Chunky Monkey Ice Cream,

You shed a whole new light on the phrase "you are what you eat".

Love,
Kendra

Dear VirusScan Software,

It's a bad sign when even you freeze up.

Love,
Marie

October 16, 2006

October 15, 2006

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I think I'm forcing it. Am I even funny anymore?!

Love,
Marie

Dear Friend Who Put Us On The List For His Concert,

That was so money. Literally.

Love,
Marie

Dear Piece Of Paper I've Wrote All My UnsortedMail Ideas On During My Two Week Road Trip,

I can't believe I lost you! I'm going to look like a total UM slacker if I don't come up with a bunch of letters ASAP. Wait... even then, it may be too late to redeem myself. Dangit.

Love,
Marie

Dear Hammock At Friends House,

We should hang.

Love,
Marie

Dear Baguettes,

I imagine you'd be easier to understand for someone who liked crust.

Love,
Marie

Dear Cowbells Everywhere,

You owe Will Farrell a huge thank you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Country Super-Star Who Lives In A Loft Near Me,

You know when you were running and slowed down becuase you recognize me? It wasn't your abs that made me spill my hot coffee all of my white tank top and my dog...I swear.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Facebook,

Stop trying to be MySpace.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Lunch Hour,

It's weird to think that I live for you just as much now, if not more than I did in 6th grade. You rule! I mean...sike!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Girl In The Stall Next To Me Yesterday With Freakishly Ugly Feet and Crooked Toes,

Not that you could see me, but sorry for staring.

Love,
Casey

October 14, 2006

October 13, 2006

Dear Lifelong Friend Who Asked Me To be The Gift Biotch (Err, Attendant) Instead Of A Bridesmaid,

The least you could have done in this already awkward situation was to cover up your suprise that yes, I actually have a date to bring. And we'd like to be at the table closest to the open bar. Thanks.

Love,
Parma

Dear 3 Inch Sex-In-The-City-Worthy Black Stiletto Shoes I Just Bought,

I think even the check out girl just fell in love with me. You're good.

Love,
Parma

Dear John Mayer,

Can you please explain to me the obsession with the bear costume?

Love,
Jami

October 11, 2006

Dear Crest,

Look, if we're not supposed to be eating the toothpaste, then stop flavoring it with things like cinnamon, tangerine, and bubblegum! You're confusing us!

Love,
Greg

Dear Wertz,

You can call ME at 5:19.

Love,
Steph

Dear Orhan Kahn Who Is From Australia And Comments On Everyone’s Letters, Not To Mention The UM Color Change,

Who are you?

Love,
Sarah

Dear The Color Orange,

You rock my socks off! And my phone, and my coat, and my sheets, and my earrings, and my toothpaste, and my sneakers, and...well, you get the picture.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Marie's Most Recent Facebook Photo Additions,

Thanks for confusing me even more as to what she does for a living.

Love,
Mike B

Dear Carson Daly,

Remember when you used to be cool?

Love,
Jenniac

October 10, 2006

Dear Short, But Kinda Cute Guys That Makes My Coffee Every Morning,

Is it wrong that I am beginning to think of our daily encounters as dates?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear CNN.com Headline "'You Only Live Twice' Actor Dead,"

That's so not cool, dude.

Love,
Greg

Dear Mother's Boyfriend That Bought Me A South Park Tie For My Birthday,

Hasn't my mother dumped you yet?

Love,
Greg

Dear Stock Portfolio,

The DOW has hit record highs, where is my GREEN!?

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Georgia Bulldogs,

It's a shame your bark is as lame as your bite. Go Vols!

Love,
Jessica Mac

October 09, 2006

Dear Whole Foods Employee Who Yelled At Me When I Added Cans To The Recycle Bin,

Ironic.

Love,
Sandy

Dear Monday Morning Alarm at 4:50am,

NO.

Love,
Erin C.

Dear Thoughts of What I Was Going To Get Done At Work Today,

You are always different than what actually happens.

Love,
Casey

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thank you! I no longer have to do an ab routine, as the witty banter from your page has provided a similar workout from laughter.

Love,
Jami

Dear SNL Cast,

How does it feel to know that NBC shows a 6 year old episode immediately after your new one? Do you like everyone immediately remembering how much funnier all those other people were?

Love,
Ryan

October 07, 2006

Dear Road Trip Car-Mate Who Ordered A Chick-Fil-A Party Platter For The Drive Out Of Town,

You, sir, are a visionary.

Love,
BCW

Dear Linen's And Things 10% Off Coupon For Shower Curtains,

Um, thanks...?

Love,
Greg

Dear MTV's Two-A-Days,

Why do I watch the same episodes over and over again? Oh that's right, I can't get enough of Southern boys with long bangs and bad grammar.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear BellSouth Fast Access DSL Internet That I Just Installed At My House After Having No Internet For 8 Months,

I want the hours of sleep I have lost from surfing you to reenter the world of Facebook and to catch up on the over 500 Gmail emails I have not been able to read since my office decided to block personal email accounts back. You have caused me to falsely believe I am back in college again.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Denim Vest,

How on earth did you make your way back into the J. Crew catalog?

Love,
Steph

October 05, 2006

Dear Guy Walking By The Stall When The Door Accidently Opened Due To The Cheaply Made Foreign Lock,

Regardless of the smirk on my face, I feel just as, if not more uncomfortable than you.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Autumn,

Thanks for being so cool.

Love,
Josh

Dear Coworker Who Told Me That I Am Longwinded,

That is so not true, I always try to give you the least amount of information when you ask me questions, becuase I know that you're super busy, and it literally annoys me when people try and stand there and have an hour-long conversation with me when all I needed was a simple little thing like the printer is jammed and I can't fix it, or there's a customer whose details I don't understand, or there is a problem with the radio system, because you know that radio system is always own, I'm not sure why they don't just put in a little extra money and buy those Nextel phones, I mean sure there's a monthly fee, but we'll probably make that money back with the savings on time, like there was this one time that Antonio and I had a ten-minute long scuffle over the radio because neither of us were understanding what each other were saying, hey where are you going?

Love,
Greg

Dear Speed Limit,

In New York we think of you just as a suggestion, but thanks for the input.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear 8th Grade Stussy T-Shirt,

I still think you're cool.

