Dear "Mocha",

I'm flattered that you followed me in the bathroom to ask for my number. Unfortunately you'd need more balls (literally) to get it.

Love,
Jenny

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.6

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Please leave me alone. I am supposed to be working.

Love,
Jason

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.6

Dear Steve Carell/Michael Scott,

I can't believe you're leaving The Office! This is huge!...THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!

Love,
Katie

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.6

Dear New Evo 4G,

I love you...except when you auto correct my texts to say "Lay me" instead of "Let me".

Love,
Katie

Dear Cute Terry Cloth Romper I Tried On,

For a pool party...probably not. For the Miss New Booty music video...definitely.

Love,
Katie

Dear Sunburn,

You weren't the accessory I was hoping to wear for my work presentation.

Love,
Katie

Dear Boyfriend,

Although wearing a Backstreet Boys t-shirt to my high school reunion would have been hilarious, thank you for having a spare real shirt in your car.

Love,
Steph

Dear Party in The USA,

I will be on the lake today. And you will be on repeat.

Love,
Katie

Dear Gourmet Cheeses,

Please go on sale. Permanently.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Walmart Shopper Who Offered to Help Me Select a Good Wine,

Thank you for the Boone's Farm recommendation. I'm going to have to pass.

Love,
Katie

Dear Radio DJs,

As a general rule, you should not be on billboards or TV.

Love,
Katie

Dear Biscotti,

I can't explain it, but I like you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Tool Academy,

Why is that girl giving away roses?

Love,
Katie

Dear High School Reunion,

You were kind of like the last scene in Lost...but way less meaningful.

Love,
Sarah I.

Dear Very Competitive Aggie Husband,

If A&M and Vanderbilt end up in the same conference, college football season is going to have a lot more riding on it this fall. After all, the SEC can only have one whipping boy and I feel like Vandy's time is up...

Love,
Sarah

Dear Fellow World Cup Watcher,

If you don't enjoy soccer, that's fine. But please don't come to watch the World Cup where I am and then criticize the game of soccer as silly and boring. You know, there's a reason it's the most popular game in the world. Maybe it's the Indian, not the arrows, friend.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sierra Club,

Remember that time you cut down all those trees in order to fill my mailbox with junk mail? Why don't you just send us letter printed on baby seal skin?

Love,
Seth & Julie

Dear High School Reunion,

Number of people that I flat out didn't recognize = 3. Win.

Love,
Katie

Dear Houston Heat,

Uncool.

Love,
Katie

Dear Robert Green,

Tough break...I'd be happy to console you.

Love,
Summer

Dear Facebook,

Reason #451 why I have a love/hate you: You take the mystery out of high school reunions.

Love,
Katie

Dear Woman In The Grocery Store Parking Lot Who Walked By My Open Driver's Side Window Right As Steve Miller Band Was Cat Calling In "The Joker",

Awk-waaarrrd.

Love,
Katie

Dear BCS Conference Realignments,

You remind me of my sorority rush days...and that speed dating phase I went through...wait, what?

Love,
Katie

Dear Dad Who Called USC's 2 Year Post Season Ban "Pretty Much The Death Penalty",

Close...yet so far away.

Love,
Katie

Dear Friend Who Told My Co-Workers That I'm on E-Harmony,

Karma's a bitch.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Train in the iTunes Top Selling Song List,

Is it still 1996?

Love,
Katie

Dear Realtor Who Said How Amazing It Is That "Only A Few Years Ago There Were Rats In The Condo Building",

Timeout, how long have you been a realtor?

Love,
Katie

Dear Middle Schooler Who Said "Gen-UH-tile" Instead of "Gentile,"

Not laughing at that was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done.

Love,
Seth

Dear Co-Worker I Just Caught Watching Porn,

It was really funny when you tried to hit minimize, and hit maximize instead.

Love,
Kat

Dear 5th Grade Class,

Thanks for not paying attention to me at all during that moment yesterday when I mis-typed Peninsula and instead typed Penis. On the board. While you were supposed to be watching.

Love,
Your technology teacher

Dear Toaster Oven That Caught On Fire, Evacuated Everyone In My Office Building, & Alterted The Entire Fire Department That MY Toast Was to Blame,

Thanks for that.

Love,
Caroline

Dear Twilight,

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Love,
Jenny

Dear Mother of My Now Ex Boyfriend Who Thinks I'm a Great Catch and Is Praying For a "Hot" Husband For Me,

I appreciate the sentiment. Really, I do. But it might be better in the future to keep those prayers between you and God.

Love,
Beth

Dear 10 Year High School Reunion Evite RSVP List,

Who are these people?

Love,
Katie

P.S. Anyone know where I can find a pimp and a Ferrari?

Dear Realator Who Told Me I Could Throw A Halloween Party & Dress As A Nun in My Catholic Church Turned Condo,

Something tells me you've done this before.

Love,
Katie

Dear Work Sponsored River Float Trip Invite,

Work is to bathing suits as orange juice is to toothpaste. Decline.

Love,
Katie

Dear Readers,

Send us your letters (unsortedmail@gmail.com) por favor!

Love,
Katie

Dear Axe Shampoo,

If 94% of girls you've surveyed agree that greasy, dirty hair doesn't look good on a boy...could I get phone numbers for the other 6%?

Love,
Chris

Dear Spontaneously Running In A 5K Fun Run After 3 Beers,

I've had better ideas.

Love,
Katie

Dear Unsorted Mail Face Mini Lift That Seemed To Easy To Be Real,

Did that just work?

ohoh.oh.ohoh.oh.oh...oh...my...gosh.

Love,
Katie