Dear Block of Sharp Cheddar and Pretzels,

We are making a Sunday afternoon tradition. That was glorious.

Love,
Phoebe

Dear iTunes Free TV Shows,

Thank you for making the workouts less painful.

Love,
Carrie

Dear 6 Year Old Girl I'm Nannying,

Is it really necessary to carry around your Barbies in a Coach bag? Thank you for making me realize that I am poorer than you.

Love,
Carrie

Dear Mexico,

Please send some people to England. There are no taco stands and the salsa tastes Italian. The market is wide open.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Random People Who Keep Wanting To See Me Before I Leave For Europe,

If we never want to see each other normally, the fact that I'm going on the trip changes nothing.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Online Class,

How did I get a low score in attendance this week? I was online alot; checking facebook, myspace, I even watched some youtube videos and wikipediaed some stuff. I was there. I just got lost and couldn't find the classroom.

Love,
Chin

Dear English Person,

I am sorry for referring to you as British. I had no idea.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Job Fair Interviewer,

You just glanced at my resume and asked me 5 questions. Now, you're offering me the job? Can you say, "red flag?"

Love,
Steph

Dear British Food,

Thank you for being better than every diet I've tried.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Masters Degree,

You are just an excuse for me to not have to be grown up quite yet. Just thought you should know.

Love,
Beth

Dear Guy Who Talked To Me On Google Chat For 2 Hours Last Night,

Will you just ask me out already?!

Love,
Kendra

Dear Girl Who Continues To Repeat The Story Of How Someone Thought My Date To The Wedding Was HER Husband,

Junior high called. It wants its drama back.

Love,
Sandra

Dear Wednesday,

Oh s**t, it's only Tuesday.

Love,
Katie

Dear Fiber,

As much as I love what you do to my body, do we really need those embarrassing side effects?

Love,
K.P.

Dear Roommate With Money,

Our fridge is looking empty.

Love,
Lottie

Dear 55 Year Old Male Co-Worker Who Drinks D,iet Rockstar Religiously,

Perhaps you have mistaken yourself for a 20 year old sorority girl?

Love,
J

Dear Not Showering And Spending A Weekend Studying,

I feel like a video game freak who hasn't left the house in 2 days...oh wait...that's almost true.

Love,
Katie

Dear Economics Professor,

Thank you for asking us to define the meaning of life on our take home exam. You are my Oprah.

Love,
Katie

Dear Microsoft Word,

Seriously, how old are you? Picking up "blog" as an unknown word in spell check...

Love,
Katie

Dear Menstrual Cycle,

Writing emotional emails to boys at 2am is a bad idea. If you could keep that in mind, that'd be great.

Love,
Crystal

Dear Ms. "I Know How To Do Math Because I Am An Accountant,"

You are confusing your child when you tell them that 30+50=100. Thankfully you didn't prepare my taxes.

Love,
Your child's teacher

Dear Mouth,

Why do you always say the wrong things at the right times?

Love,
Carla

Dear Spammers,

To answer your question: I am a female, therefore, I do not need a larger penis, but thanks for asking.

Love,
Danica

Dear Verizon Wireless,

What about the phrase "good customer service" confuses you?

Love,
Diana

Dear Principal At My Daughter's School Who Told Me To Slow Down In The Drop Off Circle,

Huh, strange. I thought when you frantically waived your arm in a forward motion it meant to speed up.

Love,
Alaina's mom

Dear MSNBC,

Here's an idea: spend one day not reporting on Britney Spears.

Love,
Katie

Dear Being Told By My Boss Of Just Two Weeks That It's My Fault He's 6 Months Late Paying His Bills,

Does saying it out loud not make you realize how absurd you are?

Love,
Michael

Dear Delilah,

Hey there! Call that dude so he'll shut the hell up.

Love,
Casey

Dear Promotion,

Yes, the money is nice and the new responsibilities are great, but is it wrong that I am most excited about the fact that my boss is moving down the hall and I am getting his office?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Bathroom Scale,

You lie.