Love,
Natalie

Dear Stale Cereal And Somewhat Dated Milk,

Surprisingly, you two don't cancel each other out.

Love,
Greg

Dear Yom Kippur,

Thank you for making October 2nd a day off of work for me. I promise to appreciate you more in the future.

Love,
Jenny D.

Dear Cat,

Don't look at me like that. I scoop your poop everday. Now the toilet's clogged and I think YOU should take care of it. It's called give and take.

Love,
Greg

Dear John Mayer,

Why do you always look like you're about to cry when you perform your songs.

Love,
Steph

Dear Colleagues At My Office Who Insist On Calling Me Blondie,

Enough is enough. I do not feel compelled to call you Brownie just becuase you are a Brunette.

Love,
K Habs

Dear Self,

Thank you for finally getting the courage to submit a letter to unsorted mail. The world should not be without your comedic genius.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear World Of Public Accounting,

I want my life back.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Katie/Marie/WHOEVER,

It's been 4 days...I'm dying...with a cold...and haven't laughed. Pluuuuuese come back!

Love,
Sarah

September 30, 2006

Dear Readers,

Just a heads up...I'll be on hiatus until Wednesday as I move cross-country! To where you ask? Oh, just the middle of nowhere. I'm told that I won't have cell phone service or television at my future home...but I will have wireless internet! Thank the good Lord, and Grey's Anatomy on iTunes, and espn.com for live stats, and perezhilton.com...

Keep the letters coming, and I'll post em as soon as I can! And this is not to say that Marie won't be around to keep you entertained. :)

Love,
Katie

Dear Deodorant Stick I Keep Using Even Though It's Been Empty For Four Days,

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Erin & Sarah Mac,

Thank you for introducting me to a whole new way to waste time when I should be working and/or sleeping. I am sure my boss would like to send each of you a personal thank you note.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Guy Wearing A Camouflage-Colored Fanny Pack In The Deli,

We're not in the woods, and I am not a deer, so yes, I am afriad I can see that.

Love,
Greg

Dear 20-Year-Old Brother Who Asked Me In The Car Today What Day Of The Week Thanksgiving Is On This Year,

I am no longer claiming relation to you.

Love,
J.C.

Dear Boss Who Suggested That My Mini-Makeover Start With My Boobs,

Can you say sexual harassment lawsuit?

Love,
Becky

Dear Super Glue That I Couldn't Get The Cap Off Of,

Ok, ok...I was wrong to say that you are just medicore glue. You really are super. Now please, just let go of the cap!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Mouth,

Please consult with brain before opening.

Love,
J.C.

September 29, 2006

Dear Phrase, “Meet Me At My Locker After 2nd Period”,

Sometimes I miss saying you.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Justin,

I am still not sure what a futuresexlovesong is, but I think I like it.

Love,
Erin A.

September 28, 2006

Dear Judge Joe Brown Commercial That Said “It’s Joe Time,”

Hell ya it is!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Conversation With My Co-Worker & Student Employee About Having Sex In Your Parents' Bed,

Thanks for bringing me today's awkward moment.

Love,
Danielle

Dear David Caruso,

General Hospital called—they want their soap star gaze back.

Love,
Erin

Dear New Hair Do That I Loved Yesterday But Can't Recreate Today,

Our love affair was too short lived. I miss you.

Love,
Becky

Dear Unexpected Hole In The Butt Of My Suit Pants That I Discovered At Lunch,

You bring a whole new meaning to the term “breezy”!

Love,
Erin

Dear NyQuil,

Taking you at 1am made for a very rough 8am. I have learned my lesson.

Love,
Katie

Dear AWESOME Hot Coco That I Just Discovered Our In-Office Starbucks Machine Makes,

Dammit! 15 more reps...

Love,
Sarah

Dear Wednesday Night Class Called "The Entertainment Industry In New York,"

Glad I'm paying $1600 a month for my bedroom and another couple hundred for tuition to learn that people in New York are lonely...You take my time every week from 7-9:30pm so I can't really go to a show because by the time I get there I've missed half the act. The coolest thing about you is the view from the 63rd floor of the Empire State Building...which got old about 4 weeks ago.

Love,
Josh

Dear Ryan Adams,

Do you read Unsorted Mail?

(Click on the yellow button above the little man in the square on the bottom left.)

Love,
Katie

Dear Creator Of Cricket,

These rules are about as understandable as German hip hop. The only person I’m hating more than you right now is the guy who said, “Hey, let’s play cricket!”

Love,
Greg

Dear Lady In The Car Next To Me At The Stop Light,

The 90's called. They want their hair scrunchy back. Thanks.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Woman Who Sees My Therapist Before Me,

You might want to think about using your indoor voice.

Love,
Mist 1

September 27, 2006

Dear Lady That Cussed Out My Friend At The Checkout Line For Having More Than 12 Items,

Jeez, you sure do like the F-word! You remind me of my mom. She used to scream the F-word at me like that when I was a little kid…And that’s why I hate myself.

Love,
Greg

Dear Stuffy Nose That Causes Me To Breathe Like A Fat Kid,

Maaaaaaaan…I got winded trying to breathe and eat lunch at the same time…

Love,
Sarah

Dear Mind,

It's clear that I've lost you...I just bought a pair of skinny jeans.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Was Injured In A Trampoline Accident,

I hope you improve by leaps and bounds... hee hee.

Love,
Marie

Dear October,

Let's turn over a new leaf.

Love,
Marie

Dear August And September,

I was not funny during you and the unsortedmail archives prove it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie,

All I have to say is atleast the Celebrity Look-Alike Generator didn't give you Jason Biggs and Lance Bass.

Love,
Marie

Dear Friend Who On Facebook Posted A New Photo Album Titled "Teddy Geiger Concert!",

You better have a good explaination.

Love,
Katie

Dear Wanting To Create A New Blog So That I Could Have A Place To Journal & Post Photos,

And 4 hours after playing on Photoshop and designing the page, I've kind of lost the desire to journal.

Love,
Katie

Dear Avon Clear Skin Invigorating Cleansing Scrub,

How come I didn't really have zits until I started using you?

Love,
Greg

Dear The Saying "Just For Sh*ts & Giggles,"

You annoy me....b/c I certainly don't do anything for the "sh*ts." And if I were, I definitely wouldn't be giggling.

