UNSORTED MAIL: 2008

Thanks for abbreviating the word association by writing "Ass." I'm not sure if you realized what you were doing, but it sure made me happy.

Love,
Melissa

Dear First Season of Beverly Hills 90210 on DVD,

Dylan you are looking goooood.
Brenda you are lookin rooooough.

Love,
Jenniac

July 23, 2008

Dear Couple Making Out In Front Of Us At Starbucks,

This is not Six Flags. Please remove your lips from each other's faces and your hands from each other's back pockets.

Love,
Andy and Adam

Dear Guy Wearing A T-Shirt In A Pool,

You're not fooling anyone, buddy.

Love,
Greg

Dear Dignity,

Where were you last night? Missed having you around. Don't worry though, Common Sense wasn't able to make it either.

Love,
Dee

Dear Guy Roller Blading On A Major U.S. Highway,

You be safe out there, buddy. Watch out for side mirrors...those can leave a mark.

Love,
Allan

Dear Rachael Ray,

I have determined it physically impossible to create any of your recipies in 30-minutes. You are a liar.

Love,
Jonathan

Dear Co-Worker In The Next Cubicle,

The sordid details of your husband’s intestinal problems really brightened my Monday.

Love,
Gabriel

Dear Oil Companies,

As much as I’m mad at you, I guess I should thank you for distracting me from how much I’ve been paying for bottled water, batteries, and printer cartridges.

Love,
Greg

Dear Belt That Used To Fit Me Perfectly,

Come on, work with me here.

Love,
Greg

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Please forgive me for the 2 year hiatus. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Love,
Mike B.

Dear Aunt Who Asked Me If I Was Having A Boy Or A Girl 4 Months After I Had A Miscarriage,

I personally don't think I look 7 months pregnant but thanks for the awkward moment.

Love,
Lizzie

Dear Little Boy Who TOld The Little Girl That She Had A Mustache,

Keep talking like that and you'll never get a girlfriend. But keep trying.

Love,
Phil

Dear Lowe's Gift Card,

Congratulations on being the official Fathers' Day gift of 2008.

Love,
Greg

Dear State Police Fundraising Representative Who Kindly Reminded Me To Buckle Up Before Asking For Money,

Now that I've told you no, do you still want me to buckle up?

Love,
Greg

Dear 883 Miles Between Nashville (My Home) and New York (Her Home),

Kindly get out of the way,

Love,
Michael

Dear July,

You obviously haven't been very funny.

Love,
Marie

June 29, 2008

Dear Man Who Likes To Ride His Bike Around Town In A Thong,

I hope there is never an emergency where I have to borrow your bike for a while.

Love,
Marie

June 20, 2008

Dear Cute Girl Who Smiled And Waved Enthusiastically As I Was Driving By,

I'm sure you just mistook me for someone else, but that brightened my day. Thank you.

Love,
Andrew

Dear Women Jogging In The Park While Smoking A Cigarette,

No, it doesn't even out.

Love,
Laura

Dear U.S. Post Office Who Won’t Guaranteed 2 Day Delivery, But Will Charge Extra For Trying,

Way to be there.

Love,
John

Dear Retiring Co-Worker,

I will miss you, but not as much as I'll miss the free alcohol provided at the company luncheon to commemorate your departure.

Love,
Lucas

Dear Wal-Mart,

Of course someone farted in the bean aisle.

Love,
Katie

June 18, 2008

Dear Cocktail With Organic Goji Berries, Locally Grown Limes, Himalayan Crystal Salt, Organic Raw Agave Nectar aaaaand Tequila,

Is that 'Granola' for Strawberry Margarita?

Love,
Marie

June 10, 2008

Dear Florida Lottery,

Why don't you like my kids' birthdays?

Love,
Rod

Dear Housemates,

I regret to inform you that my milkshake no longer brings all the boys to the yard. I am lactose intolerant.

Love,
T.O.

Dear Woman Walking Into Sex and The City With Two Children Under 10,

Yes, I am judging you.

Love,
Kristin

Dear Boss Who Doesn't Pay Attention To The Suggestions Spell Check Offers,

I know you really mean "inconvenience" but please stop trying to pay me for "incontinence." I really don't pee on myself.

