April 29, 2006

Dear National Service Project Called "Christmas In April",

Well excuuuuse me, but is the NFL draft not enough of a Christmas in April for you?

Love,
Marie

April 28, 2006

Dear Usher,

I JUST SAW YOU IN GEORGETOWN!!!!!

Love,
Marie

Dear 4:00,

It's 5:00 somewhere.

Love,
Marie

Dear Friend Who Went To The Restroom When The Bill Came,

Touché.

Love,
Greg

Dear Airport Security,

Why can I not have a half-sized lighter, but I can have up to 6 books of matches?

Love,
Russ

Dear Friendly Greeter at the Grocery Store,

Your foot-long rat tail is the opposite of a friendly greeting.

Love,
Marie & Gregory

Dear Old Man Who Found Out I Was From Houston,

Ya, don't even try to play the name game. Trust me, I don't know them.

Love,
Katie

April 27, 2006

Dear Old Man In That Works Out Every Day In Boxers That Say 'Moon' Across The Butt,

Is that a promise or a threat?

Love,
Marie

Dear Administrative Professionals Day,

Wouldn't most administrative professionals have to remind their bosses that this day is on their calendar?

Love,
Katie

Dear Smart Start Cereal Sitting In My Office Kitchen,

Are you implying the 700 calorie bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit I had for breakfast was a "Stupid Start?"

Love,
Gregory

Dear Same Waiter Second Time In A Row,

Whoops! Should've tipped better last time.

Love,
Marie

April 26, 2006

Dear American Idol Contestant Kellie Pickler,

I'm so glad that votefortheworst.com is backing you 100% to keep us all entertained!

Love,
Josh

Dear Dancing Pole At Club Where I'm Singing Tonight,

You shed a whole new light on the manager's agreement to book me to "perform here".

Love,
Wertz

Dear Marie Who Failed The Praxis Exam,

Praxis makes perfect.

Love,
Lambert

Dear Face Breaking Out,

Correct me if I'm wrong but weren't you soooo 8 years ago?

Love,
Marie

Dear Early Bird,

SHHHHH!

Love,
Marie

April 25, 2006

Dear "Shhhhh",

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're in the top 5 least used expressions typed over Instant Messenger.

Love,
Katie

Dear Bird That Chirps Incessantly Outside My Window Every Morning Starting At 3:30am,

Let me guess. You got the worm today and you're going for it again tomorrow.

Love,
Marie

April 24, 2006

Dear Sorority Sister Who Just So Happens To Be Dating Kasey Kahne,

OMG!

Love,
Katie & Marie

Dear Monk-e-mail,

I'm addicted.

Love,
Marie

Dear Vacation,

See ya Wednesday! Let's get drunk together.

Love,
Russ

Dear Trendy Bar That I Went To On Friday Night,

You were SUCH a fun place to people-watch...until I realized that people were people-watching me...so I left.

Love,
Katie

Dear Monday,

I'm not sure we'll ever be friends.

Love,
Katie

Dear McDonalds,

Seeing the nutritional facts printed on the box of medium fries that I ordered on Saturday at midnight was not the highlight of my weekend.

Love,
Katie

Dear BellSouth DSL,

Thanks to you, I procrastinate on my schoolwork at SIX TIMES the speed!!!

Love,
Greg

April 22, 2006

April 21, 2006

Dear Ashley Parker Angel,

No, seriously, your music is still not any good. I don't feel sorry for you.

Love,
Wedemeyer

Dear Jinxing Myself,

I didn't believe in you until I randomly said "That would suck if my hard drive crashed!" and two days later my hard drive crashed.

Love,
Marie

Dear Friend Who Once Said "You'd Have To Be Retarded To Fail The Praxis Exam",

I failed the Praxis exam yesterday.

Love,
Marie

Dear Pimento Cheese,

I think I'd feel better about you if I knew what pimentos were.

Love,
Marie

Dear Boss,

You know when I wished you happy 4-20 yesterday? You know I was kidding, right? Ehhh...Dangit...

Love,
Katie

Dear Company IT Guy,

I didn't mean to ruin our Star Trek conversation about your son-in-law's replica "shuttle craft" by calling it a spaceship. That's my bad. Looking back I should have just dropped the Vulcan deuce and excused myself.