Love,
Crockett

Dear "Oprah & Gayle's Big Adventure",

Oprah, do you don't know to pump gas becuase you haven't done it since 1986? If you ask me, that's a bit more annoying than funny.

Love,
Katie

Dear Catching A Head Cold Right Before I Take The GMAT,

Perfect.

Love,
Katie

September 26, 2006

Dear Ethernet Conference Call That I'm On,

UUUHHHH... Was that a question for me?? I guess surfing the internet while on the call isn't such a good idea.

Love,
Katie P

Dear Ex,

Are we having a war with blogs? I'm calling a Truce. Really.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Facebook,

Thank you for the random people from my past who keep wishing me happy birthday.

Love,
BCW

September 25, 2006

Dear Katie,

I like it!

Love,
Marie

Dear Accidental Nose Picking While PineSol Is All Over My Hands,

Probably won't do that again anytime soon.

Love,
Marie

Dear Weird And Hard To Explain Mentorship/Student Leadership Internship Thingy I'm Doing For The Next 8 Months,

About 5 minutes into answering the "What are you up to these days" question, I realize most people would have been fine with "Not much. You?"

Love,
Marie

Dear Kenny Chesney,

You SO thought Ellen DeGeneres was talking about your height (and not your vision) when she said that "Your hat isn't helping you with your problem." Your face at that moment=priceless.

Love,
Katie

Dear Seemingly Ridiculously Hot Guy At The Gym,

You were looking pretty good from my eliptical machine over in the corner...until I noticed your short shorts.

Love,
Katie

Dear Co-Workers Having An E-Mail Debate Over Whether Or Not Cell Phone Numbers Are Being Released To Telemarketing Companies,

Don't y'all have something more productive you could be doing.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Creepy Non-English Speaking Man Who Keeps Asking Guys At Work For My Number,

Give it up! If I can't understand you face to face, its not going to translate through a cell phone.

Love,
Jami

Dear Coworker In The Cubicle Next To Me Who Continues To Respond To My Witty E-Mails With 'LOL',

I really thought 'lol' meant 'laughing out loud', not 'sitting at my desk silently'. My bad!

Love,
Shana

Dear Readers,

So we're making adjustments...a little less country and a little less minty. Thoughts?

Love,
Katie

Dear Aaron Carter's 48 Hour Engagement To The Tarnished Beauty Queen Turned Playboy Model Who Also Dated Your Former Pop Star Brother,

And I thought your love would last forever.

Love,
Sarah Mac

Dear Coworkers Who Submit to Unsorted Mail Throughout The Workday,

I would just like to say that it really makes me feel good about myself and my work ethic to know that I am on par with you.

Love,
Erin

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Is it weird that I hear the banjo song from Deliverance when your page popsup....And I like it?

Love,
Sarah Mac

Dear New, Modern, Minimally Decorated, Posh Loft That I Now Live In,

I feel like I need to change myself to “fit in”……..AT HOME…awesome.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Elmo TMX,

I think it is LAP SLAPPING funny that people actually pay $200 for you and then give you to their snotty kids to play with.

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I am suddenly craving a Fannie May Mint Melt Away.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Readers,

So we have a new look for UM! I did it almost all by myself, which means we'll definitely have problems! :)

Let us know your thoughts...should we change the colors, should we scratch it and go back to the old stuff? We love the input!

Off to dream in HTML code...

Love,
Katie

September 24, 2006

Dear Boss Who Just Asked Me If I Wanted “To Smell Something Good”,

Well, if it’s between that and smelling something bad….yeah, I guess I’ll smell something good.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Hotel I Drive By Everyday On My Way To Work That Has Been Advertising HBO, ESPEN, And Microfridge For Weeks,

Either nobody has informed you of your misspelling or I need an education in ESPEN.

Love,
Angela

September 23, 2006

Dear Katie,

I guess unemployment also looks like making 10 unsorted mail posts at 2 on a Friday night. You need to come back to Nashville.

Love,
Wedemeyer

Dear Cable Company That Told Be They Would Be There Anywhere Between 8am And 4pm,

...ok...

Love,
Stephen

Dear Georgia,

Sure you won, but that game was pathetic.

Love,
Katie

Dear Musician Friend Who Thanked UnsortedMail In His Latest Album Cover,

Right back atcha!

Love,
Marie

Dear Insane Snow Storm In September,

You know that ditch you were hiding and the black ice you caused? My car found it. Thanks for the fabulous welcome, jerk.

Love,
Taylor

Dear Celebrity Look-Alike Generator,

How did I end up with Juliette Lewis and Sean William Scott?

Love,
Katie

Dear Everyone That I Wish I Could Write About On This Blog,

I think you're cool. Oh, but you're not. I bet I'll never see you again. And you, why did you do that? I miss you!

And somehow...that wasn't the release I was looking for.

Love,
Katie

Dear 1:20am,

So this is where my Unsorted Mail inspiration was hiding?

Love,
Katie

Dear Cool Band That's Apparently Playing A Show In Little Ole Santa Fe, NM,

Cool, so you play the day after I leave...awesome.

Love,
Katie

Dear High Of 45 Today With A Chance Of Snow Tonight,

WTF?

Love,
Katie

Dear Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico,

Wait, that's actually the name of your town? BADASS!

Love,
Katie

Dear $50 Apple.com Gift Certificate Only Valid With A Minimum Purchase Of $50,

Dammit! Why does everything I want add up to only $49.95?!

Love,
Katie

September 22, 2006

Dear Having Not Worn Makeup For 3 Straight Weeks,

And the scarier part is that I plan on making you 4. THIS is what unemployement looks like...literally.

Love,
Katie

Dear MTV's "Next" Marathon,

NEXT!!!!

Love,
Danielle

Dear Addison,

All I really want to know is, where did you get those panties? Cali? Dereck's coat pocket?

Love,
Erin

Dear Guy Behind Me Who Tapped His Foot Continuously On A Piece Of Paper During Our Exam,

Ritalin, anyone?

Love,
Casey

Dear Girl Who Sat Next To Me During Our Exam Who Insisted On Hitting The Clear Button On Her Noisy-Buttoned Calculator 18 Times After Each Problem,

I'm glad we both made it out of there alive. It wasn't look good for you there for a few minutes.

Love,
Casey

September 21, 2006

Dear Drivers' Ed,

You should open an office in Nashville. You would make a killing. Oh, you already have an office here? Wouldn't have guessed that!