Love,
Valerie

Dear 2 Year Old Daughter,

Why must you ask why?
Why, why, why?!?!?!

Love,
Karen (aka: Mom)

June 06, 2008

Dear Woman At The Bar Who Took Her Shirt Off And Swung It Around About Her Head When The Celtics Won,

And now I've seen it all.

Love,
Katie

June 04, 2008

Dear Deck Of Cards,

You're lucky I don't have a TV.

Love,
Marie

Dear Sex And The City (The Movie),

How many women do you think watched you and immediately went out and bought a new pair of shoes?

I know I did.

Love,
Marie

May 26, 2008

Dear Sugar-Free Candy Makers,

Aren't you missing the point?

Love,
Sarah

Dear 7 Year Old Son's Baseball Team,

Is it wrong for me to hope y'all lose just so I can watch your coaches flip out?

Love,
Dad

Dear Airport Restroom Stall Door With A Sign That Said "Please Flush,"

Fine...if you insist.

Love,
Katie

May 23, 2008

Dear Lysol Spray In The Office Bathroom,

You really let the last guy down.

Love,
Rod

Dear Guy Walking Across The Walmart Parking Lot Who Tripped And Almost Fell And Then Looked Around To See If Anyone Saw,

I did. I was in my car.

Love,
Robert

Dear Facebook Friend Count That Just Dropped A Number,

Somehow I feel sad that somebody removed me from friendship without even a "goodbye" or "we're done."

Love,
Kendall

Dear Husband Yelling at the Television,

No, they still can't hear you.

Love,
Karen

I'm sorry i ate ling ling potstickers, mac n cheese, deli sliced ham and zesty tomato chips all within a 30 minute window...its going to be a long night...and they all sounded good at the time. I now see the error of my ways.

Love,
Michon

Dear Sister In Law Who Sent Me A Link To Unsorted Mail,

Thanks to you, I am no longer productive.

Love,
Karen

Dear McDonald’s Sew Southern Style Chicken Sandwich,

You are not and never will be Chick-Fil-A.

Love,
Courtney

Dear Lady Who Used The F-Word In Toys R Us,

Try a Thesaurus.

Love,
Sam

Dear Cashier At My Favorite Lunch Place,

Asking me if it was a boy or a girl as I was paying for my salad was SO not funny. Thanks for the self-esteem boost!

Love,
Maggie

Dear Mom,

I know you are proud of your thighs and spandex shorts, but we are not.

Love,
Your Kids

Dear Britney's New Song,

I can't believe I actually like you.

Love,
Courtney

Dear GMAT,

I AM NOT AFRAID! uuhhh ok maybe a little, uhhh a lot, uuhhh damn you win; I am afraid.. sigh!!!

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Go Phone Commercial With Meatloaf,

Is it wrong that I don't channel surf during commercial breaks actually hoping that it comes on?

Love,
Jenniac

May 14, 2008

Dear Shower,

For the life of me, I can't figure out why you ever need to be cleaned. You have water and soap going through you daily. Isn't that enough?

Love,
Marie

May 06, 2008

Dear Rewarding My Tiny Studying Accomplishments With Large Snacks and Long Naps,

Worthlessness: A+

Love,

Katie

Dear Not Learning My Lesson,

Once again, I had three hot dogs at dinner.

Love,

Miriam

Dear Facebook,

Today when you gave me an invitation to a friend's wedding, I was a little upset that you had forgotten to notify me when the relationship started.

Love,

Lottie

May 04, 2008

Dear 4.5 Hour Nap,

Wow. I'm proud and embarrassed all at once.

Love,

Katie

May 01, 2008

Dear Cinco De Mayo Parties,

Its already Uno De Mayo and I haven't been invited to any of you yet.

Love,
Marie

Dear 100% Recycled Toilet Paper That I Bought,

I just realized how weird that is.

Love,
Marie

April 28, 2008

Dear Discipline,

Thanks for sustaining me through the first page of my paper. Now I only have 9 more to go...and I'm already on Unsorted Mail. This could be a long night.

