Dear Comb-Over,

You aren't fooling anyone.

Love,
Rachel

Dear Man That Interviewed Me for a Job,

The booger in your nose made it really difficult for me to look you in the eye. Please don't hold that against me.

Love,
Caroline

Dear "The Real Housewives of Orange County,"

Why can't I stop watching your train wreck of a tv show?

Love,
Jade

Dear Christmas Cards From All Of My Friends,

Thanks for making my kids look average.

Love,
Jayne

Dear Workplace Toilet That Almost Overflowed When I Tried To Flush Down My Deuce,

If you ever scare me like that again, I am going to beat the crap out of you.

Love,
Seth

Dear High School Boyfriend,

It was nice to see you at the reunion. I see that my prayer for you to be runover by a truck for dumping me for that cheerleader went unanswered. But your beer belly, 6 screaming children, and video game addiction will do just fine.

Love,
Ashley

Dear 365 Beer Game,

It's hard to tell if you have made my life complete or ruined it.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear High School Boyfriend,

I wasn't fat! But your words sure haunted me for a long time. Oh, and I heard you're bald now, so maybe it's karma.

Love,
B.

Dear Saturday Night When Five Of My Guy Friends And I Danced Together To Techno Music,

We've decided to never speak of that night again so if you could, you know, not talk about it either, we'll be your best friends.

Love,
Michael

Dear Hairstylist in Miami Who With A Snip of Your Scissors Changed My Life,

Thank you for giving me a reason to move to Miami. See you soon!

Love,
Ashley in DC

Dear Meatloaf,

Who would have thought that a loaf of meat could be so good?

Love,
Matt

Dear Numerous Unsorted Mail Posts Bitchin About The Cold Weather,

Welcome! From Colorado...where the f*** have you been?

Love,
Kendall

Dear Bacon,

Thank you.

Love,
Matt

Dear Middle-Aged Men Who Wear A Bluetooth Set EVERYWHERE Even Though They Are Never On The Phone,

I know you think you're hip to our generation, but you really just look stupid. And when we smile at you, it's not because we think you're cool, it's becuase we're laughing at you. And let's be honest, you're not going to get a phone call while you're sitting in church.

Love,
JC

Dear Towing Company,

You thought I wouldn't walk the 5 miles from the Red Door to your towing establishment in 20 degree weather and claim my truck at 3:30am. I hope you learned your lesson.

Love,
Michael

Dear Non-Fat Sugar-Free Instant Banana Pudding,

You're scaring me.

Love,
Marie

Dear Lady Giving Voicemail Instructions,

How many people in the history of voicemail have actually pressed 2 to leave a numeric page?

Love,
Marie

Dear Katie,

Remember me?

Love,
Marie

Dear Blogger,

Let's make a deal. You get me a computer and I'll pay more attention to you.

Love,
Marie

Dear Food Network's "$40 A Day,"

What better way to spend 30 minutes of my day than to watch Rachel Ray eat and eat and eat...

Love,
Katie

Dear House That I Have Been ICED In For 5 Days With A Toddler,

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock
Tick, TIck, TICk, TICK...BOOM!!!

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Winter Weather,

I thought your invitation got lost in the mail or something. I'm glad you decided to show up.

Love,
Michael

Dear Mother Nature,

You're a cruel cruel bitch sometimes, you know?

Love,
Becky (& the Midwest)

Dear College Drinking Tolerance,

Come back. I miss you.

Love,
Kathleen

Dear Guy Who Consistently Exits the Men's Bathroom IMMEDIATELY After Flushing the Toilet and Gives Me A Wink As We Pass in the Hall,

Gross.

Love,
Martha

Dear Pimp Standing In Front Of Me In The Traffic Violations Line @ The Metro Court House,

The fur hat, the gold chains, the sunglasses in a room with no windows...you're an inspiration.

Love,
Michael

Dear Me, Staring At My Screen, Trying To Come Up With A Witty Letter For Unsorted Mail,

Don't force it. It will come to you when you least expect it.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Annoying Co-Worker With The Abnoxiously Loud And Irritating Ringtone,

Cell phones these days come equipt with a vibrate feature. Figure yours out. Now.

Love,
SMAT

Dear Apple Computer Inc., Now Known As Apple Inc.,

Why do you torture me with your constant dazzle and shameless product updates such as the new iPhone? I can't quit you!

Love,
Kendall

Dear Ohio State,

Never underestimate the toughest conference in college football.

Love,
Meredith

Dear Gnarls Barkley's "Gone Daddy Gone" Video,

You're like a mix between porn and Kafka. Classy.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Why do you insist on building my hopes up for a winning season only to have them crash down into a horrific pit of fiery, depressing, bang-my-head-against-the-wall, stare-into-nothingness, all-hope-is-lost Hell?

Love,
Tony

Dear Old Lady Who Flipped Me Off On The Freeway For Not Getting Out Of Her Way Fast Enough,

You should probably remove the bumper sticker that says, "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."

Love,
Angela

Dear Weight Gain,

You're late, and now I don't want to.

Love,
Michael

Dear Random friends I Never Talk To Who Included Me On Their Mass Merry Christmas/Happy New Year Text Messages,

Unsubscribe.

Love,
Meredith

Dear Washington Redskins,

Why can't you win DURING THE SEASON instead of during the OFFSEASON!?

Love,
Trey

Dear Ex-Girlfriend Making Me Explain To Her Again, On New Year's Eve, Why We Broke Up,

Among other things, I want kids and you don't.

Love,
Michael

Dear Homeless Guy Who Joined Our New Years Eve Party,

That's the sign of a good party.

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Friday Night,

How YOU doin'?

Love,
Stephen

Dear Drunk Gentleman Who Walked Through The Wendy's Drive-Thru At 2:30 AM On Jan. 1st And Charmed The Workers With A Drunken Shout Of, "COME OOOOON!"

Wanna be friends?

Love,
Michael

Dear Junior High Girlfriend,

I finally learned how to French.

Not a strong reason for the break up.

Love,
Chris

Dear Grandma,

Thanks for the "WOW 2006 Best Christian Hits." Can I have a reciept now?

Love,
Chin

Dear Credit Card Debt,

Hey!...Wait up!!

Love,
Greg

Dear Grocery Store Cashier,

Just to clarify: That old folded reciept that fell out of my purse onto your check out line was not me slipping you my number.

Love,
Katie

Dear 2007,

My New Year's resolution will be to stop procrastinating in 2008.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Guy Who I Let Enter Subway Ahead Of Me,

Thanks for returning my kindness by ordering 8 sandwiches when I was in a hurry.

Love,
Courtney

Dear Friends Who Invited Me Over To Their New Years Eve Parties,

Thanks for being so kind to your only single friend visiting from another state, but standing by myself at midnight doesn't really sound appealing. I'll pass on being the 9th wheel. At that point, I'd rather be at home with my parents.

Love,
JC