Love,
Zach

Dear Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere,

I'll see you later tonight...'wink.'

Love,
Lora

Dear Coworker In The Cubicle Next To Me That Emailed Me And I Replied With "lol" Not Considering That You Could Actually Hear Me,

I didn't laugh...I'm sorry.

Love,
Lora

September 20, 2006

Dear Katie,

This unemployed thing just took a dangerous turn... KetelOne.com at 11:34 am?

Love,
Marie

September 19, 2006

Dear Long Lost Friends On MySpace,

Ok, let's address the profile baby picture. Is that you or your child? We're just...getting to that age, you know?

Love,
Katie

Dear Self,

I'm not sure that eliptical workout really made up for those Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, beers, tortilla chips...oh and 2 handfuls of dark chocolate chips...

Love,
Katie

Dear Employee In My Company Parking Deck Driving With Windows Down & Music Blaring Who Came To A Complete Stop To Check Me Out As I Got Into My Car,

Take it down a notch. This isn't the Panama City strip.

Love,
Erin

Dear Lady Who Responded To The Evite To Watch The Alabama Vs. Lousiana-Monroe Game,

With a response like "Count me as RSVP'd...long as the Lord's willin' and the Creeks don't rise, as we say back in Sweet Home Alabama” I can't help but miss the South.

Love,
Meredith

Dear Craigslist,

How come "1 BR 800 Sq. Ft. $400/mo. Utilities included, Green Hills/Hillsboro" isn't a listing?

Love,
Erin

Dear HP Digital Cameras With "Slimming Feature,"

Add to basket!

Love,
Katie

Dear Eating Cheerios In My PJ's At 3:30 In The Afternoon While Chatting On IM,

You, friend, are what unemployement looks like...and I'm pathetic.

Love,
Katie

Dear Willa Ford,

I thought it was called "Dancing With The Stars", not "Dancing With The Nobodies Who Had One Crappy Single 6 Years Ago,"

Love,
Katie

Dear Carrie Underwood Whose Subject Of Her New Single Vandalizes Her Boyfriend's Car Because He Cheated On Her,

Maybe you should let Jesus take the wheel.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Ketelone.com,

Way to be original.

Love,
Unsorted Mail

September 18, 2006

Dear Snake That I Passed On My Bike Ride,

Aaaand...we're pedaling faster.

Love,
Katie

Dear Fairfax County Library Fines,

I will pay you eventually. But if you and I are going to make this relationship work, you are going to have to not be so anal about time.

Love,
AE

September 17, 2006

Dear Week Of The Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere,

HELL YA!

Love,
Katie

Dear Apartment Suitemates,

Wasn't that fun today when our power was shut down because we didn't get our act together an set up an account with LA Water and Gas?

Love,
Jennifer

September 15, 2006

Dear Teacher From Charlie Brown,

What?!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Unemployment,

Wow, I've never had this much free time to spend shopping...or, um...saving.

Love,
Katie

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Why does it hurt my pride so much to have letters denyed by you when no one knows except me?

Love,
Chin

Dear Gummi Savers That Are Waaaaaaay Too Sweet,

Why do I knowingly keep eating you?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Hot Chocolate On My Ivory Colored Skirt,

Are you a sign of what the rest of my day is going to be like?

Love,
Danielle

September 14, 2006

Dear People Of Cooter, Missouri,

Do you not giggle every time you see your water tower?

Love,
Greg

Dear Woman Who Scolded Her 7-Year-Old Grandaughter Saying, "No Honey, We Don't Hate People. We Save Hate For Mosquitos, Spiders, And USC,"

Passionate, are we?

Love,
Katie

Dear Art History Textbook,

Now that you’ve managed to reference “nipple-berries”, I am slightly uncomfortable reading you.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear CAA And Whomever’s Idea It Was To Throw A Party With An Open Bar For Young Music Industry Professionals On A Work Night,

Seriously?

Love,
Erin & her hangover

Dear 5:30am,

Don't worry. I hate you too.

Love,
Chin

Dear Sister Who Said I Should Buy The Bike Because She Might Buy It From Me When I Realize That I Never Use It,

Umm...thanks. Love you too.

Love,
Katie

Dear Bag Boy,

Thanks for pointing out that I'm not buying a bottle of wine tonight.

Love,
Mist 1

September 13, 2006

Dear Bike Owners,

Ok...Kona Blast or Trek 4500 WSD? Thoughts?

Love,
Katie

Dear Food Pantry That I Am Converting Into A Closet So That I Can TRY To Fit All My Clothes In My New Apartment,

You bring a whole new meaning to the phrase, “put your money where your mouth is."

Love,
Sarah

Dear Fact That I Cried For 20 Minutes On The Phone With My Mom When I Saw That The “Small Difference” In My New Apartment Was The Size Of The Closet,

Yes, I realize I’m a brat and that I need a voice of reason…and a yard sale.

Love,
Sarah

September 12, 2006

Dear Afternoon Cup Of Coffee,

Why do you make me sweat?

Love,
Joe

September 11, 2006

Dear Remix Of 'We Belong Together',

Thats about as unnecessary as adding salt to one of Martha Stewart's casseroles. Don't mess with perfection.

Love,
Marie

Dear National Hand Sanitation Week,

Yeah, even thats not enough motivation for me.

Love,
Marie

Dear 4 Hour Nap,

Well, at least I know I'll be awake to see all of Monday night football.

Love,
Katie

Dear Macrumors.com,

Are there really that many people with that little to do in the world? And I thought I was wasting time.....

Love,
Kendall

Dear Person Living On My Couch,

I will be moving out in T-minus 48 hours and then the room intended for your inhabitation will be YOURS. Yes, we’re both happy.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Expensive Shampoo That I Use Everyday,

I just realized how funny it was that you smell like patchouli.

Love,
Katie

Dear Drive To Work On Monday Morning,

Why can't you be more like "Drive Home From Work Friday Evening"?

Love,
Stephen

Dear Cousin's Wedding,

Transportation to and from the reception, top shelf open bar, filet mignon, custom bottles of red and white wine as favors..... I DO!

Love,
Sarah Mac

September 10, 2006

Dear Grillsbypaulwall.com,

I was wondering if I could get a grill with braces...oh cool, that's in your FAQ section.

