Dear 20 lbs. That I've Been Trying To Lose For 3 Months Now,

I don't deserve you, you should be with someone who will appreciate you. Like, for instance, Nicole Richie.

Love,
Katie P.

Dear Woman Sitting Right Next To Me And My Friends @ the Village Tavern Who Was Sticking Her Toungue In Her Boyfriend's Ear All Night,

I bet your dad is so proud of you.

Love,
Michael

Dear Guy Who Sold Me A FAKE Yellowcard CD At The Warped Tour,

I'm prepared to hunt you down until I find you and get my $5 back.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Interstate 40,

After spending 22 hours together, I think it's about time that we go our separate ways.

Love,
Jen

Dear High School Guy Who Was Dared To Propose To Me,

...awkward-fest 07.

Love,
Katie

Dear Anonymous Employee,

Thank you for making my morning special. I laughed and almost vomited when I say a peach pit sitting on top of the paper towels in the company bathroom trash can.

Laughed because....what is that little guy doing there?
Vomited because....who would actually devour a peach while performing a bathroom only activity. That requires a lot of hand-mouth coordination and at least a paper towel or two.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Decorative Fruit,

Why do you look so good but taste so bad?

Love,
Neely

Dear Guy I'm Seeing,

Do you think you could maybe wash your sheets so I don't wake up with black dog hair on my shirt, in my underwear, and in my mouth?

Love,
Ashley B.

Dear Monday,

While the rest of the world takes vacations at least once a year, your seem to work far more than your share. I am NOT impressed.

Love,
Daniella

Dear God,

Please contact a plumber. The water system in Oklahoma has some major issues and we should be in "DROUGHT" season now, not "RAIN EVERY FREAKIN DAY" season.

Love,
Katie P.

Dear 28 Year Old Sister Living At Home And Hating Her Job,

Don't be mad at me becuase I went away to college, will move out after graduation, and love what I'm doing.

Love,
Lizbeth

Dear Vacation To My Family Reuinon,

Thanks. Now I need another vacation.

Love,
Daniella

Dear My First Crush,

You're about 10 years too late.

Love,
Anne

Dear Green Light That Went Green For Every Direction But Mine For 7 Minutes Until My Friend Finally Got Out And Pushed The Pedestrian Walk Light,

Nice.

Love,
Jen

Dear Toilet Seat Covers,

I'm still not quite sure how to use you.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Series Of Exclamation Points,

I'm sorry for abusing you so much the day that I got engaged. I hope you understand.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Tuberculosis Test,

Why are you the only thing that is positive in my life?

Love,
Ann

Dear Wedding Picture Facebook Girls,

Let's make a rule... when you're that excited about the next stage of your life, it's time to let the present stage collect some dust.

Love,
David

Dear Katie and Our Nations Independance,

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Marie

Dear Nonstick Pan,

YOU LIE!!

Love,
David

Dear Companies Who Won't Hire Me Because I Don't Have Enough Experience,

How am I supposed to "have experience" if you won't hire me to give me experience?

Love,
Crystal

Dear Handsome Single Guy Eating Alone In My Section Who Tipped Me Ridiculously Well Today During Lunch,

Thank you! I'm flattered! But next time you should leave your number too!

Love,
Joanna

Dear Brand New Mustache,

So at first it was a bad joke, but now I kind of like you. Can we work things out?

Love,
Michael

Dear Aunt And Uncle,

So you want me to stay at your house for a week? And you have an outdoor pool? And a hot tub? And you just gota brand new flat screen TV with surround sounds and On Demand? Let me check my schedule...I'm free!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Who Texted Me 8 Times And Called me 3 Times In One Day After 2 Years Of Not Talking,

What the ????

Love,
CJ

Dear People With Jobs,

How is that you have more time to submit letters to unsorted mail than I do?

Love,
Marie

Dear Sorority House I Currently Live In,

Never thought I'd be able to say that at age 24.

Love,
Marie

Dear Ex-girlfriend Who E-mailed Me To Warn Me That She Saw Pictures On Facebook Of My Little Cousin With A "Bad Boy",

I won't ask why you were looking at pictures of junior high kids on Facebook; I'd rather not know. But I do appreciate the concern of a girl who's past relationships include a crack addict and her best friend's boyfriend.