Love,
Jeremy

April 20, 2006

Dear People Who Like This Blog,

Fans Unite! We started a myspace group called "Fans of Unsorted Mail" because we think we're awesome (you included)! Check it out at http://groups.myspace.com/unsortedmail. Y'all are the best! Whatcha wanna woo woo!

Love,
Katie & Marie

Dear Coworker Who Called Me "A Good Eater",

I only had 6 minuature Twix bars, a mini Kit Kat, and half of a granola bar. You got a problem with that?

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy With The "Kerry/Edwards '04" Sticker On His Car,

You are the saddest person in America.

Love,
Greg

Dear Unsorted Mail,

The only ideas that I have for letters involve high gas prices or TomKat's baby...and that's just depressing.

Love,
Katie

Dear Roommate,

Don't ever follow me into the laundry room and fart in that small enclosed area while I'm trying to move my clothes to the dryer. It wasn't funny last night, and it won't ever be.

Love,
Katie

April 19, 2006

Dear James Blunt,

Male guitarists and purposely messed up hair were so five minutes ago.

Love,
Jordan

Dear Old Men In Spandex With Goggles Playing Raquetball At My Gym,

Remind me to be you for Halloween next year.

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy With A Beard That Makes Him Look Like A Genie,

Okay, I have three wishes. One: I wish your goatee was made of bees. Two: I wish you were violently allergic to bees. Three: I wish-- oh, crap. I should have asked for the Waverunner first.

Love,
Greg

Dear Wikipedia,

I learn more from you than I ever did in college. Thanks for making me look like a genius at work.

Love,
Russ

Dear Soduko,

I would like my soul back.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Dream Last Night,

You know that part when I almost got a boob job but didn't because that would have meant that I would be bandaged up and couldn't go out on Thursday night...ya, that was weird.

Love,
Katie

April 18, 2006

Dear Kip,

I just had cereal and beer for dessert. We should really consider collaborating on our meals.

Love,
Marie

Dear Subway,

So I can lose weight if I get the 6-inch veggie-no-cheese every day for lunch, eh? Okay, great, I’ll take one of those and 15 peanut butter cookies.

Love,
Greg

Dear Fireworks Display Over The Monuments Last Night,

I'm glad to know that the government likes celebrating tax day by wasting our tax dollars.

Love,
Marie

Dear Diet Rockstar Energy Drink,

You make me feel like I'm drinking a tall boy at work...and that's fun.

Love,
Katie

Dear Virginia Custom License Plates,

I don't know if the fact that BLOGGR is already taken is scary or awesome.

Love,
Marie

Dear Mac,

I can't believe I'm saying this, but... you're actually kinda cool. Don't tell my Dell.

Love,
Marie

April 17, 2006

Dear Southwest Airlines,

Only you would have an inflight easter egg hunt. And I respect that.

Love,
Marie

Dear $25 Change Fee On The Flight I Slept Through, $10 Cab To Tow Lot, and $100 Towing Fee,

What better way to kick off a payday weekend?!

Love,
Marie

Dear Friends Who Went On The Easter Egg Hunt With Me,

Did anyone else feel like they were on a community service walk? Maybe it was the plastic Kroger bags we were carrying around.

Love,
Katie

Dear Bed,

Yeah, yeah. You try making yourself every morning.

Love,
Marie

Dear David Blaine,

Gonna live in an aquarium for a week, eh? So did like NO ONE pay attention to you when you were a kid?!

Love,
Greg

Dear Self,

Was ice cream and coffee really the best breakfast combination you could come up with? Me hurts.

Love,
Kip

Dear Easter Candy in the Office Kitchen,

It doesn't matter that you're wrapped individually. I'm going to eat too many of you anyway.

Love,
Erin

Dear Uncle Sam,

Can't wait to eat ramen and water for the next month. Really, you'd do much better with my money anyway. I'm serious. Thank you.

Love,
Mike B

April 14, 2006

Dear Office Desk Calendar,

Thanks for reminding me that April 16th was Canada Census Day. I had almost forgotten!

Love,
Katie

Dear Friends Who Are Getting A Pony Keg For Their 8AM Garage Sale,

Way to take it to the next level, boys.