Love,
Chin

Dear "XL",

Why are you always the free t-shirt size?

Love,
Steph

September 08, 2006

Dear "Dinner And A Movie,"

Remember the Titans with black and white cheesecake? How clever of you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Boss That Asked Me About A Line Item On An Invoice,

Yes I did just say “pleasure sensitive”, instead of “pressure sensitive”…I feel dirty.

Love,
Lora

Dear High Of 61 Degrees,

I was so not ready for you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Facebook News Feed,

I think I was the only one who liked you.

Love,
Katie

Dear McDonald's Hot & Spicy Chicken Sandwich,

Hot damn! Wendy's spicy chicken is for wimps...you, are not.

Love,
Katie

Dear Gum,

Since I'm chewing you, can't you make me feel full?

Love,
Angela

September 07, 2006

Dear Campbells "Soup At Hand,"

You're not so handy when you heat up to hand-blistering degrees, are you?

Love,
Danielle

Dear David Spade And Heather Locklear's Split,

So Dave, looks like someone didn't take 'no' for an answer this time...

Love,
Marie

Dear First Pictures Of TomKats Baby,

WOAH! Is it just me or is your baby like 2?

Love,
Marie

Dear 12 Voicemails,

Hopefully some of the 12 will read this and know that I'm atleast aware of how terrible of a person I am.

Love,
Marie

September 06, 2006

Dear Maria Sharapova,

Prom night?

Love,
Katie

Dear Facebook,

Mini feeds=stalking.

Love,
Angela

Dear Fire Alarm in My Dorm That Went Off Right As I Got Out of the Shower,

As if my life wasn't awkward enough.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Oprah Who Just Said That She Doesn't Understand Why People Wait Years To Be In Her Audience,

Three words, Oprah: free car giveaway.

Love,
Katie

Dear Amelie Mauresmo,

You're just...how do I say this....not that easy to look at.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Who I Worked With At A Camp In 2002 Who I Recently Friended On Facebook,

Thanks for the invitation to join the "Awkward Facebook Encounters" group. How about you tell me what you really think.

Love,
Katie

September 05, 2006

Dear Puff Daddy,

Sorry, I meant Puffy...or P. Diddy...oh, just Diddy? My B.

Love,
Katie

Dear Professor Who Referenced The Feud That Exists Between The Two Most Well-Known All-Midget Kiss Cover Groups,

…and this applies to philosophy….how?

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Dawson's Creek Re-Runs,

My, what big words you high school kids use...including you, Pacey.

Love,
Katie

Dear Nice Evenings In Which To Drink Outside At A Bar,

I know your days are numbered as the winter approaches. Let's make these few moments we have together last for eternity.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Grandmother Who Said, "No One Told Me The Dog Had Sex Toys!" (Referring To The Stray Dog That You Took In That Humps Stuffed Animals),

Let's get back to G-rated, Nana.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Shakira Performing At The VMA's,

You sang off key, but even I am smart enough to know you aren't famous for your vocal abilities.

Love,
Casey

Dear Toes,

SUCK IT UP. Just because I am now living at 9,600ft doesn't mean the flip-flops are put away before October.

Love,
Taylor

September 04, 2006

Dear Guy Who Decided to Almost Hit Me As A Way Of Asking Me To Get Out Of The Middle Of The Road In The Parking Garage,

Why did I smile and do the "sorry" wave when I should have hit your new car with my umbrella?!

Love,
Casey

Dear "Fresh Prince" Theme Song,

I'm so glad I haven't forgotten you, and can still sing along word
for word.

Love,
Danielle

September 03, 2006

Dear Every Bird In Arlington,

Hey, guess what? There are other cars you can poop on besides mine.

Love,
Marie

Dear USC,

You recruit your quarterbacks based on attractiveness, don't you?

Love,
Katie

September 02, 2006

Dear K-Fed's New Music Video 'Lose Control',

'Lose your remote control' is a better title for identifying with the people that actually end up watching it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Nicole Richie,

That 2 page spread in US Weekly is the only thing you've been filling out lately.

Love,
Marie

Dear Internet Access,

You can run but you can't hide.

Love,
Marie

September 01, 2006

Dear Princial Of My "Underperforming Elementary School" In South Central Los Angeles,

Using the 50cent line "Ride or Die" as our faculty and staff motto for the year won't necessarily improve our test scores, but it did give me one hell of a laugh. You rock.

Love,
Jenny

Dear Paycheck,

Really? Because I thought I was supposed to make money once I got a real job with my college degree.

Love,
Meredith

Dear 8 Year Old With A Mohawk,

Oh how I hate to think what you will say to your parents 20 years from now.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Massive Traffic Diversion In Front Of My Apartment Complex,

Not going anywhere for a while? (open mouth, insert snickers)

Love,
Steph

Dear Guilty Pleasure of Listening to The Dirty Dancing Havana Nights Soundtrack,

Did I say that outloud?

Love,
Casey

August 31, 2006

Dear Boyfriend,

When I pointed out a cute pair of jeans and you said "I thought those were for tall, skinny girls?" exactly what does that make me?

Love,
Sarah Mac

Dear Guy In A Camo Painted Truck In The Kroger Parking Lot,

How artistic! Loved the army men and fake leaves hot glued to the hood! Just fabulous!

Love,
Chin

Dear Kevin Costner's "Waterworld,"

I don't know which is worse...the fact that tv networks still show you or the fact that I actually watched you for 2 minutes.

Love,
Steph

Dear 6:20am Flight Saturday Morning,

Thanks for ruining my Friday night plans.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Readers,

We need your help! Marie has no internet and I have no inspiration.

Please submit your ideas to unsortedmail@gmail.com!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Pink Polo Shirt,

A climber’s acrophobia is to Mount Everest, as my suppressed homophobia is to you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Mom,

No, you do not need to "borrow and break in" my new expensive jacket. Thanks for offering though.

Love,
Katie

August 29, 2006

Dear Ashton Kutcher's New Wedding Crashers Reality TV Show Based Off Of Punk'd,

My heart goes out to those bride's wedding receptions that you're going to ruin.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend's Cat That I'm Allergic To,

I may be allergic to you, but that plays no part in my kicking you when you try that "aren't I so cute because I'm rubbing my head on your leg" maneuver.