Love,
Michael

Dear Guy Who Is Perfect For Me,

Hey (hey), You (you), I don't like your girlfriend.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Strange Man Who Walked Into Our Studio, Sat In The Gallery, And Held A 15 Minute Conference Call On Your Cell Phone,

Get an office!

Love,
The Gals at Art Space on Main

Dear Bank Statement,

What do you mean I spend my entire two weeks pay on Starbucks?!?!?

Love,
Daniella

Dear Boy Who Told My Dad While "Helping" Me Move That He Had Lifted His Fair Share For The Day,

I wouldn't have even considered dating you before, but now I wouldn't let my friends date you either.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Kids Graduating College Who I Used To Babysit For,

Who feels old now?

Love,
Jennifer

Dear Kids Graduating High School Who Were Freshmen When I Was A Senior,

Thank you so much. I always wanted to feel old and that I wasted three years at the same time.

Love,
Michael

P.S. CONGRATULATION!

Dear Dallas TV Networks,

Under what criteria is the announcement that Superbowl 2011 will be hosted in Dallas worthy of a Special Report and therefore worthy of interrupting 45 minutes of my soap opera???

Love,
Amy

Dear Cab Driver In Vegas,

You're really creepy. Thanks for the card. I'll hang onto it so that when I see a news story about a cab driver kidnapping women, I'll be able to tip off the police.

Love,
Erin

Dear Interviewee,

Next time someone asks you how you deal with angry customers, don't reply, "I have a metal bat at home." Some don't find that funny. Some being me.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Mother,

The fact that you gave me a monogrammed beach bag for my 21st birthday, reading A.L.E. makes me wonder if you gave me the initials you did just for this purpose...If so, well played.

Love,
Alison Elizabeth L.

Dear Geek Squad Guy At Best Buy,

If you were trying to flirt with me, then mentioning that you have a computer just for your gaming and anime was not a good call.

Love,
Stacie

Dear Menstrual Cycle,

Well played...well played.

Love,
Debby

Dear House That Needs To Be Packed Up By June 2nd,

I know I was procrastinating for taking classes, celebrating finishing classes, looking for a new place to live, getting my nails done etc. and generally staring at the ceiling in avoidance but …can I get a rain check? American Idol is on tonight.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Bachelor,

There are no words to explain why you didn't pick the blonde in last night's episode.

Oh, except these: Tramp Stamp.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear What Not To Wear,

I could look good too if I had two personal shoppers, $5000 and a tailor. Please call me. I won't be offended.

Love,
Leslie

Dear Future Husband,

If it's not too inconvenient for you, could we please meet this summer?

Love,
Jackie

Dear Producers Of Greys Anatomy,

What are you doing to my heart? I don't know if I can make it all summer, but I love you too much to let go.

Love,
Sarah

Dear Parent Who Put Their Non-English Speaking Child In School 3 Weeks Before School Gets Out In A Grade That The Child Has Already Passed,

My babysitting rate it $1,000,000 an hour.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Buffet,

Vegetable lasagna is not lasagna. Call Stouffer's, I am sure they would agree.

Love,
Jeremy

Dear Favorite Chocolate Brown Slacks,

Why must your zipper get stuck each and every time I have to pee?

Love,
Dixie

Dear Husband Who Has The Week Off And Is In Charge Of Cooking,

Frozen pizzas and fudgesicles don't count.

Love,
Sarah T.

Dear Manhood,

Last week I found out "Gilmore Gilrs" had been cancelled and it made me sad. When exactly did you leave me and why didn't you tell me?

Love,
Michael

Dear Walgreens Onling Store-Finding System,

I asked you for the closest location, and you gave me the 62 closest locations. Can you tell me where I cannot find a location?

Love,
Greg

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Who Said I Was Too Young For You,

Your new girlfriend who is a year younger than me doesn't do much to support your reason for dumping me.

Love,
Morgan

Dear Victoria's Secret Catalogues,

I'm not even a woman, and I feel fat when I thumb though you.