Love,
Katie

Dear Newish Trendy Sushi Restaurant That Denied My Friend Entry Becuase He Was Wearing Shorts,

Umm...just thought that I'd remind you that you're in Nashville...Tennessee...Good luck getting business buddy.

Love,
Katie

Dear Frat Guys/Sorority Girls Walking Down The Street In Madras Pants And Go Go Boots,

1970's Caddy Shack party? Whatever it is, I'm jealous.

Love,
Katie

April 13, 2006

Dear B.O.,

Woah! That's me!

Love,
Marie

Dear Kasey Kahne,

As if I needed one more reason to be obsessed.

Love,
Marie

April 12, 2006

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Solid performance today. Like a rock.

Love,
Mike B

Dear K-Fed,

Just when the Macarena starts to get tired, you come along and save the day with PopoZão!

Love,
Marie

Dear Office Pool Of The Day: Bet On The Weight Of Our Coworker's New Baby,

I think it's official...our building has a gambling problem.

Love,
Katie

Dear Homeschool,

Every day is like a class reunion. And I love it.

Love,
Marie

Dear Chik-Fil-A,

I'll take the #5 with some extra packs of liquid crack... er I mean Polynesian Sauce.

Love,
Marie

Dear Illegal Immigrants,

Am I the only one who can't get past "illegal"? What's the discussion about?

Love,
Jonathan

Dear Katie,

I can't say that I did eat raw spaghetti as a kid, but I sure did love that dry Tang powder.

Love,
Wendy

Dear DJ On The Radio,

Wait, that last song was by who? Papa Dookie? Or was it Pop A Dookie?

Love,
Katie

Dear So NoTORIous,

Confession for the day: You're my newest guilty pleasure...I mean, who said that?

Love,
Katie

Dear Woman In Line Behind Me At Starbucks,

You're soooo going to hold on to your empty cup for a good half hour at work this morning just to look cooler. Well... you and me both, sister.

Love,
Marie

April 11, 2006

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I'll give you $50 if you post just one of my letters.

Love,
Ralphie J.

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

Have you ever considered making a movie without an unbottoned-white-shirt-in-the-rain scene? Not that I'm complaining...

Love,
Marie

April 10, 2006

Dear Two People Who Simultaneously Asked If I Was From Texas,

How'd y'all know?!

Love,
Marie

Dear Neighbors Who Have The "Elect John Arriola For Country Clerk" Signs In Their Yard,

You're clearly more mature than I am...did you know that your sign says Arriola?

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy In Coffee Shop Playing WordTrain On Your Electronic Pocket Dictionary,

Hmmm... For some reason I doubt you've thought to try this one: Laundromat.

Love,
Marie

Dear Inside Joke,

Don’t forget to watch out for Chad’s sandals! LOL!!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Slimming Changing Room Mirror,

Screw these pants, how much are you?

Love,
Greg

April 09, 2006

Dear Female Christian Remix Of Rascal Flatts' God Bless The Broken Road',

It was only a matter of time.

Love,
Marie

Dear Sunday Morning CMT Top 20 Countdown,

You make a great alternative to church.

Love,
Marie

April 07, 2006

Dear Legos,

Despite the limitations that you placed on my color schemes, it's safe to say I loved you as much as any kid could.

Love,
Marie

Dear Marie,

Sounds like someone needs a happy hour.

Love,
Kip

Dear Lunch Break That I Forgot About By 2 Hours,

I guess I'm not hungry since [insert airline here] has been feeding me crap all morning.

Love,
Marie

Dear Automated Voice On 800 Number Who Just "Apologized For The Wait" For The 8th Time,

You're going to be apologizing for alot more than the wait when someone finally picks up the damn phone.

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie/Readers Who DID Eat Raw Spaghetti As A Kid,

Did you also used to drink vinegar and pretend like it was water in front of your mom? Anyone? Anyone?

Love,
Marie

Dear Sweatband,

You may not make me look cooler, but you definitely make me feel cooler.

Love,
Greg

Dear Readers,

Did anyone else eat raw spaghetti as a kid, or was that just me?

Love,
Katie

Dear Chick That Ignored Me At The Gym,

Hey, that’s okay, baby. You couldn’t handle all 31 of my BMI even if you tried.