Love,
Brett

Dear Katie,

Could it be possible that we saw each other more when we lived 700 miles apart than now when we live... 6?

Love,
Marie

Dear Craigslist,

You are all I need.

Love,
Marie

Dear Summer,

Thanks for coming too soon again. So not ready for swim suit season.

Love,
Michon

Dear Uncooked Tollhouse Cookie Dough,

My husband's lectures about raw eggs fall on deaf ears, for I do not care. I am not ashamed of my love. You are to me a delicious torment.

Love,
Cori

Dear Facebook,

Your chatting feature is uncomfortably awesome...I think.

Love,
Chin

April 25, 2008

Dear Retail Store Employee,

It will always be fine to put my receipt in the bag.

Love,
Marie

April 23, 2008

Dear Twitter,

I was so much more productive until you came into my life.

Love,
Becky

April 22, 2008

Dear Tootsie Rolls,

I don't know why depression is so rampant when you guys are so yummy.

Love,
Brett

April 20, 2008

Dear Slim Jims,

If you are what you eat, why doesn't consuming you make me more hot, slim and mysterious?

Love,
Anna

Dear Unsorted Mail Readers and Writers,

I think we should have a funny convention and hold it at a bar. Who's in?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Cafeteria Food,

Your quality is going downhill about as fast as my motivation. I think it's time for summer.

Love,
Alex

Dear Friends Who Told Me You "Track My Progress" By Checking My Posts On Unsorted Mail,

You are creeps.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Getting Into A Climate Change Debate Due To An Unsorted Mail Post,

It's true, you don't have to have a sense of humor to visit this blog but it's a lot more fun if you do.

Love,
Michael

Dear Global Warming Unsorted Mail Banter and Accusations,

Since when did Unsorted Mail become a clearing house for left/right/conservative/liberal/stupid/ok,uneducated/anonymous arguments? I so thought this was a humor thing. Can't we all just get along in our down jackets and bathing suits as the world freezes and burns us all? Laugh a little more...

Love,
Kendall

Dear Map And Globe Store,

How's business?

Love,
Lindsay

April 16, 2008

Dear Santa,

I know it is April, but could you please bring me a 10 speed? It does not have to be new, just something that I can pedal.

Love,
Gabriel

Dear Fliers for NORML Rallies on 4/20,

Let's tackle things like AIDS and Cancer first.

Love,
Michael

Dear Celebrities Starring in "Celebra Cadabra",

So you're competing to see which celebrity can become the best magician? The best trick you could pull is raising your careers from the grave.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thanks for helping me pass 7.5 hours of blissful unproductivity at work today. I hope we can keep a good thing going.

Love,
Lucas

April 13, 2008

Dear Mr. Scuba Diving is Such and Extreme Sport,

You weigh 300 pounds. No it isn't.

Love,
Katherine

Dear Global Warming,

If it wasn't April 12, 33 degrees and snowing (for the last 2 days), I might actually consider believing you exist.

Love,
Lauren P.

Dear FoodNetwork.com,

We love your website. Really, we do. We've been using it with our fourth grade students for a project in which they make a really nice recipe card featuring some type of California-grown produce. To that end, we'd like to humbly request you stop posting advertising for women's lingerie (in today's case, bras) at the top of the pages. Emeril Lagasse's garlic bread recipe was nowhere near as interesting as the bra-clad female torso observed by our students today on the big screen when we were demonstrating. Something may have grown in California just then, but it wasn't produce...if you receive my meaning.

Love,
Computer Teachers at a private Christian School
(unless we get fired after this)

Dear Person Who Used The Staff Bathroom Before Me,

Thanks for leaving a big stink in your wake. And the pube on the toilet seat? Was that a bonus?

Love,
Diana

Dear Person Sitting By Me In Class and Reading My Laptop Over My Shoulder,

When you don't get the dirty joke on my friend's Facebook page, don't ask me to explain it.

Love,
Alex

Dear Television That Just Died,

Why do I feel more lonely all of a sudden?

Love,
Katie

April 09, 2008

Dear Stupid Internet Filter At Work,

Seriously? "Panty dropper"? That's what had you so much "in a curl" that I couldn't read Unsorted Mail?? Why don't you block something more worthwhile, like actual "panties"??? Leave my Unsorted Mail alone!