Love,
Ryan

Dear MTV's "Made" Participants,

What's with all the crying? You brought this upon yourself...If you
didn't want to do it, why the hell did you sign up?

Love,
Lauren

Dear Credit Card That I Accidentally Left At My Sister's Place In L.A. A Week Ago,

Please hurry home! I have my eye on an eBay item.

Love,
Katie

Dear Workplace I Have Returned To After A 4 Day Weekend,

While our time apart was refreshing and invigorating for me, I can see that you’ve decided to hold a grudge.

Love,
Kelly B.

Dear Tom Cruise,

My couch cushions need fluffing, think you can help?????

Love
Katie P.

Dear Gay Male Barista Who Calls Me Sweetheart,

I play for the other team, but thanks for the term of endearment.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Plants Slowly Dying In My Cubicle,

Yeah, me too.

Love,
Casey

Dear Mr. Karr,

WHY YOU LIE?!

Love,
Katie P.

August 28, 2006

August 27, 2006

Dear Steve Carell,

You're still a winner in my book.

Love,
Katie

Dear Hairstylest,

You know what was funnier than the fact that your best suggestion of how to make my haircolor look realistic was to dye my eyebrows the same color? When I let you do it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Exxon's Touch-Free Car Wash,

The only thing that sets you apart from a 3 minute rain shower is the $7 I just wasted.


Love,
Marie

Dear Kid On The Plane Next To Me,

NO, we're not there yet. NO, we're not there yet. NO, we're not there yet.

Love,
Marie

Dear Childhood Memories, Movie Quotes, What If's, And Deep Thoughts,

Oh! You're back...right as I turn out the lights. Insomnia here I come.

Love,
Katie

Dear Side Effects To The Medicine I'm Taking,

Ya, this feel worse before you feel better thing isn't really working for me.

Love,
Katie

August 25, 2006

Dear Apartment Leasing Office That Compared Mine & My Roommate's Lease To A Marriage,

Well, I'm filing for divorce.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thank you for allowing Erin and I cast our roommate woes onto the
internet with no fear of repercussion.

Love,
Ryan

Dear "Winner Of The Month" Plaque Hanging On My Office Wall,

You were the best $30 I ever spent. And you’re right: I am a winner.

Love,
Greg

Dear MySpace Technical Group,

I'm jealous of your job security.

Love,
Casey

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I spent my 1st 45 minutes at work reading you...and then I took a break.

Love,
Stephen

August 24, 2006

Dear Sally Fields,

Sure its the AARP Magazine, but atleast you made the cover!

Love,
Marie

Dear Head On,

Where do I apply it again?

Love,
Nina

Dear Nibblz On VH1's "Flavor Of Love",

When you said you wanted to be "thexy" for Flav…yeah, that was thuper thexy.

Love,
Lauren

Dear Astronomers Who Just Decided That Pluto Isn't A Planet,

My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine WHAT?

Love,
Lauren

Dear All Tax Accountants,

Curious as to what do you do from April to December? Solitaire? Snood? MASH?

Love,
Mike B

Dear Coffee Grinder That Broke This Morning When I Woke Up,

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Lack Of Ideas For Letters,

You are either telling me that I have lost all sense of humor or that my life is just THAT boring. Neither of which is a good sign.

Love,
Sarah

August 23, 2006

Dear Hairline,

Hey, where are YOU going?

Love,
Greg

Dear MTV's 'Next',

NEXT!

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy At A Bar Who Informed Me That "Only One In 500 People In The World Could Do His Job",

Well I did a little research and it turns out that, also, out of that 500, 1 person would be a parking attendant, 3 would be dishwashers, 6 would be barbers and you know what? 4 won't even make it past infancy. So... don't use that line to pick up women again. Ever.

Love,
Marie

Dear Paris Who, Like, Cries While Listening To Her Own CD,

Did you, like, cry when making your own record label too, or did you just cry when all the other record labels turned you down?

Love,
Steph

Dear "Barbara" From Coldplay's New Music Video,

Are you kidding me?

Love,
Katie

Dear Snakes On A Plane,

I can't believe nobody has submitted a letter about you yet.

Love,
Marie

August 22, 2006

Dear "The Ten-Day MBA,"

Where the hell were you two years ago?!

Love,
Greg

Dear Roommate With A New Puppy And Mommy Complex,

No, that is NOT "cute". That is urine. On my couch.

Love,
Erin

Dear Grey's Anatomy Season 2 DVD,

Come out now. I can’t wait three weeks to choose you over sleep.

Love,
Lora

Dear Generic Trash Bags,

You’re a great way to save money. That is, unless I want to use you to hold trash. In that case, I’m pretty screwed.

Love,
Greg

Dear Immune System,

I hope I didn’t offend you with that last letter but I’m really starting to miss you. Please come back. We can’t let it end this way.

Love,
Brando

Dear Every News Channel In Existence,

So John Marc Karr had pate and fried king prawns on his flight to the U.S.? Ya, he's definitely guilty.

Love,
Katie

Dear First Day Of Class Ice Breakers,

Behind The Knee Orange Pass? Cool, I mean, what would any other 22 year old in L.A. rather be doing?

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Business Man In Front Of Me At The Greek Restaurant Who Ordered A "Guy-ro" For Lunch,

Year-row, friend. Gyro.

Love,
Katie

August 21, 2006

Dear People Who Post Comments On Johnny Cash's MySpace Page,

Um, I hate to break it to you, but...

Love,
Katie

Dear Person On The Other End Of Cell Phone Of The Guy Standing Beside Me In The Elevator,

He said he’s in the ELEVATOR!!

Love, Greg

Dear "Fans Of Unsorted Mail,"

Why are you all so cute?! You’re making us ugly fans look bad!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Well-Endowed Lady At 24 Hour Fitness Without A Bra On,

Oh my grossness...are you there to workout or work it?

Love,
Angela

Dear Brooke Hogan,

The only person I hate more than you is me for knowing who you are.

Love,
Greg

August 18, 2006

Dear L.A. Traffic & Smog,

I had NO idea you could be THAT bad.

Love,
Katie

Dear Kate Hudson,

Call me!

Love,
Tim

August 17, 2006

Dear Travis Barker,

Are you sure you don't want to stay together for the kids?

Love,
Marie

Dear Alarm Clock,

You don't get a lot of positive reinforcement, do you?

