Dear Woman At The Bar Who Took Her Shirt Off And Swung It Around About Her Head When The Celtics Won,

And now I've seen it all.

Love,
Katie

Dear Deck Of Cards,

You're lucky I don't have a TV.

Love,
Marie

Dear Sex And The City (The Movie),

How many women do you think watched you and immediately went out and bought a new pair of shoes?

I know I did.

Love,
Marie

Dear Sugar-Free Candy Makers,

Aren't you missing the point?

Love,
Sarah

Dear 7 Year Old Son's Baseball Team,

Is it wrong for me to hope y'all lose just so I can watch your coaches flip out?

Love,
Dad

Dear Airport Restroom Stall Door With A Sign That Said "Please Flush,"

Fine...if you insist.

Love,
Katie

Dear Lysol Spray In The Office Bathroom,

You really let the last guy down.

Love,
Rod

Dear Guy Walking Across The Walmart Parking Lot Who Tripped And Almost Fell And Then Looked Around To See If Anyone Saw,

I did. I was in my car.

Love,
Robert

Dear Facebook Friend Count That Just Dropped A Number,

Somehow I feel sad that somebody removed me from friendship without even a "goodbye" or "we're done."

Love,
Kendall

Dear Husband Yelling at the Television,

No, they still can't hear you.

Love,
Karen

Dear Stomach,

I'm sorry i ate ling ling potstickers, mac n cheese, deli sliced ham and zesty tomato chips all within a 30 minute window...its going to be a long night...and they all sounded good at the time. I now see the error of my ways.

Love,
Michon

Dear Sister In Law Who Sent Me A Link To Unsorted Mail,

Thanks to you, I am no longer productive.

Love,
Karen

Dear McDonald’s Sew Southern Style Chicken Sandwich,

You are not and never will be Chick-Fil-A.

Love,
Courtney

Dear Lady Who Used The F-Word In Toys R Us,

Try a Thesaurus.

Love,
Sam

Dear Cashier At My Favorite Lunch Place,

Asking me if it was a boy or a girl as I was paying for my salad was SO not funny. Thanks for the self-esteem boost!

Love,
Maggie

Dear Mom,

I know you are proud of your thighs and spandex shorts, but we are not.

Love,
Your Kids

Dear Britney's New Song,

I can't believe I actually like you.

Love,
Courtney

Dear GMAT,

I AM NOT AFRAID! uuhhh ok maybe a little, uhhh a lot, uuhhh damn you win; I am afraid.. sigh!!!

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Go Phone Commercial With Meatloaf,

Is it wrong that I don't channel surf during commercial breaks actually hoping that it comes on?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Shower,

For the life of me, I can't figure out why you ever need to be cleaned. You have water and soap going through you daily. Isn't that enough?

Love,
Marie

Dear Rewarding My Tiny Studying Accomplishments With Large Snacks and Long Naps,

Worthlessness: A+

Love,

Katie

Dear Not Learning My Lesson,

Once again, I had three hot dogs at dinner.

Love,

Miriam

Dear Facebook,

Today when you gave me an invitation to a friend's wedding, I was a little upset that you had forgotten to notify me when the relationship started.

Love,

Lottie

Dear 4.5 Hour Nap,

Wow. I'm proud and embarrassed all at once.

Love,

Katie

Dear Cinco De Mayo Parties,

Its already Uno De Mayo and I haven't been invited to any of you yet.

Love,
Marie

Dear 100% Recycled Toilet Paper That I Bought,

I just realized how weird that is.

Love,
Marie

Dear Discipline,

Thanks for sustaining me through the first page of my paper. Now I only have 9 more to go...and I'm already on Unsorted Mail. This could be a long night.

Love,
Brett

Dear Katie,

Could it be possible that we saw each other more when we lived 700 miles apart than now when we live... 6?

Love,
Marie

Dear Craigslist,

You are all I need.

Love,
Marie

Dear Summer,

Thanks for coming too soon again. So not ready for swim suit season.

Love,
Michon

Dear Uncooked Tollhouse Cookie Dough,

My husband's lectures about raw eggs fall on deaf ears, for I do not care. I am not ashamed of my love. You are to me a delicious torment.

Love,
Cori

Dear Facebook,

Your chatting feature is uncomfortably awesome...I think.

Love,
Chin

Dear Retail Store Employee,

It will always be fine to put my receipt in the bag.

Love,
Marie

Dear Twitter,

I was so much more productive until you came into my life.

Love,
Becky

Dear Tootsie Rolls,

I don't know why depression is so rampant when you guys are so yummy.

Love,
Brett

Dear Slim Jims,

If you are what you eat, why doesn't consuming you make me more hot, slim and mysterious?