Love,
Kimberly

Dear Prospective Freshman,

Don't fall asleep in the class you're visiting. If we can deal, so can you.

Love,
Phoebe

Dear Airstream Travel Trailor,

Some look at you with white trash scorn...But these eyes don't lie. You are everything that is beautiful a life of good times and adventure. See you soon.

Love,
Meg

Dear Starbucks,

Thanks for ruining my life and changing your logo.

Love,
Meg

Dear Drunk Girl At The Rugby Social That Told Me I Had Sausage Fingers But "It's Not A Bad Thing",

Yeah, when I rolled my eyes and walked away, that wasn't a bad thing either.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Olympic Torch,

If you've been extinguished 3 times in France, doesn't that mean you have to go back to "Start" without collecting $200?

Love,
Kendall

April 05, 2008

Dear TNT Playing the Lord Of The RIngs Trilogy All Weekend Long,

I'm a lot more excited about this than I should be.

Love,
Michael

Dear Senior Research Paper,

Go do yourself.

Love,
Johannah

April 04, 2008

Dear February 2006 Archives,

God, you were good. Where did my funny go?

Love,
Katie

April 03, 2008

Dear Irony,

I bet you enjoyed that my "Overcommitment" workshop is making me miss another meeting.

Love,
Claire

Dear Private Parking Company That Issued Me A Ticket,

No I will not pay you $20.

Love,
Michael

April 02, 2008

Dear Guy on the Bus With Piercings and Chains,

I noticed the upper 8 inches of your Snoopy boxers when you sat down. Unexpected? Yes. Appreciated? Not so much.

Love,
Katie

Dear Job,

I wish you interested me more so I would spend less than 7 hours a day playing on the internet.

Love,
Rachel

March 30, 2008

Dear David Cook's Version Of Billie Jean On American Idol,

I believe that is the exact definition of "panty dropper."

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Legally Blonde,

Thanks for be the primary source of most of my legal vocabulary.

Love,
Jen

Dear Alex And Your Numerous Unsorted Mail Postings Regarding Your Ex-Boyfriend,

Sounds like you need a restraining order.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for taking 40 minutes showers starting at midnight. No I hadn’t planned on going to bed any time soon.

Love,
Ben

Dear Person Who Stole My Credit Card,

The fact that your charges where at the porn shop, Taco Cabana, and the liquor store makes me think we were destined to be best friends.

Love,
Chris

March 26, 2008

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

No thanks. I don't care for emotionally detached "friends."

Love,
Alex

Dear Diploma,

You're lucky my mom cares so much about you, otherwise I wouldn't give a...well you know.

Love,
Meg

Dear Diploma,

You're lucky my mom cares so much about you, otherwise I wouldn't give a...well you know.

Love,
Meg

Dear Unsorted Mail Bloggers Writing About Spring Break,

What's that?

Love,
Katie P.

March 25, 2008

Dear Friend Who Texted Me An Unsorted Mail Post at 3:25am,

A little early, but I'll take it!

Love,
Katie

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Who Supposedly Still Wants To Be Friends,

Sending me texts to the effect of, "I don't want to be there for you" doesn't help matters.

Love,
Alex

March 24, 2008

Dear Beach,

Thanks for not getting warm until my last day with you.

Love,
Alex

Dear Spring Break,

How do I make a career out of you?

Love,
Jen

Dear Last 4 Days Before Spring Break,

I would really appreciate it if you didn’t exist. Like a lot. So work on that. Thanks.

Love,
Hannah

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thank you for giving me a reason to get up during spring break!

Love,
Christine

Dear Liver and Sleep Schedule,

I'm not mad at you guys, so I don't know why I'm treating you this way. I guess I tend to hurt the ones I love the most.

Love,
Michael

Dear Advertising Picture on Facebook labeled "Ass Man,"

Your resemblance to my ex-boyfriend is astounding and hilarious.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Spring Break,

I know I said I'd be more productive, but watching 5 movies a day is just so much more fun.