Love,
Greg

Dear Blockbuster,

Normally I'm annoyed by your 2-Day rental deadline, but for "Alpha Dog" you should have made it a 2-Hour deadline so I wouldn't have had the chance to watch it.

Love,
Greg

Dear Mom Who Suggested Buying Me Contacts For My Birthday Because I Can't Afford Them And Need New Ones Since The Old Ones Have Scratched My Eyeball,

Why don't you love me?

Love,
Rachel

Dear NBC's The Office,

Why, oh why, couldn't have I gotten hooked on you AFTER finals?

Love,
Joanna

Dear Old Asian Guy Who Said My Ponytail Was Cute,

Thanks....and we're walking faster...

Love,
Katie

Dear All Male Occupants of the Frat House Down The Street From My Apartment,

When I left for work the morning of Cinco de Mayo, you all looked very dapper in your bow ties and loafers while standing around in your front yard drinking. When I returned that afternoon, you looked equally impressive shirtless and still going strong on those kegs. I am sure any female presence would have ruined the entire experience.

Love,
Michael

Dear Laziness,

I think you've won. The jawbreaker for breakfast just put me over the edge.

Love,
Liza

Dear My Grad School Colleagues And Faculty,

High school called. They want their drama back.

Love,
Jenniac

Dear Four Year Old Cousin,

When you posed for pictures on Easter Sunday giving Grandpa a hug, you broke my cute-o-meter. I expect you to pay for a new one.

Love,
Michael

Dear Global Warming,

85 degrees in April...I'm still not completely sold.

Love,
Michael

Dear Over Attentive Mother We Housesat For,

Thank you for pointing out where the refigerator, microwave, dishwasher, sink, pantry, and every light switch was in your kitchen. I don't know how I would have made it through the weekend!

Love,
Liza

Dear Shirtless MySpace Men,

We know it's your brother.

Love,
Jeremiah

Dear Woman At The DMV Who Reminded Me Very Loudly That Lying About Any Information On The Renewal Form INCLUDING YOUR WEIGHT Is A Felony,

Thanks for the self esteem boost.

Love,
Betsy

Dear Mom,

...and how is you getting a boob job supposed to make me feel?

Love,
Michelle

Dear 250 Page Book That I Have To Read By Tomorrow,

If you were as entertaining to read as Unsorted Mail, I would have been finished with you already.

Love,
Beth

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

Why do I get dumber when I watch your movies?

Love,
Ann

Dear Sanjaya,

Who knew we'd actually miss you?

Love,
Morgan

Dear California,

Thank you for always providing toilet seat covers.

Could you please tell the other states to follow your example?

Love,
Jen

Dear Mother-In-Law,

Of course I don't mind if you stay another week.

Love,
Ryan

Dear Pubescent, Lanky And Pimply High Schooler @ EdgeFest in Frisco, TX 4/15,

Carrying around and flashing a small white dry erase board with "Show me your BOOBS!" written on it just proves how much game you don't have. Sadly, you never will if you've started resorting to these tactics, but I commend you on trying. Add alcohol in your later years and move to New Orleans and maybe, JUST maybe, you'll get your wish.

Love,
Christian

Dear Wife That I Heard Breaking Wind From The Other Room This Morning,

For some reason, the sound of a french horn seems funny to me now.

Love,
Stephen

Dear Lying To A Judge While Under Oath To Get Out Of Jury Duty,

Well, I'm going to hell and/or jail, but at least I won't miss my trip to LA!

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Kinda-Cute But Really Borderline Creepy Irish Man Who I Have Now Met Randomly Three Different Times In Three Different Irish Cities,

No, actually if I see you in Venice this weekend I will not call it "fate", I'll call it "scary stalking." But hey, thanks for the pint.

Love,
Johannah

Dear Steven,

Just becuase you are now a lawyer doesn't mean that you can convince me that if I like chocolate, and I like bread, then I should like brownies.

Love,
Sarah T.

Dear Large MAN Wearing Goucho Pants, Hooker Boots, A Jean Mini Skirt, And Girlie Polo Shirt At The Bus Stop,

Was it really necessary to top off the whole garb with feathery angel wings?