Love,
Anna

Dear Unsorted Mail Readers and Writers,

I think we should have a funny convention and hold it at a bar. Who's in?

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Cafeteria Food,

Your quality is going downhill about as fast as my motivation. I think it's time for summer.

Love,
Alex

Dear Friends Who Told Me You "Track My Progress" By Checking My Posts On Unsorted Mail,

You are creeps.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Getting Into A Climate Change Debate Due To An Unsorted Mail Post,

It's true, you don't have to have a sense of humor to visit this blog but it's a lot more fun if you do.

Love,
Michael

Dear Global Warming Unsorted Mail Banter and Accusations,

Since when did Unsorted Mail become a clearing house for left/right/conservative/liberal/stupid/ok,uneducated/anonymous arguments? I so thought this was a humor thing. Can't we all just get along in our down jackets and bathing suits as the world freezes and burns us all? Laugh a little more...

Love,
Kendall

Dear Map And Globe Store,

How's business?

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Santa,

I know it is April, but could you please bring me a 10 speed? It does not have to be new, just something that I can pedal.

Love,
Gabriel

Dear Fliers for NORML Rallies on 4/20,

Let's tackle things like AIDS and Cancer first.

Love,
Michael

Dear Celebrities Starring in "Celebra Cadabra",

So you're competing to see which celebrity can become the best magician? The best trick you could pull is raising your careers from the grave.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thanks for helping me pass 7.5 hours of blissful unproductivity at work today. I hope we can keep a good thing going.

Love,
Lucas

Dear Mr. Scuba Diving is Such and Extreme Sport,

You weigh 300 pounds. No it isn't.

Love,
Katherine

Dear Global Warming,

If it wasn't April 12, 33 degrees and snowing (for the last 2 days), I might actually consider believing you exist.

Love,
Lauren P.

Dear FoodNetwork.com,

We love your website. Really, we do. We've been using it with our fourth grade students for a project in which they make a really nice recipe card featuring some type of California-grown produce. To that end, we'd like to humbly request you stop posting advertising for women's lingerie (in today's case, bras) at the top of the pages. Emeril Lagasse's garlic bread recipe was nowhere near as interesting as the bra-clad female torso observed by our students today on the big screen when we were demonstrating. Something may have grown in California just then, but it wasn't produce...if you receive my meaning.

Love,
Computer Teachers at a private Christian School
(unless we get fired after this)

Dear Person Who Used The Staff Bathroom Before Me,

Thanks for leaving a big stink in your wake. And the pube on the toilet seat? Was that a bonus?

Love,
Diana

Dear Person Sitting By Me In Class and Reading My Laptop Over My Shoulder,

When you don't get the dirty joke on my friend's Facebook page, don't ask me to explain it.

Love,
Alex

Dear Television That Just Died,

Why do I feel more lonely all of a sudden?

Love,
Katie

Dear Stupid Internet Filter At Work,

Seriously? "Panty dropper"? That's what had you so much "in a curl" that I couldn't read Unsorted Mail?? Why don't you block something more worthwhile, like actual "panties"??? Leave my Unsorted Mail alone!

Love,
Kimberly

Dear Prospective Freshman,

Don't fall asleep in the class you're visiting. If we can deal, so can you.

Love,
Phoebe

Dear Airstream Travel Trailor,

Some look at you with white trash scorn...But these eyes don't lie. You are everything that is beautiful a life of good times and adventure. See you soon.

Love,
Meg

Dear Starbucks,

Thanks for ruining my life and changing your logo.

Love,
Meg

Dear Drunk Girl At The Rugby Social That Told Me I Had Sausage Fingers But "It's Not A Bad Thing",

Yeah, when I rolled my eyes and walked away, that wasn't a bad thing either.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Olympic Torch,

If you've been extinguished 3 times in France, doesn't that mean you have to go back to "Start" without collecting $200?

Love,
Kendall

Dear TNT Playing the Lord Of The RIngs Trilogy All Weekend Long,

I'm a lot more excited about this than I should be.

Love,
Michael

Dear Senior Research Paper,

Go do yourself.

Love,
Johannah

Dear February 2006 Archives,

God, you were good. Where did my funny go?

Love,
Katie

Dear Irony,

I bet you enjoyed that my "Overcommitment" workshop is making me miss another meeting.

Love,
Claire

Dear Private Parking Company That Issued Me A Ticket,

No I will not pay you $20.

Love,
Michael

Dear Guy on the Bus With Piercings and Chains,

I noticed the upper 8 inches of your Snoopy boxers when you sat down. Unexpected? Yes. Appreciated? Not so much.

Love,
Katie

Dear Job,

I wish you interested me more so I would spend less than 7 hours a day playing on the internet.