Love,
Alex

March 18, 2008

Dear Roommate Who Believes Uninsured People Who Cause Car Wrecks Should Have To Sell Any Organ They Have Two of to Pay the Other Person's Damages,

I'm pretty sure you just defined the term "bold statement."

Love,
Ann

Dear Male Friends,

Stop treating me like one of the guys and always falling for my more attractive best friend. I'm still a girl with girl wants and needs.

Love,
Anon

Dear Stomach,

I'm sorry about the last 4 days. I understand why you are so mad, and I promise tomorrow will be different.

Love,
Jen

March 17, 2008

Dear Roommate,

I really am listening... I just listen better with my eyes closed... or multitasking.

Love,
Anon Roommate

Dear Starbucks,

There really should be a five step anonymous addiction class for you.

Love,
Erin

Dear Overly Friendly Drive-Thru Man,

When you said, "That'll be $4.27. I look forward to seeing you at the window." I don't think you realized how creepy that sounded.

Love,
Liza

Dear Marie,

Happy Birthday!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Monday After Spring Break,

Ugh.

Love,
Katie

March 09, 2008

Dear Tastebuds,

It would be socially helpful to me if your cravings for mustard could be satisfied through the traditional vehicle of a sandwich instead of a bowl and spoon. I'm running out of explanations.

Love,
Lottie

March 07, 2008

Dear Hostess At Bosco's,

What we're dealing with here is your classic junior high crush. I'll just pass a note to the waiter asking if you wanna go steady. Deal? Deal.

Love,
Michael

Dear Strangers With No Spacial Awareness,

If I wanted to be that close to you, I would have said something.

Love,
Anon

Dear Graduating in T-2 Months,

Oh shit.

Love,
Alison

Dear Guy Sitting Next To Me At A Coffee Shop,

There's this feature on your phone called "vibrate." Try it.

Love,
Alex

Dear Billboard In Miami,

Stop ripping off Unsorted Mail.

Love,
Chin

Dear Ex-Fiance,

Stop trying to insert yourself into my life. You were there long enough as it is.

Love,
Alex

Dea Guy In The Computer Lab,

I'm sorry that your four-page article got mixed up in the printer with my five lengthy articles about castrati. I hope that didn't make you uncomfortable. And I'm doing research for a paper, I swear.

Love,
Phoebe

Dear Ingrid Michaelson,

Thank you for singing about a melted snowman. It made sense to me.

Love,
Rachel

February 28, 2008

Dear God,

Please send $250 for a couple tickets to see The Police and Elvis Costello. I promise I'll never ask to go to another show again.

Love,
Alex

Dear Carriage Driver,

I'm sorry I almost hit your mule yesterday, but driving in rush hour traffic without turn signals is risky business.

Love,
Julio Jones

Dear Guy Who Hit On Me at Peet's,

Thanks for the ego boost. You were especially cute once I noticed the fanny pack. And the molester van with paintings on the side really made me want to give you my number.
Call me!

Love,
Alison

February 27, 2008

Dear Peppy Jingle Saying "Continuous Soooooft Rock",

I hope you see the irony.

Love,
Marie

Dear Weather.com,

I'm sorry I laughed when you told me there was a "Blowing Snow Advisory" today. You weren't kidding.

Love,
Phoebe

Dear 5 Inches of Snow 3 Days Before I Leave For South Beach,

Because of you I will have a much better time than expected.

Love,
Chin

Dear Massachusetts Drivers,

Why does it seem like you all received your licenses from Cracker Jack boxes?

Love,
Erin

Dear Broken Heart,

Again?

Love,
Morgan

Dear Class,

College would be a lot more enjoyable without you.

Love,
Alex

Dear Punk Who Stole My Car,

I'll give you back your Faygo and lil'Boosie CD if you give me back my passport, iPod, and Lacie's suitcase. Deal? Ok, great!

Love,
Timothy

February 23, 2008

Dear Peete's Coffee,

Making rude comments in response to my using "Starbucks" terms such as "grande" and "frappaccino" is not exactly going to win over my business.

Love,
Beth

Dear Unseasonably Warm Weather That Requires Me To Bust Out The Shorts,

Nope, those aren't white stockings I have on. Those are my pale, pale legs.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Friday Night Lights,

Please please please come back.