Love,
Marie

August 16, 2006

Dear Apartment Complex At School That's Still Under Construction Leaving Me No Place To Live On Monday When School Starts,

Oh...so you're putting me up in a hotel with a maid service, free breakfast, free parking, a workout facility, pool, and a daily stipend for lunches and dinners? Ok...

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Project Runway,

What a terrible ending! I might actually write on a message board...for the first time ever.

Love,
Katie

Dear "Curb Your Wheels" Sign,

Why don't you include a picture? I didn't learn that one in Driver's Ed.

Love,
Danielle

Dear Flight Attendant On Half Full Flight Who Informed Us We Could Sit Where Ever We Wanted To,

Hey, just like a Clippers game!

Love,
Marie

Dear Glove Box,

Has anyone ever actually used you for gloves?

Love,
Marie

Dear Everyone,

Um... ouch? And I thought it was 'don't cry over spilled perfume'. What do you have to say to that?

Love,
Marie

Dear Photoshop,

Who knew that pasting friends' heads on different bodies and posting them as MySpace comments would be so much fun!

Love,
Katie

Dear AC/DC's "Highway To Hell,"

Your being stuck in my head last night was NOT conducive to falling asleep.

Love,
Steph

Dear Houseguest Who I've Allowed To Stay In My Extra Room For The Past 8 Months Without Charging Rent And Only Asking For Half Of The Utilities,

Contrary to what you might think, the trash cans don't have the
magical ability to teleport to the curb and back every Tuesday and
Saturday. You should investigate this phenomenon of them getting out
there more in depth.

Love,
Ryan

August 15, 2006

Dear Immune System,

I hope your two week vacation is going as poorly for you as it is for me.

Love,
Brando

Dear Marie,

So sorry, but I think it's "Don't cry over spilled milk."

Love,
Everyone

Dear Marie,

The correct phrase is “Don’t cry over spilled milk.” Better luck next time.

Sincerely,
Brando

Dear Marie,

I think you mean "Don't Cry Over SPILLED Milk."

Love,
Wedemeyer

Dear Laguna Beach & Project Runway,

On at the same time? Ugh, one Tivo to go please.

Love,
Katie

Dear Office Receptionist,

I didn't know Britney and K-Fed were clients of ours. Thanks for the research.

Love,
Mike B

Dear Orange,

On most things, you’re just fine, but on pants, I’m afraid you don’t belong. (Please inform Target.)

Love,
Greg

August 14, 2006

Dear Person Who Coined The Phrase "Don't Cry Over Spoiled Milk",

You obviously never accidentally drank the stuff.

Love,
Marie

Dear Johnny Depp,

You've been engaged like, what, four times? My love don't cost a thing.

Love,
Nina

Dear Job, Workplace, And Co-Workers,

As far as Unsorted Mail ideas go, without you, I got nothing.

Love,
Katie

Dear God-Knows-How-Old Frozen Burrito I Had For Lunch,

That noise my stomach is making? Yah, it does not translate into "Thank You."

Love,
Danielle

August 13, 2006

Dear Rainbow Chip Ice Cream,

We've been spending way too much time together . . I think we need to take a break.

Love,
Angela

Dear Computer,

You're a BAD BOY! Don't you ever freeze up on me like that again!

Love,
Katie

August 12, 2006

Dear Former Roommate Who Is Applying to Howard School of Divinity and Wants Me to Write a Character Reference,

Can I list all the times at 3 A.M. you would listen to cassettes of sermons and fall prostrate on the floor, rolling around and yelling in tongues? That was pretty divine.

Love,
Nina

Dear Boss Who Invited Her Friend's Son To "Come Visit" And Then Said "I'll Leave You Two Alone So You Can Chat" And Then Left The Room,

Subtle. reaaallly subtle.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Thank You For Smoking,

All I can think about when I watch you is how much I want a smoke.

Love,
Marie

August 11, 2006

August 10, 2006

Dear Matthew McConaughey At The Astros Game,

I may have stared at the back of your head during innings 3 through 7, but that was hands down the best game of my life.

Love,
Steph

Dear Driving Range,

I have officially been humbled...and embarassed.

Love,
Katie

Dear Jog After The Dinner I Described In The Previous Letter,

Better add Tums to the shopping list.

Love,
Marie

Dear Baked Bean & Swiss Cheese Omelet For Dinner,

You mean "time to go to the grocery store" in any language.

Love,
Marie

Dear Mom & Dad,

So I let you sucker me into taking a few ability tests and now you are suggesting that I join the Reading Center for the Vision Impaired. How could I have been so blind?!

Love,
Jean

Dear Paris Hilton,

After you stampeded our magazines and took charge of TV, its no wonder the airwaves just surrendered.

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie,

We're the only ones that ever comment.

Love,
Marie

Dear Hand Dryers In Public Restrooms,

Whats your point?

Love,
Marie

Dear Brown Out,

It took me a while to convince others that you exist and that you're indeed NOT a politically correct way of saying Black-Out. You're welcome.

Love,
Nina

Dear Money,

Where did you go?

Love,
Angela

Dear Ford Truck Driver Who Managed To Hit Both The Car Behind And In Front Of Him While Parallel Parking,

My first thought was: you're crazy... but when you started to complain that the car in front of you was over the line, I realized that you were psycho.

Love,
Jennifer

August 09, 2006

Dear Levi's Skinny Straight Jeans,

You're not really back, are you?

Love,
Katie

Dear Jeff Bagwell,

I totally made eye contact with you at Cafe Express...that is all.

Love,
Steph

Dear Co-Worker Who Doesn't Work Here Anymore,

Oh wait...that doesn't make sense....Dammit!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Facebook,

I'll never be too busy for you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Eating Cereal While Watching A Urine Gone Commercial,

Bad combo....BAD combo.

Love,
Katie

August 08, 2006

Dear Going Back To Work After A Four Day Weekend,

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Love,
Marie

Dear CVS Coupons That Come With My Reciept At Checkout,

Hmmm, save "$4 on any Diet/Nutrition purchase over $20" and "$5 off any L'oreal Acne Response Skin Care"... I hope you print out randomly.

Love,
Marie

Dear Airport Metal Detector,

It's an underwire. What kind of perv are you?

Love,
Annie

Dear Productivity,

I see you're taking the day off work, too.