Love,
Rachel

Dear David Cook's Version Of Billie Jean On American Idol,

I believe that is the exact definition of "panty dropper."

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Legally Blonde,

Thanks for be the primary source of most of my legal vocabulary.

Love,
Jen

Dear Alex And Your Numerous Unsorted Mail Postings Regarding Your Ex-Boyfriend,

Sounds like you need a restraining order.

Love,
Kendall

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for taking 40 minutes showers starting at midnight. No I hadn’t planned on going to bed any time soon.

Love,
Ben

Dear Person Who Stole My Credit Card,

The fact that your charges where at the porn shop, Taco Cabana, and the liquor store makes me think we were destined to be best friends.

Love,
Chris

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

No thanks. I don't care for emotionally detached "friends."

Love,
Alex

Dear Diploma,

You're lucky my mom cares so much about you, otherwise I wouldn't give a...well you know.

Love,
Meg

Dear Diploma,

You're lucky my mom cares so much about you, otherwise I wouldn't give a...well you know.

Love,
Meg

Dear Unsorted Mail Bloggers Writing About Spring Break,

What's that?

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Friend Who Texted Me An Unsorted Mail Post at 3:25am,

A little early, but I'll take it!

Love,
Katie

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Who Supposedly Still Wants To Be Friends,

Sending me texts to the effect of, "I don't want to be there for you" doesn't help matters.

Love,
Alex

Dear Beach,

Thanks for not getting warm until my last day with you.

Love,
Alex

Dear Spring Break,

How do I make a career out of you?

Love,
Jen

Dear Last 4 Days Before Spring Break,

I would really appreciate it if you didn’t exist. Like a lot. So work on that. Thanks.

Love,
Hannah

Dear Unsorted Mail,

Thank you for giving me a reason to get up during spring break!

Love,
Christine

Dear Liver and Sleep Schedule,

I'm not mad at you guys, so I don't know why I'm treating you this way. I guess I tend to hurt the ones I love the most.

Love,
Michael

Dear Advertising Picture on Facebook labeled "Ass Man,"

Your resemblance to my ex-boyfriend is astounding and hilarious.

Love,
Anonymous

Dear Spring Break,

I know I said I'd be more productive, but watching 5 movies a day is just so much more fun.

Love,
Alex

Dear Roommate Who Believes Uninsured People Who Cause Car Wrecks Should Have To Sell Any Organ They Have Two of to Pay the Other Person's Damages,

I'm pretty sure you just defined the term "bold statement."

Love,
Ann

Dear Male Friends,

Stop treating me like one of the guys and always falling for my more attractive best friend. I'm still a girl with girl wants and needs.

Love,
Anon

Dear Stomach,

I'm sorry about the last 4 days. I understand why you are so mad, and I promise tomorrow will be different.

Love,
Jen

Dear Roommate,

I really am listening... I just listen better with my eyes closed... or multitasking.

Love,
Anon Roommate

Dear Starbucks,

There really should be a five step anonymous addiction class for you.

Love,
Erin

Dear Overly Friendly Drive-Thru Man,

When you said, "That'll be $4.27. I look forward to seeing you at the window." I don't think you realized how creepy that sounded.

Love,
Liza

Dear Marie,

Happy Birthday!!

Love,
Katie

Dear Monday After Spring Break,

Ugh.

Love,
Katie

Dear Tastebuds,

It would be socially helpful to me if your cravings for mustard could be satisfied through the traditional vehicle of a sandwich instead of a bowl and spoon. I'm running out of explanations.

Love,
Lottie

Dear Hostess At Bosco's,

What we're dealing with here is your classic junior high crush. I'll just pass a note to the waiter asking if you wanna go steady. Deal? Deal.

Love,
Michael

Dear Strangers With No Spacial Awareness,

If I wanted to be that close to you, I would have said something.

Love,
Anon

Dear Graduating in T-2 Months,

Oh shit.

Love,
Alison

Dear Guy Sitting Next To Me At A Coffee Shop,

There's this feature on your phone called "vibrate." Try it.

Love,
Alex

Dear Billboard In Miami,

Stop ripping off Unsorted Mail.

Love,
Chin

Dear Ex-Fiance,

Stop trying to insert yourself into my life. You were there long enough as it is.

Love,
Alex

Dea Guy In The Computer Lab,

I'm sorry that your four-page article got mixed up in the printer with my five lengthy articles about castrati. I hope that didn't make you uncomfortable. And I'm doing research for a paper, I swear.

Love,
Phoebe

Dear Ingrid Michaelson,

Thank you for singing about a melted snowman. It made sense to me.

Love,
Rachel