Love,
Katie

Dear February 20th 2008,

Can I have a re-do please?

Love,
Jen

Dear New Year's Resolution,

Why do I even bother with you?

Love,
Julie

Dear American Idol,

Why are so many of you not American?

Love,
Jen

Dear Fidel Castro,

I thought you were dead already.

Love,
Alex

Dear Symposium,

Aren't you just a fancy name for "conference"?

Love,
Alex

Dear Nightly News Programs,

If I wanted to know what happened on American Idol or Survivor or Dancing with the Stars, I would have watched the show. From now on, how about you just report real news?

Love,
Brian

Dear Kid In The BMW, Speeding Down Our Street And Picking Your Nose,

I bet your parents are so proud of you!

Love,
Katie P.

February 17, 2008

Dear Jared Leto,

I know when I saw you in the airport last night I told you I liked your band, but I really just didn't know what else to say. Sorry.

Love,
Alex

Dear Band That Was Playing For The Marathon Runners Right Outside My Condo At 6:30am,

Ok, I guess I'm up.

Love,
Katie

February 16, 2008

Dear Eating A 4x4 Buger (4 Patties, 4 Pieces of Cheese, Etc.),

Best valentines day yet. You are much better than flowers – next time could you bring a great guy (preferably one who can eat an 8X8) with you?

Love,
Jen

Dear New Boss,

Thank you for showing me how fantastic my old boss was. I mean, fantastic. Truly out of this world.

Love,
Miriam

Dear April 15th,

Will you please get here already? I'm sick of people asking me, "Is my tax return ready yet? Do you know how much I'm getting back?" I DO KNOW AND I'M NOT TELLING YOU!

Love,
Jules

Dear Man Who Allowed His Big Dog To Knock My 2 Year Old Daughter Over And Then Claim It Was Her Fault For Standing In The Wrong Place,

It's called Dog Obedience classes. Look 'em up. Oh, and a little "I'm so sorry" could go along way.

Love,
Jenn

February 14, 2008

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for making it possible for me to view my ex-boyfriend's wedding album at any time. Really, I appreciate it. I look forward to voting in the poll on what gender their first child will be.

Love,
K.

Dear Most Uneventful Valentines Day Of My Life,

Surprises are totally overrated...I guess.

Love,
Katie

Dear Katie & Marie,

Will you be my Valentine(s)? There's a mix CD and box of candy hearts at stake here.

Love,
Michael

February 12, 2008

Dear Makers of Valtrex,

I would appreciate it if you would market a drug with a different name for fever blisters that occur on the mouth. I felt so ashamed at CVS this morning while getting my prescription filled.

Love,
Rachel

Dear Hickory Hollow Carnival KIA Manager Chris Bostick,

I know you think the commercials with you and your family of arian children are endearing and sweet, but they're actually just terrifying.

Love,
Michael

Dear Grad School Research Papers Due 3 Days Ago,

Organizing my iTunes is a higher priority right now.

Love,
Aaron

February 11, 2008

Dear Calorie Counting,

I always knew I hated math.

Love,
Michael

Dear Fake Spring Weather in Oregon,

Quit playing games with my heart.

Love,
Casey

Dear 1920's Film Noir Actors,

Why can't we still talk like you guys did?

Love,
Alex

Dear 3 Year Old Son Who Was Passing Gas At The Same Time You Were Falling To The Floor, After Tripping Over Your Step Stool,

That was a sympathetic laugh...I promise!

Love,
Stephen

Dear Reading The Entire Unsorted Mail Archives,

You were so much more fun than studying for the LSAT.

Love,
Kristin

Dear Friend Who Just Wants To Be Great Friends And Nothing More,

Reconsider?

Love,
Dan

Dear New England Weather,

So far today it has been cloudy, sunny, rainy, snowy, and there was even some thunder.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Snoop Dog's "Sensual Seduction" Song and Music Video,

Two things I never saw coming.

Love,
Katie

February 09, 2008

Dear Guitar Hero 3 On Expert,

You are under the arrest for the kidnapping and subsequent death of my social life.