Love,
Greg

Dear Compulsive MySpace Survey Bulletin-ers,

Just wanted to let you know that I have pretty much no interest in your first thought when you wake up, the last time you passed out, your mother's hometown, what your ringtone is, and your favorite Golden Girl.

Love,
Katie

April 06, 2006

Dear Twenty Gigantic Tour Buses Idling Outside The Mall On Wednesday Night,

Even you couldn't have prepared me for that many middle-schoolers.

Love,
Marie

Dear Travelocity, Orbitz, CheapTickets, Expedia, Etc.,

I'm sorry but in what language does "lower fares" translate to "tickets priced exactly the same as the individual airlines website"?

Love,
Marie

Dear Skinny Girl At The Gym Who Works Out In Just A Sports Bra And Bike Shorts,

I hope you die a slow, painful death.

Love,
Ginger

Dear Friend Who Will Remain Anonymous,

Remember that story you told about accidentally dropping your used wad of toilet paper and watching it roll under the stall next to you that your coworker was using? Ya...that's still my favorite story of 2006.

Love,
Katie

Dear (Single) Woman Who Spoke At My "It's Okay To Be Single" Women's Gathering,

When your advice was to "pray, believe, wear my hair swooped across one eye, and go to baseball games", I can't help but feel like what you meant was "its not okay that you are still single."

Love,
Marie

Dear Guy At Panera Taking My Lunch Order,

You're unbelievable. When I asked for a sandwich with no onions, did you really just respond by saying, "They're premade. Unless you want to wait AN HOUR, you'll have to order it as is."?

Love,
Katie

Dear Computer That Restarts Every Time I Try To Watch A Funny Video At Work,

That is so not funny.

Love,
Lea

Dear Howie Mandel,

Every time I see you on “Deal or No Deal,” all I can think about is “Bobby’s World.” And I get really scared.

Love,
Greg

April 05, 2006

Dear Leggings,

I wish I could pull you off, like, not literally pull you off, but pull you off.

Love,
Katie

Dear MySpace Friends,

How come no matter how many of you I feel like I get, I always seem to just have 76 when I check?
Errr... what I meant to write was: that would be so lame if I actually cared how many of you I had...

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie Couric,

When you make the move to CBS Evening News, how about you stop awkwardly flirting with all of your male interviewees.

Love,
Katie

April 04, 2006

Dear Katie's Co-Workers Who Keep Asking Her To Treat Them To Lunch With Her Bracket Winnings,

Back off, bitches!

Love,
Marie

Dear Mirror,

I wish you had more of a reputation as a liar. As it is, I must believe that I did, in fact, spend the entire day looking this much like a middle aged music teacher.

Love,
Marie

Dear $4 Latte From Starbucks,

You rob me, I rob you. Thanks for the handful of Splenda packets I grabbed on my way out.

Love,
Marie

Dear eBay Item #6267988065,

I'm seriously thinking about spending my March Madness winnings on you.

Love,
Katie

Dear TJMaxx,

The fact my boss requested that I schedule time for us indicates that:
a) my job rocks
b) my clothes are looking tired
c) she's in touch with what my paycheck looks like
d) all of the above

Love,
Marie

Dear Hand Eye Coodination,

Seriously, why can't you be a little better so that I don't have to suck so badly at high fiving? My biggest fear today? More awkward big-wind-up-but-just-pinky-to-pinky-missed-high-fives. So embarassing.

Love,
Katie

Dear Oasis,

You win. You were drunker than me. I don't know how you do it.

Love,
Kip

April 03, 2006

Dear "Friends" Who Are Cheering For UCLA,

I guess you don't want an invitation to the keg party I'm going to throw with my prize money after Florida wins.

Love,
Katie

Dear Bouquet That Was Thrown At Wedding Reception,

I was excited to catch you, until my cousin caught the garter. What does that mean?

Love,
Marie

Dear Bar That I Shut Down Too Many Nights In A Row,

Ouch.

Love,
Marie

Dear Pot Of Coffee The I've Been Drinking From Down The Hall,

Based on the fact that I can't keep my eyes open and it's 1:30pm, I'm going to go ahead and guess that you're decaf...and good for nothing.

Love,
Katie

Dear Tuscaloosa,

Having an old Alabama football game playing on ESPN2 at the bar is one thing, cheering in unison during touchdowns as if it's live is another.

Love,
Katie