Right?

Love,
Dixie

Dear People Who Can't Laugh At Themselves,

I've decided not to be friends with you anymore. I hope you understand.

Love,
Jackie

Dear Boss,

Are you really paying me $5 an hour to be your therapist? Let me know when you, a grown man, are ready to not be a junior high girl.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Girl In The Single Bathroom Who Told Me To "Knock First" After Our Awkward Encounter,

If you actually close the door all the way, it helps send a message that someone may be in there. Locking it would be your best option.

Love,
Angela

Dear 2 1/2 Year Old Son,

Thank you for informing me that you are a "BIG BOY" and that you have a big penis while your grandmother was in the room.

Love,
Mom

Dear Facebook Birthday Reminders,

Thanks for taking all the work out of needing to care. It's because of you that in friendships I'm now a viking!

Love,
Kendall

Dear Globalization,

Could you please stop doing whatever it is that you are doing? My professors are developing an unhealthy relationship with you and are talking about you non-stop.

Love,
Heidi

Dear Woman At The Stoplight Crosswalk Who Holds Out Her Hand Motioning Me To Stop The ENTIRE Time She's Walking In The Crosswalk,

I'm at a FREAKING RED STOPLIGHT!!! Holding out your hand to me only makes me want to gun my engine and scare you.

Love,
Jade

Dear Husband Who Spends Too Much Cash On Booze,

Hey, even I like to drink...but if it's groceries and paying our bills over another six pack or a pint of whiskey, get a clue. You're 53 years old. Grow up.

Love,
Your Better Half

Dear Professor Who Spent Over 30 Minutes Teaching a Graduate Class Hand Motions So That We Would Remember 8 Simple Words for an Upcoming Quiz,

When did I start going to graduate school for preschoolers?

Love,
Jen

Dear Child With A Fever Who Spit Grape Tylenol In My Face Last Night Because It's "Nasty",

You're in the hospital because you drank lighter fluid. Are you kidding me?!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Woman Who Works In The First Cubicle By The Door,

Please stop looking me up and down when I walk in in the morning. It's creepy.

Love,
Char

Dear Creepy Neighbor Who Is Always Standing Outside Smoking When I Walk Past and Always Wants To Talk -- Always;

Don't you have a job? Or something?

Love,
Sophie

Dear 3 Rockstarts Starting at 11:30pm,

It's not 4:20am and there's no end in sight.

Love,
Chin

Dear Recommended 6 Glasses Of Water A Day,

Thanks for making me pee every hour.

Love,
Libbie

Dear Phoebe,

Congratulations for getting on Unsorted Mail. Your coolness potential has truly been realized.

Love,
Alison

Dear Guy Who Was Falling Off His Bike and Caught Himself By Accidentally Punching in a Classroom Window,

Thanks for livening up Intro to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam

Love,
Phoebe

Dear Unsorted Mail,

I'm glad that hiatus is over and you're back for another season. The re-runs were boring.

Love,
Becky

Dear Chacos,

Must you make my feel smell like death? A little help would be appreciated.

Love,
Libbie

Dear iPod Shuffle,

A sermon to Shiny Toy Guns? You're always so full of surprises.

Love,
Katie

Dear MTV VMA's,

What the hell was that mess all about? I would like those 2 hours of my life back ASAP.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Metro Bus System,

You=My new Unsorted Mail muse.

Love,
Katie

Dear Guy Who Took His Shirt Off As He Got Onto The Metro Bus,

Again, I'm confused.

Love,
Katie

Dear Woman On The Bus Wearing Pantyhose and Exposed Bra Straps,

Interesting choice. It's like they cancel each other out.

Love,
Katie

Dear Face (Especially Chin & Forehead),

While I truly appreciate the fact that you were great during high school, this does not excuse your current behavior. When the dermatologist's aide said that she had never seen anything like this, I knew you had officially gone too far.