Love,
Joanna

Dear Ever So Delicate Plastic Grocery Sack That Broke,

Thanks for breaking and therefore making my job easier when you sent 350 pieces of paper stating, "Keep Mississippi Clean - Don't Litter" flying all over a huge parking lot. This not only gives a new meaning to the term "flyers", but it also makes me a hypocrite.

Love,
Kat

Dear Bouncer,

I am no longer thankful that you accepted my fake ID. Did you really think I was 23? Honestly.
At least get me some Advil.

Love,
Ashley

Dear Drunk Guy In The Maroon Hat And Blue Plaid Shirt,

Next time yuo try to hit on girls at a concert, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Only introduce yourself once.
2. Try to keep from tipping over (like a cow)
3. Sticking a beer bottle in a girl's face will not increase your chances of anything except continuing to be ignored.
4. If a girl is ignoring your advances, it's not going to help you at all to ask her why she hates you.
5. If at first you don't succeed, try again on a sober day.

Love,
Jen

Dear Jeans,

Really? Was it necessary to rip open when I bent over?

Love,
Jen

Dear McDonalds,

Somewhere between college and Supersize Me, I've grown embarassed that I like you so much.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dreamy Guy In A Porsche Convertible With A Steelers Hat On Backwards On I-5 In Seattle,

I love you. I want to have 10,000 of your babies.

Love,
Kathleen

Dear College Professor,

Thank you so much for assigning the 30 page, single-spaced, size 10 font paper right before my Spring Break. It makes my vacation all the more enjoyable.

Love,
Jon

Dear Readers,

In Canada until Thursday (sans computer). Please keep the submissions coming!

Love,
Katie & Unsorted Mail

Dear Family Reunion Attendees,

The single status is not a crisis, so you can call off the intervention.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Parent Who Wants Me To Keep Track Of Your Child's Intake And Outtake Of Fluids,

When they start paying me for being a nurse, social worker, counselor, scholar of all subjects and give me all the supplies I need for all of these things I do, I'll consider taking on another job as a human waste specialist.

Love,
Lisa

Dear Mom,

I appreciate you washing my bath mats becuase you assume I never have.

Love,
Sarah T.

Dear Cubicle Mate,

When you break out into a made up song that goes, "I am losing it," I think it becomes bery clear that you've already lost it.

Love,
Lola

Dear 15 Minutes Of Fame,

Why did you have to come in the form of a public access television interview about me being single?

Love,
Jackie

Dear Man Who Sat Next To Me On The Plane,

When you dropped your Xanax, asked me to get your imaginary book called "3 Ways To Avoid The FBI" and then spilled Coke all over me becuase you thought there were snakes on the plan, I thought three things:

1. Don't worry, I don't need an apology. I like walking aroudn during my layover with a wet butt.

2. Samuel L. Jackson will be hearing from me.

3. Please take your Xanax BEFORE you get on the plane. Passengers everywhere will be thankful.

Love,
Crockett

Dear New Yellow Shirt,

You were so much cuter before my In-N-Out burger.

Love,
Lola

Dear Female Co-Workers,

Just becuase you won the NCAA bracket by picking the cutest sounding teams does not make you a viable authority now on men's basketball.

Love,
Jon

Dear Boss Who Said That Good Friday Is A "Good Friday To Work,"

Not funny.

Love,
Anna

Dear Self,

When you first thought after hearing you're getting an $80/week raise is: "Great, that'll be my beer money AND my church money," you know your priorities are out of whack.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear Youth Group Kids Flirting With Each Other At Lunch Today,

Oh puppy love...your lack of sublety is incredibly endearing.

Love,
Michael

Dear Cube Mate,

Yes, I did feel slightly pathetic when I realized that I had been talking to you for 30 seconds but you weren't there.

Love,
Beth

Dear Dad,

When you said you hadn't "heard a bunch of Japanese girls giggle in awhile," I understand that you were referring to our previous exchange students that lived with us, but it sure did sound creepy.

Love,
Caitlin

Dear JC,

When you figure out how to stop falling for musicians, copy me on that.

Love,
Lindsay

Dear Boss,

I know that you think you can pull off the leopard print pants and matching belt, but Farah Fawcett called and wants them back.

Love,
Jon