Love,
Marie

Dear Fact That I'm Not Getting Married Anytime Soon,

This just in: Walking through Williams-Sonoma doesn't make you any easier.

Love,
Marie

August 07, 2006

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I’m SO sorry. I just realized that it’s almost 4 o’clock, and I haven’t visited you once today. Please forgive me. I promise to pay more attention to you tomorrow.

Love,
Lauren

Dear 8 Year Old Doing Back Handsprings Next To Me On The Stretching Mat At The Gym,

Okeydokey...so now I feel out of shape AND old/uncoodinated/untalented. Rock on.

Love,
Katie

Dear Life,

Today I was paid to play with colored pencils... I so totally win.

Love,
Dylan

Dear Lead Singer Of AFI,

The “stylist” at GreatClips short-changed you, dude. Demand a refund. Or at least half of one.

Love,
Greg

Dear Task Of Filing,

It's not you. It's me.

Love,
Casey

Dear "Juice King",

Now that I own you, I am able to conveniently peel, slice, and press 17 oranges in order to make half a glass of orange juice.

Love,
Scott

Dear Coworker I Share A Thin Wall With,

Did you really just say "All that and a box of Cheerios?"

Love,
Danielle

August 06, 2006

Dear Everyone Who's Afraid I Won't Be Updating This As Much Because I Have Moved To The Middle Of Nowhere,

You are SO wrong...and I mean that in a good way!

Love,
Katie

Dear Eastern Time Zone,

Should I watch "The Office" tonight, or is it just a rerun?

Love,
Tommy

August 04, 2006

Dear Couch In My Office,

Did you know I had a big lunch?

Love,
John

Dear Everyone At The Office Who Just Found Out About My Blog On My Last Day At Work,

You had no idea I was this funny, did you? BOOYA!

Love,
Katie

August 03, 2006

Dear Laptop Battery,

So hot right now.

Love,
Marie

Dear Hollandaise Sauce,

What do you mean?

Love,
Nina

Dear Alexander Graham Bell,

Nothing personal but I hate voicemail.

Love,
Marie

August 02, 2006

Dear Cute Starbuck’s Girl Who Said I Look Like A “Jason” As Opposed To A “Scott” (My Real Name),

Hmmm...ok.

Love,
Jason

Dear 80 Year Old Guy In My Ballroom Dance Class,

We all know it's a toupee, give it up.

Love,
Lora

Dear Compaq Armada 7400 Office Laptop Born in 1998,

Is the Intel really inside?

Love,
Nina

Dear Friend,

When I told you that there was a guy walking around the office looking for you, and your first question was, "Does he look like a cop???" Yeah…I'm concerned.

Love,
Sarah

July 31, 2006

Dear Two Runs To Wendy's Within The Same Hour Last Saturday Night,

Wait...did I just admit that I did that?

Love,
Katie

Dear Girl Who I Live Through Vicariously As You Play On The Internet,

So, my creepy ways and occasional contributions to sudoku don’t help
you out? That is OK…because one day we will be sudoku
champions…together.

Love,
Scott

Dear Unforgiving Jeans,

Would it help if I went to confession?

Love,
Sarah

Dear Over 100 Hits On Unsorted Mail Today,

I'm blushing!

Love,
Marie

Dear Inbox,

I wish you were more exciting.

Love,
Marie

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I'm sick of thinking in letter form...You make me get on my OWN nerves.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Paul Walker,

If we were to ever have sex, I'd need to put a paper bag over your acting.

Love,
Casey

Dear Microsoft Windows AutoCorrect,

im lost wihtou tyou.

Love,
MArie

July 30, 2006

Dear Febreeze Bathroom Spray,

Forget what Dr. Phil says. You are the secret to successful relationships.

Love,
Marie

Dear Chik-Fil-A,

After all that I've done for you, and you still treat me like this on Sundays.

Love,
Marie

Dear Mailer-Daemon,

You deserve a vacation.

Love,
Marie

July 28, 2006

Dear Grown Man Standing Outside Of My Apartment Complex,

The fact that you were so freaked out by my pair of 3 pound yorkie pups that you ran off and lost your shoe when you saw them really disturbs me. So much for a neighborhood watch group.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Mountain Bike With Really Cool Shocks,

You make riding the Indianapolis sidewalks more extreme than ever.

Love,
Scott

Dear Gossiping Co-Workers,

Your constant hen pecking just makes me happier that I'm not you. Have another muffin as you gripe about your husband's roving eye.

Love,
Allison

Dear People Who Begin Sentences With "Well Aren't WE _____..." When They Are Only Talking About Me,

Stop it.

Love,
Marie

July 27, 2006

Dear Pam & Kid,

So I hear your having a Nashville wedding. Me plus one guest please. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Coworker Who Left Spilled Milk In His Mini Fridge For 3 Plus Months And Is Just Now Trying To Clean It,

Dammit Jordan!

Love,
Katie & Everyone Else You Work With

Dear Apartment,

Pack yourself up - I'm leaving you! And let's just say size DOES matter.

Love,
Casey

Dear Inventor Of The Motorized Cooler,

Thank you. Now, I have a classy place to put my Natty Light.

Love,
Scott

Dear Unsorted Mail,

After reading the entirety of your archives last night, my husband is now thinking aloud in letter form only. It's going to make the roadtrip from LA to Houston either totally awesome or really looong. Thanks.

Love,
Sarah

July 26, 2006

Dear Www.odetojaeger.blogspot.com,

I'm willing to believe Jaeger does deserve its own blogspot.

Love,
Marie

Dear Computer Programming Company Employee Who Will Be Attending A Coworker's Bachelor Party This Weekend,

So instead of getting a stripper will y'all slowly take apart an iMac while "Pour Some Sugar On Me" plays in the background and the iMac rotates around a pole?

Love,
Katie

Dear AP Story "Lance Bass of 'N Sync Reveals He's Gay",

You call that breaking news? Try reporting something I don't already know...

Love,
Katie

Dear Joe Dirt Lookalike At The Astros Game,

Did you really just scream "KISS MY GRITS" at the top of your lungs?

Love,
Steph

Dear Friend Who Wanted To Take Multiple Shots Before A Lunch Date To Calm Themselves Down,

I'm not sure that smelling like tequila at noon is the the best way to get to date #2.

Love,
Katie