Love,
Alex

Dear Woman On The Train With The 4 Crying Children,

I feel your pain. Honestly.

Love
Jake

February 08, 2008

Dear Guy Running In a Striped Sweater and Stocking Cap With Glasses,

We finally know where Waldo is!

Love,
Kendall

Dear Super Unfriendly Cute Guy at the Coffee Shop,

How many lattes do I have to buy to make you smile?!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Chris from Project Runway,

I know you said you wanted to wear your model's outfit, but thank you for sparing the American public that monstrosity.

Love,
Alex

Dear Heart,

I'm putting you in Time-Out.

You've been a bad boy.

Love,
Jake

Dear Math Instructor Who Spells Color as "Colour",

I'm not British and neither are you.

Love,
Jake

February 06, 2008

Dear 1500 Miles,

I understand every relationship could use a certain amount of distance, but don't you think you're stretching it?

Love,
Crystal

Dear Classes,

You're worse than you sound: Heat Transfer, Experimental Heat Transfer, Fluid Mechanics, Experimental Fluid Mechanics, Machine Elements, Dynamic Systems and Controls, Dynamic Systems and Controls Lab, and Engineering Statistics. What was I thinking?

Love,
Graham

Dear Super Tuesday and Fat Tuesday Happening on the Same Day,

I guess we could call you Super Fat Tuesday. How appropriately American!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Student Accounts,

Another hold on my transcripts? Love you too!

Love,
Dianna

Dear Grandmother in New Jersey,

I love you, but I'm not sure you telling me to "behave" occasionally is going to cut it.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Lent,

I'm giving you up.

Love,
Sarah

February 05, 2008

Dear Worker in the Mail Room,

Your rendition of Daft Punk's "Around the World" made me want to boot YOU around the world.

Love,
Courtney

Dear Miley Cyrus Song I Heard At The Gym,

Uh oh - I think I like you.

Love,
Em

Dear Superbowl Sunday,

You've become the fattest day of the year for Americans, even more than Fat Tuesday. Ironic

Love,
Kendall

Dear Lady In Line At The Post Office,

Your singing was getting on my nerves, but then I glanced in your purse I saw the book, "Teaching Yourself To Sing" and changed my mind. You're just hilarious.

Love,
Liza

February 02, 2008

Dear Readers,

Minor update...MySpace Fans of Unsorted Mail no longer exists.

Constantly deleting sketchy comments, friend requests, and messages kind of pushed me over the edge.

But Facebook is still going strong!!!

Email us with ideas of how we can better cater to you, our readers and writers!

Love,
Katie of Unsorted Mail

Dear Friday Night Lights,

You totally make staying in on a Friday night worth it...or is that just me?

Love,
Katie

Dear Couch,

I am so sorry that the Couch To 5K is getting in the way of our beautiful relationship. I miss you.

Love,
Jen

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

Saying that I am on par with every other girl to win your heart...is not cool.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Brooklyn Towing Place From Hell,

Why don't you just take my entire life savings and then laugh as I become a homeless dumpster diver with a car? It's what you want to do anyway.

Love,
Erica

Dear Last 10 Lbs.,

Stop being so freaking stubborn.

Love,
Erica

Dear Tattoo On My Body That Wants A Friend,

What are we going to do?! We told mom that you would be the only one!

Love,
Meg

Dear Workstudy Where I Do Nothing,

Thanks for increasing my life's productivity. I no longer do nothing unless I'm getting paid.

Love,
Lottie

Dear Cutest Little 12 year-old Brother Ever,

I am sorry I made you mad because I laughed so hard when you butted into my conversation about the DC metro system and piped in with, "I can NEVER figure that metro system out!" and you really meant the Metric system. It was just too cute.

Love,
Johannah

Dear Inbox,

Why is the number next to you the most significant thing in my life?

Love,
Miriam

Dear Girl I've Been Dating Who Just Wants To "Make Out But Not Make It Official,"

I thought I had no self-esteem, but I was wrong. See ya around.

Love,
Michael

Dear Unsorted Mail,

By not posting my last letter, doesn't that mean that you're sorting the mail?