You have two weeks.

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear MySpace,

I caved. Belonging to 6 Facebook networks just wasn't cutting it.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Boss,

Sometimes you make homelessness an appealing option.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Ambien,

You're hired.

Love,
Marty

Dear Co-Worker Who Irritates Me,

1. Your voice does carry through the phone w/o an increase in volume.

2. While on speaker phone, please do remember to hang up the phone after you leave a voicemail, you won’t look & sound like such an idiot when the voicemail asks whether you wish to delete or repeat you message.

3. Please stop calling me your ‘Partner’ when speaking to clients; you’re married, I have a girlfriend and we live in a P.C. world where ‘Partner’ can be seriously mis-construed,

4. Please eat then work instead of crunching away on your chips then proceeding to wipe the food matter on your mouse, keyboard and desktop.

5. You need to exercise and cauterize the blockage in your nasal cavity, I tire of listening to your heavy breathing.

Love,
Christian

Dear Arizona,

If by "dry heat" you mean scorching sun rays of death, then yes, we definitely do have a "dry heat."

Love,
Michelle

Dear Guy I Have Gone Out With A Few Times Who Is Everything I Wanted On Paper: Tall, Educated, Older, And Lives In My Town,

Why am I not attracted to you at all, yet it doesn't stop me from making out with you?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Husband,

Buying tickets to a football game because you didn't realize that our anniversary fell on a Monday is the same as forgetting our anniversary.

Love,
Colette

Dear Shower Drain,

Remember that time when you just drained water and didn't erupt the excess salsa poured down the kitchen sink? Let's try that way again.

Love,
Michelle

Dear Shopping Cart With One Bad Wheel,

Why is doing the dance named in your honor more fun than actually being with you?

Love,
Patches

Dear Trainwrecks Everywhere,

Beware, Lindsay Lohan is ruining your good name.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Roommate,

When you suggested that putting Yoplait in the freezer is "kind of" like eating frozen yogurt, well friend you outdid yourself. And no, you will never live this one down.

Love,
Michelle

Dear Complete Memory Lapse Regarding My Diet When Mom Brought the Chocolate Cake Out After Dinner,

How convenient. Thank you.

Love,
Miriam

Dear 8am Accounting Class,

I think I'm allergic to you.

Love,
Katie

Dear Nose,

If you stop running, I promise to stop threatening you with plastic surgery.

Love,
ML

Dear Margaritas and Sangria,

Why don't you two kids mix together to form a glorious drink called a Swirl. Oh wait, those are already invented and I drank far too many of you this weekend. Thanks for the hangover, it was well worth it.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Sixth Year Of College,

It's been fun, but I think it's time that our relationship ended. I hope we can still be friends.

Love,
Brett

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Let me put this in an I Feel statement: When you stop posting new letters, I feel lost, scared, and alone. Sort of like a lost box of puppies.

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Jim Halpert, Sam from Top Chef, Bear Grylls, and Paul the Apostle,

Should you decide to combine into one dreamboat of a person, please call me. I am pretty sure we are meant for each other.

Love,
Ann

Dear Job that Included 2 Children Vomiting All Over the Place Tonight,

That was really disgusting, but still better than unemployment.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Unattractive Coworker,

Why am I attracted to you?

Love,
Anne

Dear People At Walmart Who Block Entire Aisles By Putting Their Shopping Cart Diagonally And Then Bending Over On The Other Side Looking At Something,

Thanks for always being in my way and annoying me. If you don't stop then I am just going to start ramming into you with my cart.

Love,
Amanda

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Seven books were not enough.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Blockbuster Online,

Kiss my @#&$!

Love,
Sophie

Dear Readers,

I won't make excuses, but...

Well, you see, Marie doesn't have a computer and I just started business school.

But I'm committed to getting this thing going again. Forget accounting, stats, econ, finance, and marketing...it's all about the Unsorted Mail, people!

Love,
Katie