Love,
Anonymous

Dear 2 Naps After Work,

You seemed like a good idea at the time.

Love,
Kristin

Dear Other Jen Who Posts On Unsorted Mail,

Could you please use another name, it's kind of confusing for my friends.

Love,
Jen

Dear MySpace,

It's not you, it's me.

Wait, no, it IS you...and all of your spam. Goodbye.

Love,
Katie

January 29, 2008

Dear Boyfriend,

Let's try to keep it that way.

Love,
Jen

Dear Starting My Running Program Tomorrow,

This is the first time in a long time that I have prayed for a stomach virus.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Friend Who Just Drank Six Capri Suns in a Row,

The weirdest thing is how normal you think that is.

Love,
Jen

Dear Friend Who Continues to Try to Play Jokes on Me,

Thanks for the hole in my window. You're really funny, but maybe you should stop while you are behind.

Love,
Jen

January 25, 2008

Dear Facebook WooMe.com Ads,

Yes, I'm single. That doesn't mean I'm desperate.

Love,
Kim

Dear Friend Desperately Trying to Avoid Homework,

It's difficult to believe that plucking your leg hair is less painful.

Love,
Lottie

Dear Friend Who Played a Joke on Me that Resulted in a Plank Hitting Me In the Head Which Also Resulted In Memory Loss,

Remember that? I don't.

Love,
Jen

Dear Ricky From Project Runway,

Please stop crying. You should have been kicked off four weeks ago.

Love,
Caitlin

January 21, 2008

Dear Love Life,

You're like a unicorn...you don't exist.

Love,
B.E.

Dear Friend Who I Am Doing the Couch to 5K Running Program With,

Just keep telling yourself that not starting until next week is about transitioning...not about failing again.

Love,
Miriam

January 20, 2008

Dear Bottled Water,

Why didn't I think of you?

Love,
David

Dear Wikipedia,

Honestly, can I trust you if, on your own page, some random person claimed to be the founder and didn't get busted for a while?

Love,
David

Dear Gene Simmons On Celebrity Apprentice,

You creep the hell out of me but you're a marketing genius.

Love,
Michael

January 17, 2008

Dear Ladies Who Started Unsorted Mail,

Marry me.

Love,
Dustin

January 15, 2008

Dear Homeless Panhandler Guy,

You look really warm in the new North Face Down Jacket that is better than anything I own. Nice try though...

Love,
Kendall

Dear Parents Who Pay $16,000 a Year for Pre-School and Yet Went In Together to Get Me a $15 Gift Card to Target for Christmas,

You suck!

Love,
The teacher you thanked for sharing her love of music

January 13, 2008

Dear Panic At The Disco Dropping the Exclamation Point From Their Name,

This changes nothing.

Love,
Michael

Dear Walk Hard,

Thank you. Thank you for giving us all new one-liners. Napoleon Dynamite, 40 Year Old Virgin, Talledega Nights, and Anchorman have had their heyday. It passed a long time ago.

Love,
Ashely B.

Dear Black Speck of Food Lodged Between My Boss's Two Front Teeth During Our One-On-One Meeting,

You looked so comfy, I didn't have the heart to tell her about you.

Love,
D

Dear Maybelline,

Could you possibly enlarge the font size on your Great Lash mascara where you specify color? What the heck and I going to do with a whole tube of Royal Blue? Who buys that anyway?

Love,
Liza

Dear Male Staff Member at My University Who Is Probably 50 Years Or Older,

Why did it frighten me to discover your fully "decked out" facebook account and ample correspondence with female students?

Love,
Leah

Dear "Practice Makes Perfect,"

I disagree.

Love,
Ann

January 09, 2008

Dear Substitute Daycare Worker Job/Fact That I Am A Professional Diaper Changer,

I should have gone out more in college.

Love,
Marie

January 06, 2008

Dear Netflix,

You just suggested the "Roast of William Shatner: Uncensored" for me, and predicted that I would give it 4 stars. I'm slightly offended.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Three Guys Doing Magic Tricks On Public Transportation,

Thanks for sitting across from me. It was a definite upgrade from watching drug deals.

Love,
Phoebe